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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Break down of relationship - am I doing the right thing?

215 replies

xxp · 10/01/2023 21:44

So I have been with my partner for 12 years but I am now contemplating ending the relationship. I do genuinely love this man but being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

Context: We have a joint mortgage together in our beautiful home, 2 cats and a shared car so I am quite hesitant to end this but I want some opinions on what I am going through and if I have enough reason to call it quits. Over the last few months I’ve found his behaviour to be quite controlling. To keep this relatively short I will bullet point
⁃ he turned the heating and hot water off to get back at me one day, said that he was paying for it and he didn’t want to pay that day… he knew I needed a shower before going out
⁃ Mum and siblings visited for 2 weeks at Christmas and I haven’t seen them for 4 years, he made the whole time hell. Telling me I was neglecting him however he did not want to take part in any of our plans (his choice). He also made it very difficult with the shared car, he demanded it when he knew I had plans. I gave him the car when asked, no problem with me and it then sat outside the pub for a whole day… so he didn’t actually need it, just wanted to be difficult.
⁃ Our car was keyed on 23rd dec when I was visiting elderly grandparents, admittedly the area isn’t the best but this could have happened anywhere. Told me I wasn’t to park it there anymore and I did today to quickly drop off some messages and he seen… he’s now come home and cancelled the car insurance, and asked for the payment to be removed from our joint account although this was meant to be a joint financial commitment. I cannot afford this on my own which he knows.
⁃ When we fall out, he knows it hurts me and he takes out on our cats: they are mainly indoor cats but venture outside for about 10 minutes a day. One day we fell out and he put them outside in snow for hours and I didn’t know until I returned home later
⁃ I was I’ll with the flu recently and he refused to let me sleep one night… blared the tv so loud we had s noise complain from the neighbour, put crisps in my hair until I eventually had to sleep in another room

This is just a small selection of things he’s done to me in the last few weeks but I feel like I am going crazy and I’ve had enough of his behaviour. I think I need to leave. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated, I think I just need reassurance I am doing the right thing. I guess I am just scared about how I will cope financially after separation on my income alone

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 10/01/2023 22:14

'You are now contemplating leaving this relationship'

Op, you have been so thoroughly abused, probably for so long, that you have completely and utterly lost sight of what is normal,

Every single word you wrote painted the picture of an abusive, vile, controlling man.

I don't know what you can love about him, but maybe he wasn't like this at the beginning, and it's the memories. You cannot love how he behaves now.

Leave as soon as you possibly can.

Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 22:20

Oh my goodness, I went out for some air and to clear my head and did not expect this much response.
I thank you all so much for your time to read my story and give me honest advice. I do think deep down I know how bad this is but It's just become the norm for me and it really is our history that's kept me going... we have been together since we were kids and it's hard to let go.
There is also lying and drug use but that's a whole other story. I know I need to get out, I'm just struggling to find the strength to go through with it. I have suffered two miscarriages in the last year and I am ashamed to say this but I think I am relieved. I can walk away here now without having to look back

OP posts:
Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 22:21

Elena567 · 10/01/2023 22:11

How old is he OP?

He sounds like a bitter, spiteful and horrible person.

He is 26

OP posts:
Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 22:22

pawprintseverywhere · 10/01/2023 22:05

Please
Go
Asap and take the cats. To take his anger out on a defenceless creature.. it'll not be long before he's gets physical with you. Is he spying on you RE the car? Knowing it was outside your grandmothers ect? Absolute nutjob. Run and don't look back...

Yes I do think he might be spying on me. I feel like he has been trying to 'catch me out' parking there. He has questioned me a few times about where I have been parking and almost lead me to believe he knew the truthful answer and not to lie about it. I have been on eggshells

OP posts:
Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 22:24

Bigshop · 10/01/2023 21:51

you need to leave him.
And get the cats microchipped in your name if you haven’t already.
He sounds unhinged.

Sorry I don't know if you have any experience of cats/ownership of cats but does having them micro chipped in my name prove they are my pets? They are already registered to me and I feed/pay for any vet care required but this is another thing he has had hanging over me, he seems to think he could keep them

OP posts:
pawprintseverywhere · 10/01/2023 22:25

xxp · 10/01/2023 22:22

Yes I do think he might be spying on me. I feel like he has been trying to 'catch me out' parking there. He has questioned me a few times about where I have been parking and almost lead me to believe he knew the truthful answer and not to lie about it. I have been on eggshells

Show quote history

Please go. I am not been dramatic when i say - Save yourself x

Bard6817 · 10/01/2023 22:26

Sorry OP, as a guy, i think he’s a nutter.

Im not even a pet person, and find what he did to your cats disgusting. Sounds like he lacks compassion or empathy for those weaker than him.

Putting crisps in your hair. Wtf.

Seriously…. Unless you are a nutjob and he is your ideal match, run. run like the fricking wind.

Mostlygrumpy · 10/01/2023 22:26

This has actually broke my heart. Please listen to your instincts and plan to leave him. It's awful behaviour and you don't have to live in this. He definitely is abusing you. You deserve a happy life.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 10/01/2023 22:27

OP, this is going to be your as fork in the road moment. Get away from him and make sure you take the cats. He sounds awful. If you’re the vet contact they’re yours.
do you have support in RL? I suspect he will make lots of noise when he realises you’ve exercised your own will.

UnfinishedUserna · 10/01/2023 22:28

He is unhinged, get out of there!

Everybodywants · 10/01/2023 22:29

You're in a domestic abuse situation and you need to get out asap

somuchtolearnabout · 10/01/2023 22:30

Put crisps in your hair?

somuchtolearnabout · 10/01/2023 22:31

What a fucking fruitcake

Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 22:31

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 10/01/2023 22:27

OP, this is going to be your as fork in the road moment. Get away from him and make sure you take the cats. He sounds awful. If you’re the vet contact they’re yours.
do you have support in RL? I suspect he will make lots of noise when he realises you’ve exercised your own will.

I have good grandparents, they have taken me in a couple of times when I have needed to escape his behaviour but I really don't want to be a burden on them as they are old and I don't want them to worry. They don't really know much about what's going on but I know they will support me 100% of the way. I think they will be my only option if I want to get out of here fast, I think I will need to tell them the truth about what's going on. They will be so disappointed in me for putting up with this

OP posts:
Mischance · 10/01/2023 22:31

I am not sure why you are asking. Pick yourself up and leave. Why should you even contemplate tolerating this?

Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 22:34

Everybodywants · 10/01/2023 22:29

You're in a domestic abuse situation and you need to get out asap

Thank you for your response. Sorry if I sound stupid and in denial but do you think it is all of his behaviour that sounds like domestic abuse? Or just some of it?
I guess it just sounds so serious and I'm scared of that label. This thread is a whole realisation moment for me. I am in tears, I can't believe that is what I am actually experiencing

OP posts:
HappyCrappyNewYear · 10/01/2023 22:34

He’s abusive, take your cats and leave. Thank heavens you don’t have any kids with this man.

MMMarmite · 10/01/2023 22:35

being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

This is the biggest understatement I have seen this year.

He is severely emotionally abusive. I hope you can make a plan to get out of there.

Coffeesnob11 · 10/01/2023 22:35

xxp · 10/01/2023 22:31

I have good grandparents, they have taken me in a couple of times when I have needed to escape his behaviour but I really don't want to be a burden on them as they are old and I don't want them to worry. They don't really know much about what's going on but I know they will support me 100% of the way. I think they will be my only option if I want to get out of here fast, I think I will need to tell them the truth about what's going on. They will be so disappointed in me for putting up with this

Show quote history

They won't be disappointed they will be pleased you are safe. Don't let pride or embarrassment keep you from leaving. I am so sorry he is not the person you deserve.

Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 22:35

Mischance · 10/01/2023 22:31

I am not sure why you are asking. Pick yourself up and leave. Why should you even contemplate tolerating this?

I can honestly say I don't know either. I just think I have been burying my head in the sand hoping it might get better. He wasn't always like this, I don't know what happened

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 10/01/2023 22:37

xxp · 10/01/2023 22:34

Thank you for your response. Sorry if I sound stupid and in denial but do you think it is all of his behaviour that sounds like domestic abuse? Or just some of it?
I guess it just sounds so serious and I'm scared of that label. This thread is a whole realisation moment for me. I am in tears, I can't believe that is what I am actually experiencing

Show quote history

I'd say every one of your bullet points was abusive behaviour.

Believ · 10/01/2023 22:37

I'd rather never have another penny to my name than tolerate a twat like that! Run girl

Username721 · 10/01/2023 22:40

OP, he is abusing you (and those poor cats). There is no doubt about it. Your first post was horrible to read and my heart goes out to you.

Please, please get out of there. Fuck the mortgage…that’s all manageable after you get away from this psychopath. Take the car, your cats and go. Don’t wait.

Do you have a close friend or someone you can speak to in real life?

Chickmad · 10/01/2023 22:42

Please check your phone for spy ware. You need to make sure you take anything important with you...papers etc and most importantly the cats.

I don't think he will take your leaving well, so it needs to be planned without him knowing.

Please reach out for help from women's aid and friends and family.

It will be tough but you need to be safe and away from this abusive psychopath.

Geriatricme23 · 10/01/2023 22:42

From what you've described his behaviour is categorically abusive, controlling, cruel and your absolutely right to leave. Please reach out to family and if needed organisations such as Refuge to help you leave.

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