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Original poster

Break down of relationship - am I doing the right thing?

215 replies

xxp · 10/01/2023 21:44

So I have been with my partner for 12 years but I am now contemplating ending the relationship. I do genuinely love this man but being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

Context: We have a joint mortgage together in our beautiful home, 2 cats and a shared car so I am quite hesitant to end this but I want some opinions on what I am going through and if I have enough reason to call it quits. Over the last few months I’ve found his behaviour to be quite controlling. To keep this relatively short I will bullet point
⁃ he turned the heating and hot water off to get back at me one day, said that he was paying for it and he didn’t want to pay that day… he knew I needed a shower before going out
⁃ Mum and siblings visited for 2 weeks at Christmas and I haven’t seen them for 4 years, he made the whole time hell. Telling me I was neglecting him however he did not want to take part in any of our plans (his choice). He also made it very difficult with the shared car, he demanded it when he knew I had plans. I gave him the car when asked, no problem with me and it then sat outside the pub for a whole day… so he didn’t actually need it, just wanted to be difficult.
⁃ Our car was keyed on 23rd dec when I was visiting elderly grandparents, admittedly the area isn’t the best but this could have happened anywhere. Told me I wasn’t to park it there anymore and I did today to quickly drop off some messages and he seen… he’s now come home and cancelled the car insurance, and asked for the payment to be removed from our joint account although this was meant to be a joint financial commitment. I cannot afford this on my own which he knows.
⁃ When we fall out, he knows it hurts me and he takes out on our cats: they are mainly indoor cats but venture outside for about 10 minutes a day. One day we fell out and he put them outside in snow for hours and I didn’t know until I returned home later
⁃ I was I’ll with the flu recently and he refused to let me sleep one night… blared the tv so loud we had s noise complain from the neighbour, put crisps in my hair until I eventually had to sleep in another room

This is just a small selection of things he’s done to me in the last few weeks but I feel like I am going crazy and I’ve had enough of his behaviour. I think I need to leave. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated, I think I just need reassurance I am doing the right thing. I guess I am just scared about how I will cope financially after separation on my income alone

OP posts:
AtSomePointInLife · 10/01/2023 23:27

Run as fast as you can. He's a twat!

KateofGhent · 10/01/2023 23:29

@xxp
OP, you probably won't read this until tomorrow, but don't think of staying with this pathetic excuse for a man. He has denied you having a bath/shower, deprived you of sleep, been cruel to your defenceless cats and tried to humiliate you in front of your visiting family. If it is joint finances on the car, he is being controlling there also. Please put a screen lock on your phone and delete your computer history, then get your documents together. Best wishes Flowers

LifeIsJustOneBigWTAF · 10/01/2023 23:31

It breaks my heart that you think your grandparents will be disappointed in you. Far from it. They love you and will only want you to be safe.
Please get yourself away from that absolute crackpot of a 'man' as soon as possible x

Jadviga · 10/01/2023 23:37

Dear God OP, you need to leave yesterday. You'll find being single a wonderful experience after all this ridiculous crap he's put you through.

OhPeggySue · 10/01/2023 23:37

Don't waste any more of your life on this man. You are a young woman. Get out now whilst you can and don't let him have any further input in to or impact on your life. Spend some time healing from him and his abuse and you will soon be able to move on and consign him to history.

GardenMagicYorkshire · 10/01/2023 23:41

Cats Protection offer a Paw Protect service that fosters cats when their owner is fleeing domestic abuse. All free and they really look after your pet while you get yourself sorted and they are returned to you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/01/2023 23:51

So you have had two miscarriages recently and his behaviour is recent?

Abuse often starts, or ramps up, during pregnancy and this sounds like a classic example.

Your grandparents will not be disappointed that you put up with it, they will be unutterably relieved that you have opened up and are safe. Bundle up the cats, take all your important stuff (he sounds vindictive enough to destroy things) and get out.

Thinking of you xx

Teenagehorrorbag · 10/01/2023 23:52

Poor you! I spent 4 years with a scumbag like that, and yes - you may feel like an idiot for having stayed but thousands of us have been there. They gradually reel you in and can be so manipulative!

Don't ever blame yourself - this is all on him. Get yourself and your cats to your grandparents, and never look back. Good luck Flowers.

LightSpeeds · 10/01/2023 23:57

Put HIM outside in the snow and don't ever let him back in.

Horrible bastard.

Panjandrum123 · 10/01/2023 23:59

If you have an iPhone, please delete him as a permitted person in FindMyiPhone - if he has an iPhone too, he can see exactly where you are. And also check for any AirTags or anything like that.

Please, gather your important papers, get a plan together and leave, soon. If the car is in your name and you're the one paying for it, then re-insure it for you only (should be cheaper), then drive away and don't look back. You and your cats need to leave and be safe away from his bullying and controlling behaviour.

The helplines and/or your lender will be able to advise on the mortgage front. I'm sure you're thinking about your lovely house, arrears and so forth. (He may be an arse and try to stop paying his share.) Don't let this stop you from getting out of there. You can sort this out but him escalating and you being assaulted is no way to live. You deserve to live a decent life and what you have now isn't that.

💐

Aeroflot21 · 11/01/2023 00:14

Please leave as soon as you can!! He’s abusive. I am so sorry OP. And please try to rehome your cats away from this man, if you can’t take them with you - please make sure you and the cats are safe ❤️

BabyOnBoard90 · 11/01/2023 00:19

For once I agree it's actually best to LTB

Snellytheelephant · 11/01/2023 00:20

Do not stand for this - leave him! He sounds like he can turn really cruel when he wants his own way or doesn’t agree with you on something.

CrikeyPeg · 11/01/2023 02:56

@xxp please make sure you don't tell him you are leaving; women leaving abusive situations are at their most vulnerable when they are preparing to leave, and you need to keep yourself and your cats safe. If he works out of the home, take a day off work so you can pack your things and the cats, and go.

magdamaple · 11/01/2023 06:05

CrikeyPeg · 11/01/2023 02:56

@xxp please make sure you don't tell him you are leaving; women leaving abusive situations are at their most vulnerable when they are preparing to leave, and you need to keep yourself and your cats safe. If he works out of the home, take a day off work so you can pack your things and the cats, and go.

This. Do not tell him you're leaving.

Shoxfordian · 11/01/2023 06:12

Hope you got some sleep and you can make a plan today to leave him - get some real life support from your friends and family

Original poster
xxp · 11/01/2023 06:19

Morning everyone... as im new to Mumsnet I don't know if anyone will see this message but I just wanted to update.
After the cancellation of the insurance last night, I decided not to make his packed lunch for work today.. mainly because I am ill with a chest infection and haven't slept all night for thinking but I told him it's because I didn't have access to a car to get the ingredients. He has now turned off heating, hot water and wifi (I work at home). I also received this message:
'This arrangement isn't working, ive met my commitments every month, you cant even make a sandwich. Please stop paying into joint savings account and instead start paying half of all household bills including out mortgage, starting this month.'
Our financial set up from the beginning would reflect I do not have the same finances as him, so we would cover the cost of all the bills etc through his wage and I would match 80% of that amount by putting into joint savings and also cover the food shopping. To be honest it's almost half and half when you take into account price increases etc. so not only I couldn't afford to do half and half before but also now have a full car payment and car bills to pay for myself and I have no idea how I can do this

OP posts:
gamerchick · 11/01/2023 06:28

Look, ring work tell them you have a family crisis. Ring around everyone who loves you and tell them you need to leave asap as your bloke is ramping up his abuse. Gather everything important/documents etc, pack a suitcase and leave today.

Tbh I'd probably leave before he realises the consequences of cancelling car insurance. Insurers don't like that.

Put all the afters and the whatifs/how am I going to do that to the back of your mind for now and concentrate on getting yourself and your animals out of there. Today.

Shoxfordian · 11/01/2023 06:30

Yes, pack your stuff and get out now- worry about financials arrangements later

Alleycat1 · 11/01/2023 06:33

Well, OP, you aren't going to have to do this because you are leaving, right? Switch everything back on, take your cats somewhere safe, call a lawyer and leave...now! On your way stop at the bank and take out of the joint savings whatever you are entitled to. His behaviour has just escalated and you are not safe!
Do you have a friend who could maybe hire a van and put your belongings into storage temporarily?
Good luck.

Jimboscott0115 · 11/01/2023 06:41

xxp · 11/01/2023 06:19

Morning everyone... as im new to Mumsnet I don't know if anyone will see this message but I just wanted to update.
After the cancellation of the insurance last night, I decided not to make his packed lunch for work today.. mainly because I am ill with a chest infection and haven't slept all night for thinking but I told him it's because I didn't have access to a car to get the ingredients. He has now turned off heating, hot water and wifi (I work at home). I also received this message:
'This arrangement isn't working, ive met my commitments every month, you cant even make a sandwich. Please stop paying into joint savings account and instead start paying half of all household bills including out mortgage, starting this month.'
Our financial set up from the beginning would reflect I do not have the same finances as him, so we would cover the cost of all the bills etc through his wage and I would match 80% of that amount by putting into joint savings and also cover the food shopping. To be honest it's almost half and half when you take into account price increases etc. so not only I couldn't afford to do half and half before but also now have a full car payment and car bills to pay for myself and I have no idea how I can do this

It's escalating OP, which both validates your original thoughts re leaving but also those opinions on the thread that this may get significantly worse if you don't look to leave. He's currently trying to punish you financially, but most of these things will severely impact him as well as unpaid bills will affect his credit etc too.

He's extremely controlling, as a man sometimes we try and put ourselves in other men's shoes on these kinds of threads but there is not a single justifiable thing I could say for this sort of behaviour and he's limiting your contribution to his life to 'a sandwich'. This is the second thing out of a controlling persons playbook after finances, the chipping away at your self worth.

Everything he is doing is to purposefully make you think you have to rely on him for everything so he has power over you. He's trying to flex his power with the water, money and even two bloody defenceless animals but eventually if this doesn't work, there's a good chance it escalates into something physical. I can only advise you to get out and make a list of everything he has done in this manner with as much information on dates and times of these and other events as possible, you may need this at a later date.

scarletandblack13 · 11/01/2023 06:45

He is manipulating and intimidating you, and punishing you now for daring to defy his control even over a sandwich. Leave, today if you can, speak to Womens Aid about safety and support. Take everything that's important to you and continue to pay what is agreed already towards the mortgage. Unless he wants to lose the house and not get another for 6 years or so, he is not going to default on payments, but is trying to spite you. And on the offchance he is prepared to go as far as defaulting to spite you, whatever happens your are safer and better off, you are very young and none of the financial issues, even if he pushes it to the hilt, are unsolvable. I would block him on every platform and give (only when necessary) a new email address only used for him for him to communicate about the house and getting your share.

ImBlueDab · 11/01/2023 06:57

Take a breath op, it'll be fine. Did you mention upthread you could go to your parents house. If this is the case talk to them today and make arrangements to move asap. When is he expecting this money? If it's in the next few weeks just agree with him and move out before you need to pay.

Re finances, everything can be sorted out at a later date, worst case scenario is you default and it impacts your credit rating, this is ok and salvageable

Kittykat9070 · 11/01/2023 07:03

This whole thread is very hard to read, you poor thing.
Strangely, the bit that got me the most is him putting crisps in your hair.. how degrading.

Everything is going to be ok, please try and stop looking at the bigger picture as it’s making you feel like you can’t do this.
Break it down into small pieces and go from there.
. Step one- speak to family and friend TODAY.
Step two can wait, just do this at your pace and it won’t seem as scary, and then you have people behind you to help you get step two into place.

He's a spineless little fraction of a man.

Everybodywants · 11/01/2023 07:10

OP sending you all of the strength you need for today, from someone who has been where you are, your life will get better once away.

There are scary similarities between your situation and my past, he eventually killed my cat in the end (although I have no proof he said she ran away and got lost) but this is no way to live for you.