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AIBU?

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Original poster

Break down of relationship - am I doing the right thing?

215 replies

xxp · 10/01/2023 21:44

So I have been with my partner for 12 years but I am now contemplating ending the relationship. I do genuinely love this man but being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

Context: We have a joint mortgage together in our beautiful home, 2 cats and a shared car so I am quite hesitant to end this but I want some opinions on what I am going through and if I have enough reason to call it quits. Over the last few months I’ve found his behaviour to be quite controlling. To keep this relatively short I will bullet point
⁃ he turned the heating and hot water off to get back at me one day, said that he was paying for it and he didn’t want to pay that day… he knew I needed a shower before going out
⁃ Mum and siblings visited for 2 weeks at Christmas and I haven’t seen them for 4 years, he made the whole time hell. Telling me I was neglecting him however he did not want to take part in any of our plans (his choice). He also made it very difficult with the shared car, he demanded it when he knew I had plans. I gave him the car when asked, no problem with me and it then sat outside the pub for a whole day… so he didn’t actually need it, just wanted to be difficult.
⁃ Our car was keyed on 23rd dec when I was visiting elderly grandparents, admittedly the area isn’t the best but this could have happened anywhere. Told me I wasn’t to park it there anymore and I did today to quickly drop off some messages and he seen… he’s now come home and cancelled the car insurance, and asked for the payment to be removed from our joint account although this was meant to be a joint financial commitment. I cannot afford this on my own which he knows.
⁃ When we fall out, he knows it hurts me and he takes out on our cats: they are mainly indoor cats but venture outside for about 10 minutes a day. One day we fell out and he put them outside in snow for hours and I didn’t know until I returned home later
⁃ I was I’ll with the flu recently and he refused to let me sleep one night… blared the tv so loud we had s noise complain from the neighbour, put crisps in my hair until I eventually had to sleep in another room

This is just a small selection of things he’s done to me in the last few weeks but I feel like I am going crazy and I’ve had enough of his behaviour. I think I need to leave. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated, I think I just need reassurance I am doing the right thing. I guess I am just scared about how I will cope financially after separation on my income alone

OP posts:
Username721 · 10/01/2023 22:44

Also, remember Women’s Aid have a Live Chat (3pm-10pm) where you can speak to someone without picking up the phone or saying anything aloud. They also have a “quick exit” on their website in case that scumbag is creeping around.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Thewildling · 10/01/2023 22:45

Im so sorry op, it does sound like you are experiencing abuse. It’s important to remember that people who are abused are often in happy relationships for a good while before the abuse starts. That maybe why you don’t realise you’re dealing with coercive behaviour. The huge alarm bell for me is how he treated your cats. These are his pets too and yet he’s happy to cause them distress to spite you. Not to frighten you, it’s just how serious abuse can start. I think it may be best for you to get your affairs in order and prepare an exit strategy. All the best x

AllCatsAreBeautiful · 10/01/2023 22:47

This is scary to read OP. My heart goes out to you and your cats. Please call Women’s Aid or a local domestic abuse charity asap just for a chat - they will be able to give you more detailed advice on your rights in terms of shared finances, access to any benefits or other support you might be entitled to, some advice around the law and some safety advice. Please stay safe. And of course please take your cats with you when you leave. I will be thinking of you.

Emmamoo89 · 10/01/2023 22:47

Leave!

WhatDoYouWantNow · 10/01/2023 22:49

He's a horrible bastard.

Just the thing about the cats and him putting crisps in your hair is enough. Fuck him off.

LexMitior · 10/01/2023 22:51

Oh he definitely wants to split with you OP. You aren't crazy.

Just make sure he doesn't fiddle you out of what is rightfully yours.

Also, regrettably, probably another woman I'd say if he has just all of sudden become this nasty.

gingerhamster · 10/01/2023 22:51

I only got to bullet point #1 before realising he's a prize prick. Bin him and don't look back.

Mostlygrumpy · 10/01/2023 22:55

Username721 · 10/01/2023 22:44

Also, remember Women’s Aid have a Live Chat (3pm-10pm) where you can speak to someone without picking up the phone or saying anything aloud. They also have a “quick exit” on their website in case that scumbag is creeping around.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Brilliant help thank you. For not just the OP

LexMitior · 10/01/2023 23:00

Btw don't question yourself.

What you have described is a man seeing how far he can push it.

That will amuse him and destroy you. He does not need to be violent physically. He is mentally violent to you, and is enjoying it I assume.

He will enjoy your upset, confusion, emotion and attempts to fix things.

Cut him out of your life for good and stop his nasty game forever.

elm26 · 10/01/2023 23:00

I read the first reason, the hot water and thought what an abusive bastard but the mistreatment of your cats as "punishment" to you was what made me think he's dangerous.

Please leave OP, you deserve so much more and so do your cats x

LexMitior · 10/01/2023 23:02

Yes it's easy to hit children and be cruel to animals - keeps the woman in line mentally. She hasn't been hit herself, but she will be scared all the same and won't report it to the police.

Honeyroar · 10/01/2023 23:07

Your family won’t be disappointed that you stayed with him so long, they’ll just be relieved you’re away from him when you tell them what’s going on. But get those cats away from him before you tell him you’re leaving him. Because he WILL try to keep them and he WILL hurt them - all to spite/hurt you, it’s the only control he’ll still have.

Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 23:08

Username721 · 10/01/2023 22:40

OP, he is abusing you (and those poor cats). There is no doubt about it. Your first post was horrible to read and my heart goes out to you.

Please, please get out of there. Fuck the mortgage…that’s all manageable after you get away from this psychopath. Take the car, your cats and go. Don’t wait.

Do you have a close friend or someone you can speak to in real life?

Your right. I do have friends, I've just been ashamed to let people know what's happening but I do suspect they have an idea of what's going on. I haven't seen friends for a while and they witnessed some of his behaviour at a recent wedding so I don't think they will be hugely surprised when I open up

OP posts:
Countreauqueen · 10/01/2023 23:09

Absolutely this,

Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 23:10

Chickmad · 10/01/2023 22:42

Please check your phone for spy ware. You need to make sure you take anything important with you...papers etc and most importantly the cats.

I don't think he will take your leaving well, so it needs to be planned without him knowing.

Please reach out for help from women's aid and friends and family.

It will be tough but you need to be safe and away from this abusive psychopath.

Oh goodness I hadn't even thought about spy ware. I did catch him with my phone one day but I have nothing to hide. All passwords etc changed but I will need to make sure there is nothing downloaded

OP posts:
Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 23:10

Geriatricme23 · 10/01/2023 22:42

From what you've described his behaviour is categorically abusive, controlling, cruel and your absolutely right to leave. Please reach out to family and if needed organisations such as Refuge to help you leave.

Thank you I will take a look and see what support is available

OP posts:
Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 23:11

Username721 · 10/01/2023 22:44

Also, remember Women’s Aid have a Live Chat (3pm-10pm) where you can speak to someone without picking up the phone or saying anything aloud. They also have a “quick exit” on their website in case that scumbag is creeping around.

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Thank you, I will definitely reach out for some advice

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 10/01/2023 23:13

Your post has reminded me about things my ex did that I haven't thought about in ages, and it's reminded me how fucking glad I am I left him years ago. We have DC together so I've never been able to cut him out completely but you can and should. This is coercive control and he's a horrible person.

Yellowflowerr · 10/01/2023 23:15

Errrrrr WTF OP??? This literally reads like a serial killer novel, this guy is deranged and financially abusing you not to mention mentally! There’s so much to unpack there with what you’ve said and it’s very disturbing but I think the main thing is to just get out of there and somewhere safe and talk to someone about it.

Original poster
xxp · 10/01/2023 23:15

Thanks to each and every one of you who have reached out with support and honesty. I truly can't thank you all enough, I have never posted on here before but this is a great community of people. My head is spinning, I really have been living in denial and hoping things would get better but I now realise this is abuse and will only get worse. I need to find my way out and will reach out to support organisations and friends/family to see how I can escape him as I think this is going to be a tough road ahead for sure. Going to bed now but I will let you all know soon what the next few days bring xx

OP posts:
Username721 · 10/01/2023 23:16

xxp · 10/01/2023 23:08

Your right. I do have friends, I've just been ashamed to let people know what's happening but I do suspect they have an idea of what's going on. I haven't seen friends for a while and they witnessed some of his behaviour at a recent wedding so I don't think they will be hugely surprised when I open up

Show quote history

They probably already know somethings wrong, yeah.

Just tell one person at least. In the meantime, if he lays one hand on you or the cats, threatens you or scares you in any way, phone the police and have him removed from the house.

Which part of the UK are you in?

Believ · 10/01/2023 23:16

Good luck OP, you deserve so much better than him 🤬

Cakeandcardio · 10/01/2023 23:22

Get your stuff together and then absolutely grey rock this bastard. He thinks he is in control but now you are. Get the house sorted through a lawyer and honestly, don't look back. Your grandparents will not be disappointed in you. You are presumably young too so have lots of time to start again. No way can you just have a miserable existence with this scum. Good luck.

Morielle · 10/01/2023 23:22

I only read the first two, get going

mamaison · 10/01/2023 23:23

Oh my gosh you poor thing. I hope you get out soon. I know it won’t be easy but you must!