Break down of relationship - am I doing the right thing?

[xxp]

So I have been with my partner for 12 years but I am now contemplating ending the relationship. I do genuinely love this man but being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

Context: We have a joint mortgage together in our beautiful home, 2 cats and a shared car so I am quite hesitant to end this but I want some opinions on what I am going through and if I have enough reason to call it quits. Over the last few months I’ve found his behaviour to be quite controlling. To keep this relatively short I will bullet point
⁃ he turned the heating and hot water off to get back at me one day, said that he was paying for it and he didn’t want to pay that day… he knew I needed a shower before going out
⁃ Mum and siblings visited for 2 weeks at Christmas and I haven’t seen them for 4 years, he made the whole time hell. Telling me I was neglecting him however he did not want to take part in any of our plans (his choice). He also made it very difficult with the shared car, he demanded it when he knew I had plans. I gave him the car when asked, no problem with me and it then sat outside the pub for a whole day… so he didn’t actually need it, just wanted to be difficult.
⁃ Our car was keyed on 23rd dec when I was visiting elderly grandparents, admittedly the area isn’t the best but this could have happened anywhere. Told me I wasn’t to park it there anymore and I did today to quickly drop off some messages and he seen… he’s now come home and cancelled the car insurance, and asked for the payment to be removed from our joint account although this was meant to be a joint financial commitment. I cannot afford this on my own which he knows.
⁃ When we fall out, he knows it hurts me and he takes out on our cats: they are mainly indoor cats but venture outside for about 10 minutes a day. One day we fell out and he put them outside in snow for hours and I didn’t know until I returned home later
⁃ I was I’ll with the flu recently and he refused to let me sleep one night… blared the tv so loud we had s noise complain from the neighbour, put crisps in my hair until I eventually had to sleep in another room

This is just a small selection of things he’s done to me in the last few weeks but I feel like I am going crazy and I’ve had enough of his behaviour. I think I need to leave. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated, I think I just need reassurance I am doing the right thing. I guess I am just scared about how I will cope financially after separation on my income alone

I wanted to wish you the very best for today. You will be so relieved when all of this is over and you can relax. It may be tough in the interim, he could get nasty or nice but stay firm and don’t engage with him more than necessary. Is there somewhere you can go other than your grandparents as I would imagine that is the first place he would expect you to be. God bless.

Do take your parts of the savings ( if not more) asap. Very important. Before he realises you are leaving.

Fuck me OP, this is so painful to read.

This is abuse pure and simple - get yourself out of there ASAP!

Sending you massive hugs, I've had a very similar relationship in the past.

Ha I love the way some of you are so concerned with the cats welfare rather than the op

Sorry only just seen this.
If they are registered to you on the microchip, then you will be fine.
As someone else mentioned, Cats Protection have fosters who can temporarily house your cats for free if you can’t take them with you.

So sorry you’re in this situation.

Yes take half the savings. You might get money out of the house eventually but he will fight you every step of the way. At least this way you have salvaged something from the relationship.

Good luck OP. You're doing the right thing.

I don’t think they are at all. But I think it just highlights what sort of person OP is dealing with, that he’s willing to use the pets as a form of punishment against her.
And OP clearly cares about her cats so I’m sure she’s understands where people are coming from.

But I hope @xxp knows that if she does feel in any danger she must put herself first and leave immediately, even if that does mean temporarily leaving the cats behind.

Cruelty to and use of animals for "punishment" is often a precursor to more serious abuse of a human and also an indicator of psychopathic behaviour.

"Ha", indeed.

Take it from me, they are already worried. You will be removing a worry to go to them.

My sister has been hit by her husband. I can't force her to leave, so I just have to discreetly monitor the situation and worry each time his team lose etc.

@Motherland2624 - honestly, a dickish comment

I think I'd probably just text:

'I've left, this relationship isn't working for me.
Please contact me via my email (insert email), as I'll be blocking your number straight away'

Then block straight away

That way you can record all the communication. If you feel unsafe at any point, threatening emails, turning up on your door step, work etc, don't hesitate to contact the police'

See a solicitor asap

ha! Our simple little minds are capable of processing more than one concept simultaneously Motherland. How marvellous is that? - you should try it!

No actually thinking of the welfare of a animal is crazy when the abuse the op that has been documented has been skimmed over
putting crisps in her hair and sleep deprivation
and that’s just the start

Agree with taking half your savings as well as proof of the total amount so you can prove you only took half. Also make sure you have all your documents (passport, marriage certificate, birth certificate etc and any bank info that he could use to pretend to be you).

You need to be prepared for him to get nasty because I'm sure he will.

You partner's behaviour is abusive. You should leave.

And keep screenshots of all his behaviour where he has financially threatened you with the bills/mortgage etc

I don’t think anyone’s skimming over what this poor girl is going through. In the first post, I read the very first bullet point and that was plenty to know what this bastard is.

The crisps point was particularly terrible too, beyond degrading. Like stopping someone’s access to a toilet or shower.

In relation to the cats, he’s punished them because the OP clearly loves them and this is a great way to get at her. Someone who does that to a defenceless animal will 100% stop at nothing. If the OP wasn’t doing what she’s doing, he’d kill her one day. I think that’s why people are highlighting it.

Take out half, plus extra money to insure the car in your name only.....

Good luck OP, grab all your essentials and get the hell out of there - everything else can be sorted later, take care of yourself

Good luck, stay safe x

You're doing the right thing. He's extremely abusive and unhinged. If his behaviour has changed quickly then it can escalate even further quickly and I would fear for your life.

Your family and friends (especially the ones who stayed with you recently) will absolutely know what he is like. It won't be a surprise.

Good luck and stay safe x

@xxp This is coercive control (and domestic abuse).

It is a criminal offence in England and Wales for someone to subject you to coercive control. If you experience this kind of abuse you can report it to the police.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Hi OP,
Well done on making this decision and acting on it. It is a really brave thing to do. Your family will be proud, even if they share their feelings about why you stayed. There are some great articles that they can read to help them to understand why it is hard to leave an abusive situation.

I agree that you should take out any money that is owed before you let him or the bank know that you are leaving. Our joint account was frozen once the bank were aware that I had fled.

I agree that you need to take any documents with you (bank, mortgage, personal documents, any bills in your name. But I also wish someone had advised me to take anything of great sentimental value, as it was impossible to go back and ex wouldn't give anything back.

Not to scare you, but the riskiest time for a victim of abuse is immediately prior to and after leaving. Stay safe. Let the police know that you have left a domestic abuse situation and they will flag your number, just in case. It's better to be over-cautious than under-cautious.

Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse agency will be able to support you to stay safe, and offer counselling to process what you have been through.

Casual animal cruelty, controlling, removing your access to the shared vehicle (who owns that?). Yeah. He's an abusive arsehole. Take the cats tell your friends and family what a freak he turned out to be

This is completely unacceptable controlling behaviour. You MUST leave however much you love your house. Animal abuse alone would do it for me. Get out while you can and for God's sake don't tell him your plans, he could do something awful to your cats or abandon them a long way away.
This behaviour is actually illegal now.