Break down of relationship - am I doing the right thing?

[xxp]

So I have been with my partner for 12 years but I am now contemplating ending the relationship. I do genuinely love this man but being together is proving to be very difficult because of his behaviour.

Context: We have a joint mortgage together in our beautiful home, 2 cats and a shared car so I am quite hesitant to end this but I want some opinions on what I am going through and if I have enough reason to call it quits. Over the last few months I’ve found his behaviour to be quite controlling. To keep this relatively short I will bullet point
⁃ he turned the heating and hot water off to get back at me one day, said that he was paying for it and he didn’t want to pay that day… he knew I needed a shower before going out
⁃ Mum and siblings visited for 2 weeks at Christmas and I haven’t seen them for 4 years, he made the whole time hell. Telling me I was neglecting him however he did not want to take part in any of our plans (his choice). He also made it very difficult with the shared car, he demanded it when he knew I had plans. I gave him the car when asked, no problem with me and it then sat outside the pub for a whole day… so he didn’t actually need it, just wanted to be difficult.
⁃ Our car was keyed on 23rd dec when I was visiting elderly grandparents, admittedly the area isn’t the best but this could have happened anywhere. Told me I wasn’t to park it there anymore and I did today to quickly drop off some messages and he seen… he’s now come home and cancelled the car insurance, and asked for the payment to be removed from our joint account although this was meant to be a joint financial commitment. I cannot afford this on my own which he knows.
⁃ When we fall out, he knows it hurts me and he takes out on our cats: they are mainly indoor cats but venture outside for about 10 minutes a day. One day we fell out and he put them outside in snow for hours and I didn’t know until I returned home later
⁃ I was I’ll with the flu recently and he refused to let me sleep one night… blared the tv so loud we had s noise complain from the neighbour, put crisps in my hair until I eventually had to sleep in another room

This is just a small selection of things he’s done to me in the last few weeks but I feel like I am going crazy and I’ve had enough of his behaviour. I think I need to leave. Any thoughts on my situation would be appreciated, I think I just need reassurance I am doing the right thing. I guess I am just scared about how I will cope financially after separation on my income alone

So leave - as previously advised he is highly deranged and abusive. You have somewhere to go - take the cats and go. Take all your stuff - hire a van and box it up (do it one day when he is at work) enlist friends support - redirect your post and leave.

Honestly I’ve been there you think you don’t have the strength but you do!! You really do. Don’t leave anything you might need eg Christmas dec just go. He is so abusive he is off the scale.

A monster. You re not going crazy, just under massive stress.
You know you should leave and resist all his attempts to row back.

Is the car in your name? If so take the car and the cats and ask your grandparents if you can come asap then I would try and get some legal advice about selling the house and having to leave due to his behaviour.

If he starts acting out when you go don't be afraid to report harassment to the police. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt, he sounds like he could easily flip and you need the protection of them knowing what's going on.

Hi OP, if it helps at all you have my support and best wishes. Please follow the sensible advice of people here. Leave right now, your family and friends will help and they won't blame you. We are strangers and we don't.
I am well old and have left a fair few nutters myself, I never regretted leaving and things always got better very fast. And listen to the wise people here. They know stuff.

If he’s turned everything off, presumably he’s out all day today? So you can leave today.

Oh OP I wish you were my daughter and I could come and rescue you from this monster. Please please see him for what he is, you are so young and have so much life to live. I beg you to reach out to those who love you and try and find a safe space to move to with your lovely cats. If you cannot do it today for whatever reason please start planning today. You have all these lovely MNetters behind you, take care and be brave xx

Hell yes. Get the hell out of dodge. He's an arsehole.

can you take today as sick from work (you said you had a chest infection) and pack up and leave TODAY. This isn’t going to get better. Alongside him being a fucking arsehole, I suspect he’s deliberately pushing you away so you’re the baddy when you end it. You don’t have to tell your grandparents the full story if you don’t want to, that seems to be putting you off asking them for help, just tell them the bare minimum until you're ready to talk.

PLEASE. LEAVE. TODAY.

Oh my goodness...please find the strength to pack essentials, paperwork and your cats and get out of there today.

We're all here for you. You will get tonnes of support from people who have sadly been through this but have come out the other side.

Please please leave today.

This is chilling....please please get out of there x

What the actual fuck!! Don't you dare leave, chuck this arse hole out of yours and your cats home!!

We're all rooting for you. You have your whole precious life ahead of you. X

Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement to get out today. I've spoken with my boss who I have a good relationship with and she's told me to take the rest of the week off. I'll reach out to family today and get help to pack up my things. he's away today and I'm going to pack up what I need and get out with my cats before he returns from work. Next question - should I tell him/explain why I have left or just leave him guessing? Not that I think it is rocket science to figure out why but despite his behaviour, I want to be respectful because that's who I am.
I emailed my solicitor last night to get an appointment set up to discuss my legal rights re mortgage and finance etc. but I think it might take a bit of time to get it sorted, I am super anxious about what he will do here as I feel like he's going to the full extent to try and hurt me and I know he's capable of worse than what any of you guys know

Hey mumsnetters can anyone find the very useful list of items to remember when leaving? This may help the OP focus....I just cannot find it - thanks.

I wouldnt even communicate with him again, just go silent and leave the horrible cunt guessing.

He is a truly nasty cunt. The abuse is horrific. Thank fuck you’re getting out. There’ll be some good financial and legal advice on here soon.

Tell him nothing until you’re gone. He seems vengeful.

I feel like he's going to the full extent to try and hurt me and I know he's capable of worse than what any of you guys know

This has made my blood run cold. I'm so glad you're leaving. You don't need to tell him why but it's up to you. If it helps you to do it in a letter or text then do it but personally I wouldn't bother.

Oh @xxp, you are being very brave. Firstly, I'm glad to hear you are taking the cats. Not sure if anyone else answered but having them microchipped to you isn't absolute proof of ownership but he'd have a hard time arguing that they were his. He would use them to punish you if you left them but doubt he'll go to court to fight for them once they're gone.
Secondly, once you are out, and I'm sure there will be lots of opinions on this, if you need closure, I would send a very brief message to say that you are ending the relationship and have moved out. If you start going into reasons with an abuser, they use it to engage you. They will either rage or start arguing and gaslighting (though there may be some charm thrown in every now and again to lure you back). None of this is what you need. You KNOW he's very bad for you. So let him know it's over and leave it there.
Let the solicitors sort the rest out. You won't lose claim on the house just because you've moved out. Who owns the car? If yours, can you just sell it and buy something cheaper? Or maybe you can afford to run it once you're with your grandparents?
Good luck today.

Ugh sorry for lack of paragraphs.

But to clarify, as PP say, if you message, absolutely not until after you've gone.

Don’t message him until you are safe. Do not give in and do not go back.
Good luck.

Sending lots of love and good wishes. Notified this just and couldn’t not comment. These are the practical things that I remember being told by woman’s aid / another local charity when I left in a similar situation. As others have said also contact woman’s aid yourself when you have change. They may also be able to put you in touch with a local organisation who can offer you one to one support.

Do you have anybody local who can come and help you asap? Please don’t feel afraid to call on anybody you know, this is an absolute emergency.
Make sure your pack your passport, birth certificate, and important letters relating to bank accounts insurance ect.
Once you have left he will most likely make it very difficult to collect the rest of your stuff, so you may have to accept that some stuff that you can’t take with you now is gone and you will have to replace ie clothes ect.
Don’t tell him where you have gone to as he will try to charm you back, claiming to have changed ect, don’t fall for it. Simply leave him a note to say you are leaving the relationship and not to contact you, you will be in touch via a solicitor to arrange financial separation ect. If you have money in a joint account then try and move half of it to a separate account asap then ask the bank if you can be removed from it, say that you have left an abusive relationship.
Also contact the police non emergency number to tell them that you have left the relationship and retrospectively report his previous abusive acts so that it is logged (be aware he will most likely escalate once you have left so you will need to continue reporting his ongoing behaviour).

I just wanted to wish you luck for today. You've got this, you're strong and amazing and deserve so much better.

It sounds like you are going to get out today which is absolutely the right decision by the sound of things.

Please please check whether he has 'Find my iphone' or similar set up to your phone and get rid of it ASAP. Turn your phone off or put on airplane mode in the meantime when you leave the house if you don't have chance

Good luck to you OP - he sounds absolutely disgusting.