To call them by their first names?

[continuousever]

Not really my story or problem.
My friend is dating a very lovely guy who we all think is the one for her. He is very liberal and easy going. His parents, less so. They are very conservative.

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname. She says this makes her feel like there is a big authority and importance gap between them. In her family everyone is treated equally and her partner calls her parents by their first name and is one of the family.

I don't know all the ins and outs but if I were in that situation would I be unreasonable to just call them by their first names and state that we are al equal? Or is there another boundary she can set signifying that she is just as equally important. She says that it's very important to her that she won't accept an inferior position in the family.

I'm much older than your friend, I met my DH when I was 21 (29 years ago) and I've never called his parents Mr and Mrs, nor did he call my parents that. I called his Grandma 'Grandma', but everyone did, and I still call his Aunt 'Aunty (name)', but again, everyone does. Calling people Mr and Mrs when you're 28 is unusual.

You call people by their preferes names. Friend needs to get a grip. She is being unreasonable

The temptation gently to correct them if they called me 'Mariel' to the formal 'Dr Van Arkle' would be almost too great to resist. If I valued the relationship, though, I think I'd hold fire.

It's quite easy to address someone without calling them anything at all, just as I've got used to working around pronoun avoidance. This is for everyone when I'm in a professional context, not just people I know to be trans or non-binary. It avoids potential issues and I have enough to worry about without blundering into a potential issue with 'disrespecting' someone's identity. Put my foot in it in this climate and I'd be in a disciplinary before I knew where I was.

The only time in-laws would receive a polite, but open refusal of their choice of address is if they asked me to call them 'Mum' and 'Dad'. I'd be quite firm about the fact that people who are not my parents are not entitled to be addressed as such.

In our culture it's petty and it's weird, and would likely result in my putting a larger barrier between my relationship with them than I otherwise would.

Bet if they do end up in a serious, committed relationship, they'll prefer to spend Christmas with her parents.

Well. I'm 51 and my PARENTS always called their respective inlaws by their first names, never mind me.

They sound ridiculous to me but whatever. What do I know?

My DH calls his step mum Miss (name) because she was his maths teacher 45 years ago!

I was raised to call older people Mr or Mrs whatever at least until you became more familiar so I think its normal.

To go straight in on first name terms when they have indicated otherwise seems to lack manners to me.

If my partners parents expected me to call them Mr and Mrs surnames, then I would respond that as we aren't on first name terms of relationship , I except to be called Mrs Surname too as will my children who are Mr surname and Miss surname

I think it is quite clear that they view her as some trollop stealing away their baby boy, hence their unfriendliness, so no I’m sure they won’t deem her worthy of enough respect to call her Miss Surname 🤷‍♀️

But as a poster said, they have clearly decided in advance that they don’t like her and aren’t going to welcome her, but she should pick her battles.

Are they American, by any chance?

Yes of course. Bear in mind that even within one country, there are numerous different cultures; based on location, age, religion, class, race, manners, upbringing.

My longterm (40 years +) friend and I were born and raised within 100 miles of each other; the same age , gender, race, nationality, education, careers, interests. Different in every other way because our upbringing was chalk and cheese. I was brought up " No Holds Barred". She was raised "Keep a Lid On It".

OF's marriage and homelife is quite formal. Virgin bride , in white in church. She has never undressed in front of her husband (or me!); he has certainly NEVER seen her in the bath/shower/on the loo (neither have I). In 40 years she has never talked about her sexlife (with him, or anyone). I only know they had one because we raised our kids together (in very different ways.) I have never heard OF or her DH use endearments or swear (to each other or their children).

I think she should speak to her boyfriend and let him know she is uncomfortable with it. Ask him to speak to his parents and get them to move into the 21st century.

That assumes no cultural differences. As has been pointed out in some cultures it would be more expected and she should just go with it.

Equal doesn't mean the same. Equal in this case is they decide what you call them, and you decide what they call you.

What does it matter? So some people are more formal, so what? She can be petty about it and insist they call her Ms Whatever so she can feel more equal if she really needs the validation that much.