To call them by their first names?

[continuousever]

Not really my story or problem.
My friend is dating a very lovely guy who we all think is the one for her. He is very liberal and easy going. His parents, less so. They are very conservative.

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname. She says this makes her feel like there is a big authority and importance gap between them. In her family everyone is treated equally and her partner calls her parents by their first name and is one of the family.

I don't know all the ins and outs but if I were in that situation would I be unreasonable to just call them by their first names and state that we are al equal? Or is there another boundary she can set signifying that she is just as equally important. She says that it's very important to her that she won't accept an inferior position in the family.

She should call them by their surname and request they do the same for her.

She needs to show respect if this is what they have requested she calls them.

They shouldn't have any problem with using her surname and if they do she should point out the irony.

A bit weird, but sounds like she has only just met them if they’re having the ‘what should we call you conversation?’ Maybe they’ll warm up later on when they know her.

Your friend doesn't know if this couple will ask her to call them by their first names after a while. If she were to (very rudely, imo) tell them to call her Miss Smith because they want to be called Mrs & Mrs X, she will have definitely laid out her stall to ill effect. That will sour the relationship with her boyfriend too.

We should all call people what they want to be called. If my name were Elizabeth and I liked to be called that, why should someone call me Liz because they found it more informal and friendlier?

I think your friend is behaving like a silly child, OP.

Not a cultural thing but my sister married the most decent educated and kindest of men. His sister is a witch and his brother although nice has had a ' chequered' life. His parents are the embodiment of spiteful nasty manipulative and narcissistic. My sister marvels that he turned out the way he did given his parents.

Any parent of a partner who says call me Mrs or Mr Smith (or whatever surname) can call me Mr (my surname) and i’d say that’s fine, and tell them call me Mr xxxx.

Respect and formality goes both ways.

But i doubt i’d hang around much for people like that.

Call them Mum & Dad. That should wind them up. Or introduce herself as ‘the future Mrs Smith’.

Realistically I’d probably just avoid referring to them by name at all.

Haha. It's an interesting point though. I'd never refer to anyone by a royal or noble title, however much they might want me to.

I think it’s interesting you see it as thinking they are more important, trying to be superior and that it denotes inequality. To me it just sounds as if they have a more formal upbringing and it is usual for them to speak like this - maybe it is simply more formal and respectful when they don’t yet know each other well?

I'd say "that's fine my name is Miss .... "

What is the point of this thread?

It is unusually formal for a typical British family, I would find it odd/surprising, but not something I could get worked up about. As PP have pointed out it would be impolite to use a different name when they have expressed a preference.

However, you mention cultural differences, so they aren't a typical British family. In some cultures using proper titles is highly important, it can be considered extremely rude and offensive to call an older relative by their name rather than Aunt/Uncle/Grandma...

The money = respect thing is ridiculous.

I think it was aimed at the .... they raised her partner for his entire life. If they want to be called Mrs and Mr is it really a big issue. Even if just initially to get them on side. They are still strangers really, aren't they?

God they can't been that old. We have a 26 year old. How pathetic of them. I would fuck them over and get them to call me Mx Latte.

We have family members who have insisted on this with their DIL and SIL, its very hierarchical and the DIL and SIL were excluded from things and treated slightly second class. Needless to say relationships haven't ended well.

But it’s a generational respect. Like if you call your own mum and dad by their first names, they’d probably go mad. We call aunts and uncles by titles, and even now, if I call my auntie by her first name, without the word ‘auntie’ in front of it, she corrects me. Same as we ask to be called aunt and uncle by our nieces and nephews. To me, it’s the same.

It’s not me saying I’m ‘better’ than my niece.

I wouldn't have an issue with this. If that's how they like to be addressed then so be it. I imagine it would change if they get married.

My mum who is well into her 80’s had to do this until she had kids when she called them Granny and Grandpa for the rest of their lives. Miserable old people. I’d avoid visiting and avoid using names, it’s not hard to use you most of the time. Son can say if you were more welcoming we might visit more often.

If I was your friend I wouldn’t make an issue out of it unless my DP wanted me to. But I would, as a PP recommends, be keeping an eye out for the dynamic between DP and his parents and I would minimize the amount of theme I spent with the parents.

I’m nearly twice your friend’s age and I grew up when you tended to start out by calling your peers’ parents Mr. & Mrs. whatever. But even a quarter of a century ago most would almost immediately tell you to call them by their first name. This seems more than a bit old fashioned, though cultural differences may be part of that.

I do think culture makes a difference because culture is what gives actions like this meaning. If the culture is different, the meaning is different. In white British culture today an insistence that you call someone Mr(s) X while they call you by your first name would be seen by most as a bit of a power play with the intention to show you your place, the sort of thing they might not do if they thought you were “good enough”. Where as it wasn’t that in the same way decades ago, it was a sign of respect, but not one that demeaned the younger person. And I think that meaning - respect for elders without being a put down on the other side - is a meaning it’s retained in some cultures. (Though sometimes those cultures also have a deference to parents that I might find unpalatable in someone I was seriously dating, so can still be a red flag).

Amazing.

If they wanted to be referred by a non-binary name, if he wanted to be called 'she' and she wanted to be called 'it' or whatever, most people would be bending over backwards to accommodate their 'choice'.

I was the same with neighbours of my Mother even when I had my own family.

I’m in a country where it is the norm to refer to anyone older than you or anyone you do not know well as sir/madam.
Our neighbours (in their 60s) have known my DH his whole life and still insist on being called sir/madam.
I just give an informal “hey” 😉

What's the harm in using the chosen names for a bit? I would as they have asked her to. Who knows what might happen. She may quickly become close with them and they all may be using first names after a while.

I hope she doesn't have to curtsy too? 😱

I would say this is a generational thing but if the couple are 28 then they're probably not much older than me so I find it odd.
Growing up, the older lady next door was Mrs Bloggs. I never knew her first name. But that was in the 70s and 80s.
I think I'm leaning towards saying hello Mrs surname, you can call me Miss Surname.
I general, if someone expects to be called Mrs Surname then I would expect the same in return. If someone wants first names that's fine too, as long as it works both ways.

This is actually a very good point lol