To call them by their first names?

[continuousever]

Not really my story or problem.
My friend is dating a very lovely guy who we all think is the one for her. He is very liberal and easy going. His parents, less so. They are very conservative.

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname. She says this makes her feel like there is a big authority and importance gap between them. In her family everyone is treated equally and her partner calls her parents by their first name and is one of the family.

I don't know all the ins and outs but if I were in that situation would I be unreasonable to just call them by their first names and state that we are al equal? Or is there another boundary she can set signifying that she is just as equally important. She says that it's very important to her that she won't accept an inferior position in the family.

Hmmmm I don’t think I’d really feel at ease, and it might make me feel differently about the relationship. It’s just odd in my eyes.

Id probably want to be called Ms X in return tbh

She could say ok well perhaps best if you call me Dr/Ms/Miss surname as well then for a level footing?

would cultural differences change your opinion? should it just be accepted if its a different culture?

Respect works both ways. They've made a request that she's not comfortable with, they need to discuss it and come to a mutually agreeable solution.

Cultural issues notwithstanding then I'd just not go with it. If it sets the tone for a bad relationship with them then so be it.

Thats how I addressed my partners mum the first time I met her (I'm late 40s if it's relevant), but I fully expected her to correct me to her first name, which she did. Mrs this and Mr that was just normal in the 70s and 80s. But my kids who are in their 20s wouldn't dream of using surnames, so definitely a generational thing.

It's old fashioned. But it's pretty rude to call someone by a different name when they have made it clear what they want to be called.

Obviously she can insist on calling them 'Jack and Margaret' if she likes and state that she's not 'inferior'. But she'd better hope the relationship doesn't end up serious as it's not a great start to meeting the inlaws. They are an older generation and have made them preferences known, so it's simply respectful to stick to that, even if she's privately thinking 'Dickhead' every time she says 'Mr so -and-so'

I think if that’s how they want the relationship to be I’d be saying that’s fine, we’ll call each other more formally if that’s what you prefer - I’ll call you Mr & Mrs Jones and you can call me Ms Smith.

As three adults meeting in an informal situation there is no need for one party to feel they are more deserving of respect. If they want a more formal relationship that can work both ways.

In her shows, I’d respect their request to call them “Mr and Mrs Whatever” - but I’d insist that they reciprocated the formality and refer to me as “Miss Hat”. Politeness and formality works both ways.

Shoes, not shows! In her shoes…..

My mum now lives next door to one of my teachers from school. I am nearly 50 but I still call her Mrs Jones. She says “oh do call me Catherine” but it’s like “sorry- just can’t”.

I’m in my late fifties. My uncle (married to my Dad’s sister) did this with my Grandparents in the seventies. I thought it was weird even then as both my mum and other auntie ( married to Dad’s bother) used their first names. Even weirder as they had all known each other socially before they met/married.

Honestly I'd tell her to call it quits now. Presuming he has a good relationship with his parents she is going to get in the way of that if she can't respect their preferences. The boyfriend will be torn between the two and uts an unfair place to put him in. My husband called my dad uncle until we got married when my dad said he'd be honoured if he called him dad. I did the same with my inlaws, it wasn't a big deal just what they wanted. I did respect my inlaws and dh did the same for my parents.

No one could make me call an Italian grandmother anything other than Signora. Wild horses etc. so culture is important.

However so is relationship. And I would struggle with being told to do it. Past the first few meetings certainly.

Meh, I’d just call them what they want to be called, rather than kick off my relationship with my potential future in-laws with a shitty combative power struggle.

Also, are they American? This is still pretty common in many parts of the US.

Oh I have to call all DD's teachers Mrs. Ms. etc. I can't help myself.

It's just basic politeness to call someone what they've asked to be called (unless it's offensive!). Is it really so difficult for you friend to call them Mr and Mrs Whoever?

I think your friends in laws are being incredibly pompous. Absolutely no way would I call my fiancé’s parents Mr and Mrs surname. When does it stop? When they get married? When they have children?

They sound like they need to remove a very large stick from their backsides.

I wouldn't do it. I'm not their inferior and nor do I need to earn being treated as an equal. They do not assume authority over another adult like that. No.

And if she asks that they call her Ms. Smith, do you think they will feel the same? I suspect not. It's a power imbalance issue.

I’m retirement age and would never have dreamed of calling my MIL and FIL by their first names. Mr and Mrs last name seemed too formal so I tried to avoid calling them anything. It was brilliant when DS came along and I could call FIL Grandpa. (Tragically MIL had died by this time). DH felt the same about my parents.

Uptight and stuffy, where will.it end?
It's more friendly and relaxed also to call peo0le by their first names.

It's odd, but I'd take this approach - I see PIL quite frequently and can't really remember the last time I actually used their names (or them mine)

Tbh it's not really her issue to deal with. If she doesn't want to and tells her partner she doesn't and he sees issue with her not doing so then the relationship is over, if he understands her discomfort then he should speak to his parents and say "Mum, dad, Sarah's not going to call you Mr and Mrs Thomson, get over yourselves." It's not her problem in my view.

Quite. I'd be tempted to say, "But it's Ms. Smith to you."
See how they like them apples.