To call them by their first names?

[continuousever]

Not really my story or problem.
My friend is dating a very lovely guy who we all think is the one for her. He is very liberal and easy going. His parents, less so. They are very conservative.

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname. She says this makes her feel like there is a big authority and importance gap between them. In her family everyone is treated equally and her partner calls her parents by their first name and is one of the family.

I don't know all the ins and outs but if I were in that situation would I be unreasonable to just call them by their first names and state that we are al equal? Or is there another boundary she can set signifying that she is just as equally important. She says that it's very important to her that she won't accept an inferior position in the family.

I’ve had my mother in law for 20 years and have avoided calling her anything. Mrs X felt too formal, first name too familiar and Mum is just all kinds of wrong.

But people in Germany also call their work colleagues “Mr Smith” and “Mrs Jones” whereas in the UK that would be weird beyond belief.

The only person who calls me by my surname is my son’s teacher, and that is only because she doesn’t know my first name (or my title, actually, she calls me Mrs which I do not use). I’m a doctor, so very hierarchical environment, and my colleagues call me by my first name, or “Dr Firstname” at most.

Honestly, in UK terms this is as stiff and formal as insisting your daughter in law stands up and curtsies when you walk into the room, or only communicates with you in writing or something. It is really odd, and sends a “don’t think you are getting your feet under the table young lady” message.

In my book, it is polite to call people what they want to be called. If your friend feels that that puts her on the back foot, she could ask them to call her Miss Doe instead of Jane, so it's formal all round.

If you worked with someone, even someone older, who insisted on this I think it would be seen as very weird and inappropriate and would probably not be tolerated. Surprised at the level of support shown on this thread.

I went nearly 20 years without calling my mother in law anything. It helped that a lot of the time we were in different countries, and then barely any contact.

I was brought up to call my elders by their surname, until I was invited to do otherwise.

I still see it as good manners to call people by the name they choose to be known by. If that's their surname, so be it- my sense of 'self' isn't diminished by it.

I suppose, too, that it's possible that while your friend thinks this man might be 'the one', his parents might so far just see her as one of a line of girlfriends. It's entirely possible that once it's clear they are 'serious' (in their eyes), they'll invite her to use their first names.

Less likely though, if she starts out by being chippy about something so inconsequential.

Your friend is the problem. Why has she made this about “more important” versus “less important”? Or about equality? Your allusion to ‘liberal’ in your OP makes me wonder if this is uber-liberalness, maybe even wokery? Sounds like her bf’s parents have her number!

It is odd very formal. But if that what they want, then you need to respect their wishes. Just as you'd call them by any other name they requested.

Absolutely call them by their formal names and request that you are too, especially if you are a lord/lady/reverend/doctor. It’s all very Hyacinth Bouquet, isn’t it? (And that’s the second time I’ve used that term today)

I find that very strange as I'm probably the age of the parents. I can't imagine telling any friend or partner of my children to call me anything other than my first name.

Even when I was in my early 20s, older adults I worked with etc told me to call them by their first name, which I struggled with to start with, but once I got used to it, it was a relief.

Even calling someone Auntie or Uncle X felt awkward to me and I dropped it when I grew up, without asking if they minded.

I did find it hard to call my mil by her first name though and mostly avoided calling her anything, just waited to have her attention. Probably called her by her first name only a very few times in 30 years of knowing her!

At 28 it seems bonkers to refer to a partner's parents as Mr and Mrs Surname. I think I'd avoid calling them anything at all........ Can't the bf tackle this with his parents?

Ah @SirVixofVixHall calling someone who is not the sister of one of your parents "auntie" is wrong on a completely different level. If they are not your aunt why on earth would you imply they were?

Who even cares? Is it really that hard to just address them as they wish to be addressed? Especially nowadays when people are encouraged to state how they want to be known.

How is it remotely “woke” to call your in-laws by their first name? It is entirely normal in the UK to do so.

Do you call you family by their titles and surname? Your work colleagues? I bet you don’t.

Also I can't imagine calling my MIL anything other than her first name. She isn't my mother, therefore I would never call her "mum".

Absolutely ludicrous. Your friend is a grown woman. Unless they call her Ms Smith? If they use her name then of course she should use theirs.

Good luck calling a judge "Gary" or "Susan"

@RosesAndHellebores I wouldn’t call it ‘wrong on a completely different level’. In some cultures it’s absolutely normal, and even in the UK I wouldn’t say it’s unusual

My parents still call each others parents Mr/Mrs Surname and they have been together since 1980 🤣

If that’s what they want to be called I don’t see the harm? And it would be really rude not to tbh.

If they haven’t been together long then maybe they will be happy with her calling them by their first names in time.

A judge wouldn't use a person's first name.

This was my first thought exactly 🤣

Don't forget the little bowing nod.

I used to laugh when I got - "Thank you Mrs Fred's mum"!

My DHs parents are from a different culture to me. I was I introduced to them by DH (then BF) as Dr and Mrs Qazwsxefv so that’s what I have called them ever since, they have never said “call us bob and Jane” so I haven’t. Now after over 10 years of marriage we are now at the point where I have moved to the relative informality of Dr Q and Mrs Q, despite this we have a good relationship- family wats app etc! In their culture it would be very rude to call one’s elders by their first names.

Some people just don't appreciate being firstnamed without invitation, on meeting young new acquaintances.
She should just be the bigger person and comply with their request.
She'll probably find that when they know her a bit better they will
relax.

Very odd

@Create10 precisely. You beat me to it.

I'm nearly 60'and call friends' parents Mr/Mrs/Ms.

What on earth is the big deal? Silly hill to die on.