To call them by their first names?

[continuousever]

Not really my story or problem.
My friend is dating a very lovely guy who we all think is the one for her. He is very liberal and easy going. His parents, less so. They are very conservative.

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname. She says this makes her feel like there is a big authority and importance gap between them. In her family everyone is treated equally and her partner calls her parents by their first name and is one of the family.

I don't know all the ins and outs but if I were in that situation would I be unreasonable to just call them by their first names and state that we are al equal? Or is there another boundary she can set signifying that she is just as equally important. She says that it's very important to her that she won't accept an inferior position in the family.

And if they call her Miss/Ms. Whatever, that's great.

It's mannerly surely? Are Mr & Mrs Whatever their names? Yes. Do they have a choice who addresses them as such ? Yes. Why would she call them anything else then? I suspect it's a bit soon to be calling them Mum & Dad and I think most people would be horrified if she called her own parents by their Christian names. So why would she do that to her bf's parents? It's clearly a generational thing. Your friend needs to suck it up and learn some etiquette from these people.

I think they are being a bit stupid (as well as arrogant). Your friend may one day be the mother of their grandchildren. Starting the relationship be being so "up themselves" could lead to an interesting fall later on when they realise their true worth.

@Englishash Not generational surely? I'm 40, my parents are 70 and 74. I always called friends parents by their first names, and my parents have always been known by first names by anyone. They are his parents not his grandparents ffs.

To me, it’s about formality not equality. The parents prefer to start on a more formal footing- wouldn’t be my choice but it’s perfectly legitimate. Of course the girlfriend shouldn’t just ignore that request. It’s a bit fuddy-duddy but people are allowed to be fuddy-duddy 🤷‍♀️

How someone addresses you is for the person being addressed to choose. Its the same premise as pronoun.

Your friend should respect their wishes and be less sensitive about their reasons.

I'd find it awkward but 8d call them what they wanted, just like I would if a trans person changed their name or someone preferred "them".

It sets the tone that they're not planning on treating her like family and I'd be prepared for them trying to assert authority or tell her what to do, or overstepping boundaries with grandchildren. It just seems like they're setting themselves above her.

If it's about formality then surely it should be correct that they call the gf Miss/Ms then?

It’s pathetically pompous and old fashioned but if she’s serious about this guy she should pick her battles. This is definitely but the hill to die on.

*not the hill

I’d be more interested to know what the boyfriend thinks of it. At his age and supposed liberalism there’s no way he can think that’s normal. Does he laugh about it with her afterwards?

This. My DILs don't call me anything. I didn't call my former MIL anything. You just say "Hello".

If you are aware of this, and it is obvious you are, is there any reason you don’t repeatedly say ‘call me (insert name)’ ?

Well, yeah, it's pretty odd. But I generally think you should call people what they asked to be called.

I agree. I have been your friend and would add that they won’t be the easiest PIL as time progresses. Unfortunately their views won’t begin or end with how they are addressed. It is an indicator of how they view themselves so she should bear that in mind for the future when something doesn’t go their way or the way they think it should.

My MIL loves to hear her own voice and sees herself as the matriarch of the family and is very manipulative in getting her own way. She loves being called Mrs Surname by everyone!

What if they get married and she takes his surname.

Imagine the conversation
Hello Mrs P pil
How are you Mrs P dil
Will they call her by her Christian name or her married name.

It’s old fashioned. In the 1960s and70s we all called our friends/ boyfriend’s parents Mr and Mrs, it would feel strange to have adults call me Mrs Poster now, unless in a professional setting. I dislike Drs etc calling me by my first name and expecting me to call them Dr X. I would, however address them as they have requested. Some people changed from Mr and Mrs to Mum and Dad for their in laws when they married, I didn’t, I avoided calling them anything. My son in law refers to me affection ally as MIL ( inspired by MN)

I'm completely gobsmacked by all the people who are okay with that. We grew up calling our friends' parents Mr and Mrs as it was considered appropriate in those days vs my DC's friends who just call me by my first name. BUT.... one of the many ways we were sort of signposted to adulthood, as it were, was the shift to calling our friends' parents by their first name. At some point, those we'd always referred to as Mr and Mrs Smith asked us to please now call them John and Mary or whatever and then by the time I'd left uni and was working, fi I met a friend's parents for the first time they'd be introduced as Jack and Jill.

To insist that an adult in a SOCIAL setting call you Mr and Mrs is completely inappropriate in this day and age, and has been for a long time.

I mean I'm married to my DH and still call his parents Mr & Mrs Surname sometimes 😂 it's just how I was brought up! I don't see an issue with it personally, I think it's the general consensus these days that you're meant to call people what they ask you too - surely this is just the same?

This, if you are supposed to use people's preferred pronouns why wouldn't you use their preferred proper nouns.

In this day and age??!!! OMG sounds like something straight out of Jane Austen!

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname.

Fine. Then they get to call her Ms Surname.
If they decline, they don't get to enjoy her company.

I'd be more interested in her b/f's take on it though. If he's playing along with it, he needs dumping. Too much enmeshment, no thanks!

She should call them what they're comfortable with. Get her some manners.

I'd call them what they wanted to be called. I think everyone deserves the courtesy of being addressed in the way they prefer.

I'm a bit older than you 😂. I would never have dreamed of calling my friends parents by their Christian names. I was brought up to respect my elders and to call my best friend's mum Mrs P throughout her life was absolutely the norm. As for my husband's parents, like many others on here I didn't call them anything until it was time to use Nanny and Grandad. I really think things are much more lax these days. On a tangent, I could never get my head around primary age children at the school where I worked calling the staff (who were their TAs by day) by their Christian names in after school club, but then being expected to call them Mrs D in class. Rudeness? Just a lapse in good manners to me. Grated like mad !