To call them by their first names?

[continuousever]

Not really my story or problem.
My friend is dating a very lovely guy who we all think is the one for her. He is very liberal and easy going. His parents, less so. They are very conservative.

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname. She says this makes her feel like there is a big authority and importance gap between them. In her family everyone is treated equally and her partner calls her parents by their first name and is one of the family.

I don't know all the ins and outs but if I were in that situation would I be unreasonable to just call them by their first names and state that we are al equal? Or is there another boundary she can set signifying that she is just as equally important. She says that it's very important to her that she won't accept an inferior position in the family.

I would accept it and call them what they prefer, regardless of culture. I would probably personally struggle with using auntie or uncle as it's not what I'm used to.

I'm really struggling to understand why this is even a question let alone a problem? Some people have a preference to how they are addressed. I would use it regardless of my thoughts. Your friend is seeing an intent that isn't there most likely.

And it would be the absolute height of rudeness to make a thing of it and quite frankly, as someone who is dating their son, she doesn't have any position in the family yet. I'm sure once they've either met the PIL more than once or twice, or she's been with the boyfriend for longer, then it will be relaxed.

Our children's friends who we never taught were clearly uncomfortable using our first names even though they were OK with other friends' parents!

When we were in a position that our children's teachers were also our friends and regular visiters to our house they had their after school names and the school names!

But also, why is it so awful to call them what they prefer?

Can I ask why so many of you are encouraging starting an antagonistic relationship with people this woman might have to see regularly?

Loads of you seem very brave behind your keyboards...

I think, then, that they should call her Ms Surname.

Sounds like your friend is being overly precious with the whole “it’s so important not to be inferior!” complex going on.

Just call them what they want to be called.

I grew up calling all adult neighbours Mr/Mrs. When I met DH, I remember him saying that they would expect to be called Mr/Mrs. I felt it was showing their superiority and it made me feel uncomfortable. I think I did do it initially. When DC1 was born I just called them their given names. There was no way I was going to call DC's grandparents Mr and Mrs! I suggest your friend calls them Mr and Mrs for a short while and then just drops it. How long she calls them Mr and Mrs depends on how regularly she sees them really.

Your friend is being unreasonable. Just call them Mr and Mrs X until invited to do otherwise.

It was completely normal to do this until a few decades ago, and in some (more formal) families it still is. Suck it up for a bit and show some willing. It doesn’t make your friend inferior.

If there’s an engagement them I’m sure they’ll invite your friend to call them by their Christian names.

Churlish.

Chip on her shoulder, obviously.

I’m assuming you’re not in the UK as I can’t honestly think of anyone who does that here.

Why would her asking the Same of them be petty? That shows you believe there is a power imbalance?

That's erm, not quite the MN way!

It sounds weird as fuck to me in this day and age (I'm mid 40's and have never come across this), it's about 100 years behind the times.

However, they can ask to be called whatever they want. I fail to see the superiority/inferiority/importance of it all, it just sounds very, excessively formal, and make them seem like pompous tossers.

I think your friend should respond in kind - inform them that they should only call her Ms First name, Middle initials, Surname. See how they like that!

And obviously only call them by their Mr and Mrs titles in front of them. The rest of the time refer to them by some alternative nicknames, e.g. Dick and Fanny.

Very different to my DP and I in that he calls my mum ‘mum’ and I call his ‘the ogre’ (we are NC with said ogre) 🥲

I au paired for a wealthy Italian family. The mother told me she and her husband had ro wait to be invited by their respective in laws to use first names. After 25 years of marriage, her Dh still called her dm Mrs

I think it's most peculiar. DH and I are early 60s. I call/ed his parents: Joan 86 and John 94; he call/ed mine: Penny 86 and Joe 94. (Obs not their real names). DH called my grandparents: Alec and Marina; I called his Charlie and Phyl.

DS's wife calls us Cressida and Phil; DS calls hers Mike and Jo. (Again not real names).

The only humans in 21st century Britain who expect me to address them with a title whilst they and all their staff use my first name are medical doctors and it's inappropriate and weird as I am neither their professional nor social subordinate. It's an outmoded form of hierarchy because I don't pay them directly.

@continuousever I assume your friends is not socially subordinate to these people. Either way their behaviour is crass and unacceptable in 2023.

I don’t think it’s weird nor do I think it’s them saying they’re superior to your friend. It’s just a level of formality. I’d think it was perfectly normal to use a formal address until invited to do otherwise.

The problem is your friend thinking it has anything to do with them ‘asserting their superiority’. She should just call them Mr and Mrs and soon she’ll be invited to call them by their first names - which no, isn’t a sign they’re now saying they’re inferior to your friend 🙄

I understand you would like me to call you Mr Jones & Mrs Jones. I'd just like to be clear that I use Ms Smith not Miss Smith.

I’d have carried on calling them “Mr and Mrs Smith”, and teaching the grandchildren to do the same. Let the grandparents say out loud that they want the grandchildren to use “grandpa and granny”, but the daughter in law has to keep on using “Mr and Mrs”. It is just so disrespectful to your son’s wife.

From Yorkshire, so everyone was “Our Firstname”. “Our Jack” could be anyone from your grandson to your distant cousin to your father in law.

I think you’re massively overreacting. I don’t see a power struggle or imbalance, it’s just how some people were brought up. Twenty odd years ago I called my MIL Mrs X for 7 years until we got engaged, it’s totally normal in our culture. Just call them what they’d like to be called like you would anyone else.

If my in laws had told me I had to call them Mr & Mrs X, I'd have responded with "Pleased to meet you mr & mrs X, I'm Miss Y"

My best friend called my Mum MrsVix for many years. Even when my Mum said she could be less formal, and call her Auntie, it was so entrenched that she always forgot. I called her Mum “Auntie Anne” after a year or two of Mrs Davies.

Well actually they started it. I assume she was happy calling them Bob and Freida.

To me it seems very immature and silly to make a fuss about this, though I do agree that it sounds very stuffy now. But not worth making a Thing of it.

this …^^