To call them by their first names?

[continuousever]

Not really my story or problem.
My friend is dating a very lovely guy who we all think is the one for her. He is very liberal and easy going. His parents, less so. They are very conservative.

They want my friend to call them Mr Surname and Mrs Surname. She says this makes her feel like there is a big authority and importance gap between them. In her family everyone is treated equally and her partner calls her parents by their first name and is one of the family.

I don't know all the ins and outs but if I were in that situation would I be unreasonable to just call them by their first names and state that we are al equal? Or is there another boundary she can set signifying that she is just as equally important. She says that it's very important to her that she won't accept an inferior position in the family.

I think your friend has got a real problem if she thinks that basic politeness is indicative of an authority or importance gap. I would never have dreamt of calling the parents of any boyfriend or friend by their first names unless told to do so, and I think it would have been really disrespectful on my part if I had done so. That's not just a view from the days when I was much younger - I don't think any of my daughter's friends called me by my first name. But above all, I think it's incredibly rude not to address someone by whatever name they want to be known by.

Its odd - but I also would find it odd she is in a dilemma about it - she is not submissive to anyone unless she gives her power to someone else!

This is such an unusual request in this day and age I'd think they were either slightly odd, or were deliberately trying to create distance and coldness between them and your friend, possibly because they disapprove and don't want her 'getting too friendly' or think she should 'know her place'. How they treat her in general will be the best guide.

I wouldn’t see it at all as a power play if someone wanted me to call them Mr & Mrs X. It’s just polite to call them what they want, especially if they were, perhaps older parents than the norm for a 28 year old child
That said, there’s no reason why, as PP have suggested, that a good natured game can’t be made of it. I used to wind up all my parents’ friends deliberately by insisting on calling them Mr and Mrs Whatever no matter how much they begged me to call them by their first names. Now I’m in my fifties and they are all in their eighties it’s purely affectionate and there’s no hint of subservience on my part.

Call them what they want to be called. My parents - mum now in her mid 80s - were always Mr & Mrs and most of their friends were the same. It wasn’t about being better than anyone - I suppose it was cultural.
Its not a big ask to call someone what they want to be called. And it’s not a great start to a relationship to deliberately disrespect his parents- makes things very awkward for him also

They might not even be old! With a 28 year old child they could be 50.

Perfectly possible to call them nothing at all. But I certainly wouldn't use first names if they've asked for surnames.

It is a weird and extremely old fashioned request. Might be a sign of weirder things to come. But that said I think it would be an awkward start to say, no, I’m not calling you that. As others have said, beyond introductions, you’re unlikely to have to say their names often. I’d probably tell my other half that it seemed strange and unwelcoming to me but I’d adhere to their preferences for the initial introduction. You can then keep it under review. May be the thin end of the wedge or may just get dropped as you get to know each other. Can’t fathom it will be a lifetime of “Excuse me Mr FILsurname, can you please pass me the salt?”

I think if your friend is really struggling with the culture of her partner's family, then the relationship hasn't got legs. They are the people who brought up the guy she likes. They can't have done that bad a job.

I agree with this.

I mean, I am very happy for my dcs' friends, and their partners to call me by my first name, and as such, I tell them that, and introduce myself as that BUT, I would totally respect anyone's right to be called what they prefer to be called.

I am amazed that anyone would want to create an issue over this. You don't generally need to call your partner's parents anything - it just isn't a thing that is worth creating a problem over.
Why would your friend want to be so combative ?

It’s just a generational thing, respecting your elders.
I heard Ruth Langsford say recently that even after being married to Eamonn Holmes for years, she still calls his mum Mrs Holmes.

I suspect saying ‘in that case, please call me Miss Smith’ would go down very badly.

How rude and unfriendly of them. She could be their future daughter in law and mother of their grandchildren. If they want to go down this road, they risk alienating her. I imagine a future where her family are given priority and are adored by the grandchildren because her family are warm and welcoming. His side will be overly formal and visited out of duty.

What does the boyfriend think? Tempting to ask his parents to call her Miss Surname since formality is important to them

I’ve never really felt comfortable calling friends parents by their first names, but probably wouldn’t refer to them as Mr/Mrs Surname either, now I’m well into my adult years.

I think I tend to avoid using their names at all.

to me there are more equal ways of showing respect. Being polite, arriving on time etc. I think everyone should be respected not just elders.

Posted too soon!

However - if a partners parents insisted on Mr/Mrs Surname, I’d think they were absolute twats. Unsure if I’d insist on calling them their first names or avoiding addressing them by name. But it would certainly give me pause to consider what the future could be like with them in it, potentially as grandparents to my children.

Yeah, same. Especially if I were in my 20s, meaning the partners parents might be barely middle age.

I call people want they want to be called it doesn't need to be more complicated than that

I call people what they want to be called.

But if I was your friend I'd be keeping a close eye out for any signs of controlling behaviour and on how the DP responded to it. I would absolutely not make a commitment of any sort to a man whose family were a pain. (Been there, done that, bigger turn-off than bad breath)

Glad someone else thought of Perry 🤣

in that case my friend may as well ask to be called your highness

She should probably run now, they are the type that will expect her to call them Mum and Dad once married 😱

If she doesn't want to ditch him or call them Mr and Mrs Smith she could call them "Steve's Mummy" and "Steve's Daddy" repeatedly until everyone begs her to just for godsake please call them Janet and John.

Alternatively if she really likes the guy it is easy enough to never address them by name face to face.

In Germany this is so completely normal it seems weird that anyone is getting worked up about it.

To call them by their first names would be so rude and ill mannered. To insist on being called Miss XYZ would be rude and petty.

Yes it does. From certain cultures this would just be a totally comfortable norm, and the use of first names would feel very unsettling and actively disrespectful. Using surnames would suggest nothing more than a basic, natural respect/ norm.

If this is a white Uk, Australian, Canadian or British family then the same request would indicate something extreme/ strange in the power dynamic, therefore worth challenging.

Some other cultures are in between - when surnames in early meetings would be seen as respectful, then the permission to use first names or a term of endearment would be offered quickly.

My partner is Nigerian (I'm white). From the start he declared he was incapable of using my parents' first names and that his parents would turn over in their graves if he did. He called his own father Sir his whole life. He settled for using 'Sir firstname' for my dad and 'mama firstname' for my mum. My parents found it weird to start with, but everybody is used to it now.

I think if your friend's partner is from a similar culture where respect for elders is highly prized it would be good for her to be flexible, if she wants to show effort to integrate or even respect and adjust to cultural norms. At the same time, if the cultural requirements seem very rigid, and the parents live in the sand place as her partner, she may want to do some due diligence on whether there will be other expectations imposed that she won't be comfy with.

It wouldn’t bother me. I’d only think of them as weirdly traditional.

It’s not like she’ll need to say their names much.

They sound hard work in my opinion, and not the ‘type’ to embrace her as her she would like. I would personally encourage my DP to have a relationship with them that was independent of our own, as much as that is possible.

Where this is not possible she should absolutely not call them by their first name, it’s rude since they’ve asked to be address more formally and could cause friction for DP and his parents which I would argue is more important. She can however ask that they show her the same courtesy and address her as “Miss surname”!