What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

@CaptainAlatriste Your post screamed DV. I doubt many people who realised that judged you. Whilst he treated your dog appallingly, I think most people would be able to understand how DV grinds you down and the sheer terror you live with everyday of your life. It’s impossible to step in when the same and worse is being done to you. You freeze. My he rot for what he did to you.

Agree with this. I've just asked my DH what he'd do in this situation and he said he'd be worried and try to call me straight away. I think that's what normal caring partners do 🤷‍♀️

Op stop aligning yourself with people who are currently in loving stable relationships, you were at the time thinking of ending your relationship, the man had probably seen you had one foot out of the door, that doesn't happen overnight.

It's madness to equate this as a Eureka moment, when it's neither that bad or looking back it's something that confirmed he didn't love you. I think if I were to look back over a long marriage which I ended and that was the one of the things I found upsetting, then I would as most women think that would be pretty trivial.

Maybe he wasn't speaking to you at the time, should someone still be concerned when the other party has told them not to be concerned. Or did you want him to fight for your love when it was probably clear you were dumping him.

Many Eureka moments in marriage tend to be knowing that you're flogging a dead horse trying to show you care when the other person clearly has other options and motives.
What I will say is if this is your trial run for the excuse or smear campaign that led to the end of your marriage, I would say find a different angle if you want to peddle insults about him.
I noticed your earlier post about acusing posters being the family of your ex.

I can well understand your paranoia, I would find a different stick to beat him to avert attention from the real reason you left him.

I don't think you sound at all high maintenance OP. What's the point of being someone's emergency contact, next of kin, general person, if you don't give a crap. Your next husband will though :-)

Your next husband will though :-)

Hopefully.

Lets just hope op's not 20 minutes late for work again as this could result in divorce no 2 😂

High maintenancy

Two things.
Finding his semi-naked girlfriend in our sitting room one lunchtime.
Him saying that while I was living in his house I would do as I was told.
I should have left after the first one, but hey ho.

I should clarify that it was the comment about his house that did it. The girlfriend was only one of many unfortunate events that I glossed over but that remark caused me to pack my bag that same evening and walk out leaving everything else behind.

It reads afterwards like a bad Martina Cole novel and thirty years on I think "how stupid exactly was I??" but I did, and women still put up with it and our sons grow up watching it, and here we are.

@CaptainAlatriste Yes, it was a shocking read but more shocking for you having to endure that 😔You weren't stupid at all, you got out and that's the most important thing. I'll ask for my previous post to be deleted as my knee jerk reaction to the dog wasn't reasonable at all. Once again I'm so sorry

BS. Your lack of empathy and emotional intelligence is chilling.

She cooked them both dinner everyday for six years. When asked, he refused to return the favor & take on that responsibility for a single day in (or after) six years. That doesn’t strike you as a reasonable deal breaker?

For many people, sharing household chores (if both are employed) is viewed as a basic expectation, not a high maintenance demand.

Even if he’s a terrible cook, if affordable, he could’ve ordered takeout. And honestly, he couldn’t prepare anything? He couldn’t toss together a couple of salads, boil spaghetti, or make cold sandwiches?

To me, it’s high maintenance to expect someone else to cook your every meal, as he apparently did, & to refuse to return the favor once in six years.

It sounds as though it wasn’t about a single event, but about a general sense that she was unthought of, unheard, etc.

I wouldn’t assume that she knew he was like this prior to getting hitched. Lots of people put their best face foreword in the earlier stages of a relationship. People can change or reveal hidden parts of their nature after they get married or have been together for some time. People can even change, start taking you for granted, etc. well into a marriage after years have passed. Maybe he was more attentive, concerned, respectful, & helpful before they wed. Who knows? Maybe he even fixed her the occasional meal.

who made you the arbiter of what other people are allowed to feel are their 'eureka' moment of when their marriage is dead in the water?

Maybe…but the OP has steadfastedly avoided confirming or denying whether or not he was an arse before they got married. Most people don’t usually change that massively over the course of their lives or radically. A really nice man rarely turns in to a total shit. I mean her husband called her a dog on Facebook and she didn’t leave him. He sat like an ignoramus on his phone round at her parents and she didn’t leave him, I could go on. The thing is that so many women still crave the social status of being married that they will marry anyone, no matter how awful they clearly are.

I think a lot of people have very poor reading comprehension skills.

At no point did the Op say ‘come on tell me if my Eureka moment is good enough’. She just said ‘here’s my eureka moment, what was yours?’

Mine was when my ex-husband said “you should be doing all of the washing up because you’re homemaker”. Obviously in isolation that isn’t enough to leave somebody, but in the context of my marriage, it was my eureka moment.

Fully expecting people to pile on now, and say ‘oh, but I do all the washing up and I’m a homemaker, so…’

You know that thread in classics, ‘Thickos on TripAdvisor’, I feel like we need a ‘Thickos on Mumsnet’ thread!

Only on Mumsnet when you have the audacity to be worried that your partner never arrived at work you get the classic patronising response:

"Are you always this anxious, OP?"

I'm extremely worried about the lack of intelligence on this thread.

I see OP hasnt back to post and to be frank, I dont blame her.

Let me, say this on her behalf, and for everyone else on this thread who has had decency, compasison and empathy and I dont care if MN block / delete my account for this. FUCK OFF.

a) She wasnt aligning herself, she wasnt comparing or asking for ANYONES opinion.

b) It's MADNESS that you are criticing and so much to say about HER "moment". A "moment" or eureka moment can be trivia?? so what are you NOT understanding?!

c) What different angle?! The OP has since shared other things that happened, not that she had to, but stupid people like you made her feel bad!!

d) The real reason she left him?? Do you know OP?? Do you know details of their marriage?? Do you know the REAL reason?? If not, FUCK OFF. If you do, take it offline and have some decency.

It worries me that you are probably a grown women (or man??) and feel the need to criticise, belittle, and tell OP how her life choices are wrong. You are a GROWN ADULT!? I cant decide if you are a troll or just unhinged.

Froget about this soon to be ex being spectrummy (as quoted from another poster) I think you are spectrummy and should see the help you rightfully deserve. If you are not spectrummy and just plain nasty then yeah, my original comment of FUCK OFF still stands.

MN if you block me then shame on you. Shame on you for keeping this thread up and allowing trolls like this waste of space to belittle a poster for asking a simple question.

I dont want to be nasty and I am indeed no troll but I was reading all of these comments and felt rage at some of the posters.

Eyesrollingcentral being one and this moron "Blastmydogintospace" being another!

Also Blastmydogintospace

I actually cant decide if you are a troll.. I imagine you are probably working in an office somewhere acting all nicey nice... maybe you work in an office job... being all smiles making rounds of tea and coffee, laughing and joining in with office chat.... then turning into a complete twat behind a screen when time allows.

Aww peace and quiet from these two now.
Go find another thread to troll

The tune.. They see me trollin...
comes to mind,

I despise nasty comments on any platform. My mother taught me that if you have nothing nice to say, you should say nothing at all.
So I feel conflicted (but almost rebellious) as I have to agree with DreamingDaze. I wouldn't call someone horrible, unnecessary names online - I wouldn't waste my time, I would move on. I think it would be absolute hell if mumsnet block or delete your account for the above comments because you are completely right.
I would like to stand in solidary with the above poster and original poster (although I don't think she has swore) and say F off.

I also stand in solidarity with above posters.

I'll also keep changing my username to show how easy it is to be just be impolite and how ridiculous this is.

This thread is wild haha

I don't think your high maintenance op, not that you were asking that ;)
My moment was after we had done a big shop one day. He was telling me about something and I kept telling him to tell me later and to help me with the bags. He didnt, he stood and watched me carry all the bags in. Then got annoyed that I didnt listen to him. Oh I was 8 months pregnant too.

I came on to this thread hoping, indeed expecting, to read some anecdotes about people's 'last straw' moments. You know, like 'my DH burnt my sausages' type thing. And instead was this farce. Some posters are seriously lacking in intelligence. Op, I admire your patience for endlessly trying to clarify things for the hard-of-thinking!

My moment was after I broke my foot and was on crutches. 24 hours after breaking my foot. I was trying to cook dinner while my ex was watching tv with the kids and I slipped on crutches, banged my head and fell on the floor. He heard me go down - it was quite a thump and I dropped what I was trying to carry while using crutches!
He walked into the kitchen and looked at me on the floor and told me to get up - I asked for help - I couldn't weight bare on one foot and was very bruised after the car accident I had been in - he told me to stop being pathetic and walked away!

My kids who were approx 9 and 7 had to help me up.

@Moonshild I'm sure you are happier without him. What an absolute arse.