What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

What's wrong with you?

The OP didn't come on here to be interrogated. It's none of your business and she doesn't have to justify her decisions to you.

Really bizarre being asked to justify things or give more information... it was a moment.. meaning, there was a build up... meaning there was more...

This

I don't think you're being high maintenance, OP. If my partner's work rang to say he hadn't turned up I'd be concerned. Obviously I wouldn't be rounding up a search party after 20 minutes, but I would call or text DP to ask if he was okay. Doesn't require much effort.

There are a lot of <ahem> 'posters' invested in telling women to have low standards, to not expect much from men and then berating them if they dare to value themselves.
Perhaps MNers should return the favour and have a day trip to one of the incel forums. We could tell them where they are going wrong and why negging online or in RL is a shit relationship tactic.
It's laughable that 'caring whether you're alive or dead' is being deemed high maintenance. 😄

Exactly! It doesnt require much effort, a quick text saying "your work rang, is everything okay" would have sufficed. I wasnt expecting a search party, it's the fact that he got that call and then thought nothing more of it.

Op, all of your examples clearly show he's not bothered.

Have you told him you want to split?

What was his reaction? If any?

Absolutely nuts, isn't it?
I was expecting posters to tell me their eureka moments not be told that I was high maintenance.. simply because I expect, yes, EXPECT (jeez, the MN will go wild in a second) a partner to worry and reach out (whether thats a short text, phone call, whatever) if my work calls and says that I havent arrived. But what do I know, I'm high maintenance and mentally unbalanced I believe one poster called me :)

It's alarming the lack of empathy people have and it is even more alarming that these are real people who are, I assume, and expect to be adults. Being nasty to someone on a public forum for absolutely no reason is worrying behaviour. Instead of calling me names, everyone who has shared a nasty opinion

Yes, I have, he is my soon to be ex now. I say soon to be as we are currently going through the legal process.

He wasnt too happy about it but after no contact over Christmas and New Year, he agrees its for the best.

He wasn't too happy? It was a surprise to him?

I wasnt too happy ending it at first either - ending a relationship is sad, especially when you have been together for a long time. It wasn't a big surprise for him, he was just unhappy it was ending. I think emotions were running high because it was Christmas time also.

Thanks for being the punishment arbiter! Have a totally normal and sane day now!

I get it OP. And I get it was an accumulation of things. If it was an isolated incident on its own thats another thing. Practically speaking, your ex-husband sounds lazy and self-involved. Some people would be able to make it work, some wouldn't. Truthfully I think that incident would irritate me, yes.

OP, you are entitled to finish your marriage for whatever reasons are significant to you.

Why do the majority on this site assume that we ALL think the same, we all have similar lifestyles and we would all deal with life issues in a similar fashion?

It's truly bizarre that some posters on here are getting knicker-twisted because OPs bar is set at a different level. And the vitriol because of said fact.

Truly baffling as well as fkn irritating.

Punishment arbiter. Right.

Thanks for being the high handed labeller if we're playing that game!

Have a superior and adult day in which you don't expect anything from anyone and don't have to worry about anyone else yourself!

I think WinnieFoster has it spot on. There are people who scour these threads either because they're men who like to wind women up or because they like to show how much better they are than other women.

It's really a bit pathetic.

Well done for getting the wheels in motion OP. It sounds like you'll be much happier without your ex and hopefully will one day meet someone who deserves you!

I hate this mumsnet thing that some posters do ' Oh, you sound high maintenance' No, she doesn't. If I didn't turn up to work and they called my DH, he'd be very concerned. Also, some people have different thresholds of what they'll tolerate.

I will! Ps the creative writing class has really paid off

Has it? Thanks for the compliments. Amazed you're so thoughtful 😊

I like your username @Eyerollcentral

Leave him? I'd fucking strangle the bastard, not even joking.

Oh yes @DilemmaADay absolutely I stood by and watched him. I was terrified of him. He'd done similar things to me too - I won't go into any more detail. They weren't nice. Bearing in mind this is thirty years ago, before the internet and online support was a thing, he made fucking sure there was no one close enough to help me, even if anyone had believed me. I had nothing and no one, I had no money, I had nowhere to escape to. He knew all that.

When you are as beaten and terrified and hopeless as I was then, the idea of finally looking down at the man who's convinced you that he has the power of life and death over you because you are such a friendless, crazy, worthless piece of shit that you deserve everything he does, and finally thinking "I could actually kill you. I could do it, right now, and you couldn't stop me. And I CHOOSE not to, because you're not worth doing time for," was an absolute moment of power.

There is a very special place in hell for domestic abusers, and I hope he burns in it.

@CaptainAlatriste You didn't deserve anything that happened to you, and I'm pleased you managed to get away from that monster. I hope he has a thoroughly miserable life. I'm sorry for being harsh in my previous post.

Oh bless you @DilemmaADay thank you for that - I did not for one minute take offence, I was reflecting upstairs on what I'd said and thinking until I actually lived with the creature I wouldn't have thought anyone would put up with his schizzle either.
It reads afterwards like a bad Martina Cole novel and thirty years on I think "how stupid exactly was I??" but I did, and women still put up with it and our sons grow up watching it, and here we are.