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Original poster

What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

358 replies

MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 15:01

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

OP posts:
Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 21:26

Jeez, i don't know if I'll post again. These responses have given me the fear.. with the insults, inability to read and really pointless follow up questions (I.e. why did you marry him then?!)

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 10/01/2023 21:34

@MadScottishBurd I think everyone from the outset of this thread has been really clear that their responses were based on you saying that he was a great husband then this minor thing (to most of us) happened and that was it. Then you went on with multiple examples of him being a total dick throughout your relationship. Would you not say that was true?

Yeahrightthen · 10/01/2023 21:47

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/01/2023 19:58

He looked up at me and grinned.

He thought that I had spent my last tenner bought pasta, cheese, soup, bread, butter and bacon to feed all of us until my next pay cheque had come in. Not a huge amount of stuff, but enough for us and two children for several meals and, although I hadn't mentioned it at that point, I was about to say that I'd got an emergency tenner stashed so we could get the kids some more cereal as it looked as though they'd been extra hungry, seeing as the box was practically empty and over 3pts of milk had gone since I'd looked in the fridge the night before.

He was grinning at me through a thick film of grease and tomato soup over his face and hands, a dirty serving bowl that had clearly contained all the cereal and milk behind his feet & under the sofa. He had taken the entire 500g bag of pasta, boiled it to death and then added 350g of cheese (the remaining 100g had been bitten in half and left in the fridge with saliva and teethmarks on it), two tins of tomato soup, all of the bacon and seven slices of bread with a deep pool of butter over the bread and into the 'macaroni cheese' pasta thing he had filled a fruit bowl with. Literally every scrap of food I'd bought, he'd decided to eat in one slurping, fat filled slurry. And he thought I'd go 'Aww, aren't you funny and cute, eating a week's worth of breakfast, lunch and dinner for four people at once at 11.15am?'.

He wasn't horrific-looking per se, but at that moment, he looked like a fucking troll and I felt like I was about to vomit at the thought of that thing in my home.

Took longer to get rid of him because he had the clinging powers of a hookworm, never mind a leech, but in that one instant, I went from rolling my eyes at him being a knob to pure, unadulterated, revulsion.

🤣🤣🤣

Sorry but this is brilliant! Your writing style is making me envisage this perfectly!

Nacknick · 10/01/2023 21:47

HyggeTygge · 10/01/2023 19:40

Because she didn't know at that point that they had called him.

Jesus Christ, it is like pulling teeth.

Show quote history

Yes she did - they told her when she got to work?

HyggeTygge · 10/01/2023 21:50

Nacknick · 10/01/2023 21:47

Yes she did - they told her when she got to work?

Show quote history

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on,

Yeahrightthen · 10/01/2023 21:52

LexMitior · 10/01/2023 20:35

You know, men are often contemptuous of women who see them their worst or weakest. They cannot handle it and start again to maintain their egos.

This is SO true.

Nacknick · 10/01/2023 21:53

HyggeTygge · 10/01/2023 21:50

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on,

Show quote history

Exactly. So according to the OPs narrative he should have been worrying about her all that time. So why wouldn’t you call or text at that point to stop him worrying?

HyggeTygge · 10/01/2023 21:57

Sorry, I don't understand.

Getting to work, having a meeting, and being told 'later on' is not 'being told when you get to work'. Unless my English is wrong here?

ShowsLikeThese · 10/01/2023 22:15

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 10/01/2023 17:35

I don’t think the OP was asking for opinions on her own “moment”, the final straw can be anything, however trivial it appears to others.

For me, I struggled for a long time, knowing that I wasn’t a priority for him. But when he had a vasectomy, with no agreement from me, knowing how much I wanted another baby made it crystal clear to me how little he valued me. I still stayed for years, but the moment I truly knew it was over was when we were having sex and I saw his face in the mirror. Five years on, it still haunts me.

I've got to know... what did you sed in his sex face that made it the point of no return

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 10/01/2023 22:26

Eyerollcentral · 10/01/2023 19:07

That if everyone died belonging to you, that’s the odd extreme.
Panic from the OP’s office, though let’s face it, they weren’t worried that she was stuck in a snow drift with life slowly ebbing away, they were pissed off because they’d a client sitting waiting for twenty minutes. Panicky ringing the wrong number I.e. the emergency contact - though in fairness they did say sorry rang you by accident, this confirming there was nothing for him to worry about.
As I say I wouldn’t end a marriage over it but the OP’s husband sounds awful so I wouldn’t have married him in the first place. As the saying goes ‘what do you expect from a pig but a grunt’

Show quote history

That was a response to what YOU said about how people are apparently not independent adults if they like their partner to check up on them under unusual circumstances!

Jesus you're hard work.

Eyerollcentral · 10/01/2023 22:31

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 10/01/2023 22:26

That was a response to what YOU said about how people are apparently not independent adults if they like their partner to check up on them under unusual circumstances!

Jesus you're hard work.

Show quote history

I’m really, really not. I’m just not someone who wants to be in constant contact with my partner. I also don’t fly in to a flap about everything. I wouldn’t have been worried if I was the husband or the wife in this situation. What do people think happened before mobiles? It wasn’t that long ago. Most people didn’t speak to each other from they left the house in the morning until they came home in the evening. Guess what? They weren’t all unfeeling brutes!

Leakingtoilet · 10/01/2023 22:34

If my DP received a call from my work to say I hadn't arrived he would absolutely contact me to check I was ok, and vice versa. It's a standard part of caring about someone imo.

Mine was when me ex ruined a day out with the kids being in such a foul mood as he couldn't get stoned. The first thing he did when we got home was roll a joint and was then happy again.

That was my 'I am done' moment.

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 22:39

But it's not about being in constant contact. The weather was terrible. My work had contacted him and said I hadn't turned up. The bare, absolute bare minimum, is to send a quick text asking if someone is okay.

What's phones not being around got to do with anything 🤣 the only person mentioning constant contact is you!

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 10/01/2023 22:43

@MadScottishBurd I was responding to someone else but you with those comments. I’ve been accused of being all sorts as you can see. That was in response to their comments.
I don’t get why you chose to respond to a reply to someone else and not my earlier post to you but I’ll leave it at that!

mycatsanutter · 10/01/2023 22:45

My eureka moment was at his sisters wedding , we were there with our dc - 7 and 3 and I was 8 months pregnant . He got so so drunk he walked past me sitting with the dc doing colouring trying to keep them amused and he totally ignored me.

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 22:47

Eyerollcentral · 10/01/2023 22:43

@MadScottishBurd I was responding to someone else but you with those comments. I’ve been accused of being all sorts as you can see. That was in response to their comments.
I don’t get why you chose to respond to a reply to someone else and not my earlier post to you but I’ll leave it at that!

There have been too many responses and now I'm following on my phone. Apologies if you have asked me a direct question.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 10/01/2023 22:52

@MadScottishBurd - ignore the posters who just don't get it.

For so many years you keep telling yourself you're DH is lovely and supportive because that's the image that they give to the world and what they keep telling you and you once believed it and you keep telling yourself it's true because to not believe it would be horrible.

There are, however, so many instances where they aren't lovely and supporting but they don't penetrate the false facade of loveliness. Then suddenly one teeny, tiny, inconsequential action (or lack of action) makes you suddenly see them in a different light. All of a sudden you can't pretend anymore that they are great.

And then that's it, the facade is gone. All you can see is the horrible person they really are and once seen you can't I see it.

Dontevenstart · 10/01/2023 22:52

Christ almighty - how many here who don’t understand that it does not fucking matter what the exact circumstances of said eureka moment are - the point is that it’s the fulcrum of everything that’s built up.

Eyerollcentral · 10/01/2023 22:53

No worries, just said it was clear most people went off your first post which said your husband was great, so your response seemed disproportionate and then you did a 180 and showed him to be an ignoramus. Thinks that’s what’s confused a lot of people

Blastmydogintospace · 10/01/2023 23:13

They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband.

The context is everything with this, he was soon to be your ex, sounds like he was grey rocking you to protect himself.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie.

The word loyal jumps out at me, not often stated when a divorce is imminent, were you loyal op ?

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a
great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

Why was he not in a great place op, was it because he knew he was being discarded. I'm sorry it sounds to me this wasn't your Eureka moment it was your excuse moment, but it was hardly surprising if you were in the midst of leaving him.
Completely different context but yes it could be construed as hurtful if you're in a mutually loving relationship but not when there is discord and lack of care involved.

Was his lack of care worse than your lack of care, we don't know but you sound happy about the end result.

It just sounds to me you are re writing, making excuses and pinning a lot of reason on probably the wrong thing. Maybe you just didn't fancy him enough (you laughing at a previous post about someone getting the ick made you laugh) maybe you fancy someone else more and that is a more real reason or explanation of why you dislike this good, hardworking, loyal man.

Then again I might just be uncaring and an idiot.

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 23:26

Blastmydogintospace · 10/01/2023 23:13

They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband.

The context is everything with this, he was soon to be your ex, sounds like he was grey rocking you to protect himself.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie.

The word loyal jumps out at me, not often stated when a divorce is imminent, were you loyal op ?

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a
great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

Why was he not in a great place op, was it because he knew he was being discarded. I'm sorry it sounds to me this wasn't your Eureka moment it was your excuse moment, but it was hardly surprising if you were in the midst of leaving him.
Completely different context but yes it could be construed as hurtful if you're in a mutually loving relationship but not when there is discord and lack of care involved.

Was his lack of care worse than your lack of care, we don't know but you sound happy about the end result.

It just sounds to me you are re writing, making excuses and pinning a lot of reason on probably the wrong thing. Maybe you just didn't fancy him enough (you laughing at a previous post about someone getting the ick made you laugh) maybe you fancy someone else more and that is a more real reason or explanation of why you dislike this good, hardworking, loyal man.

Then again I might just be uncaring and an idiot.

We weren't in the midst of breaking up when this happened. Things weren't perfect but I hadn't instigated a split or told him how unhappy I was.

I'm not sure how many more times this must be repeated... this wasn't the reason we ended. This was MY eureka moment. There had been lots of little things before this but this moment stood out and things made sense to me.

You're post is full of lots of assumptions.

OP posts:
Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 10/01/2023 23:29

This thread is so odd! If I got a call saying my partner hadn’t made it into work, I’d immediately call them to check they were ok!

Spending a whole day, not just the “not knowing” but not even trying to get in touch… that’s baffling.

Ok it’s a “small” incident but it is SO basic. OP I would do the same really. If a partner can’t care enough to confirm you’re alive, what is the point. Think they’ll care for your happiness or health? Nope!

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 23:30

Blastmydogintospace · 10/01/2023 23:13

They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband.

The context is everything with this, he was soon to be your ex, sounds like he was grey rocking you to protect himself.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie.

The word loyal jumps out at me, not often stated when a divorce is imminent, were you loyal op ?

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a
great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

Why was he not in a great place op, was it because he knew he was being discarded. I'm sorry it sounds to me this wasn't your Eureka moment it was your excuse moment, but it was hardly surprising if you were in the midst of leaving him.
Completely different context but yes it could be construed as hurtful if you're in a mutually loving relationship but not when there is discord and lack of care involved.

Was his lack of care worse than your lack of care, we don't know but you sound happy about the end result.

It just sounds to me you are re writing, making excuses and pinning a lot of reason on probably the wrong thing. Maybe you just didn't fancy him enough (you laughing at a previous post about someone getting the ick made you laugh) maybe you fancy someone else more and that is a more real reason or explanation of why you dislike this good, hardworking, loyal man.

Then again I might just be uncaring and an idiot.

And yeah I did find the post about the ick funny. It was a very funny, descriptive post... in my head I pictured the scene and found it hilarious! That poster should be a writer as it was written hilariously. Shoot me 🤷‍♀️

What's that to do with my post?!

You're a funny lot tonight 💁‍♀️

OP posts:
Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 10/01/2023 23:31

Omg what is wrong with so many posters being so mean to the OP?! She said what was your eureka moment, not the sole cause of the breakup! Jeez what is happening today on this thread

Original poster
MadScottishBurd · 10/01/2023 23:32

Backstreetsbackalrightdadada · 10/01/2023 23:29

This thread is so odd! If I got a call saying my partner hadn’t made it into work, I’d immediately call them to check they were ok!

Spending a whole day, not just the “not knowing” but not even trying to get in touch… that’s baffling.

Ok it’s a “small” incident but it is SO basic. OP I would do the same really. If a partner can’t care enough to confirm you’re alive, what is the point. Think they’ll care for your happiness or health? Nope!

This thread is really odd!!
It's so divided over what I think is something so basic!

OP posts: