What was your "this is over" moment in your marriage

[MadScottishBurd]

Just what the title says, really.

He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more.

During the really bad weather before Christmas - snow, sleat, wind, heavy rain.. I had a meeting at 9am at my work. I was 20 minutes late for work (not a huge amount of time but still!). My work didnt know where I was and tried calling me to see if I was alright, as the person I was meeting with was waiting for me to arrive. They accidentally phoned my emergency contact who is my (soon to be ex) husband. They had told him that it was a mistake calling him as they were trying to call me as I hadnt turned up for work.

I then arrived, started my meeting asap, and was told about this call to my husband later on, which I totally forgot about until I went home that evening.

When I was home, and after we had our dinner and was watching TV, it popped in my head.. I asked "my work said they called you today, why havent you said anything"
him: "oh, I forgot about that, something about you didnt turn up"
me: "yeah, but why didn't you try contacting me to make sure I was alright, I could have been in an accident"
him "I was busy at work, they were going to contact you"
me "I know, but werent you concerned? What if I had been in an accident, wouldnt you feel guilty??"
him: "I'm sure the police would have contacted me, had you been in an accident".

I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit.

What was your eureka moment?

x

People can't read.
And because I said positive things about my husband at the start... People have been getting into a state of confusion!

*We weren't in the midst of breaking up when this happened. Things
weren't perfect but I hadn't instigated a split or told him how unhappy I
was. *

You said soon to be ex, which yes this moment could have then been your Eureka moment, I just don't think it's particularly hurtful, especially as you wern't getting on.

Lack of care is very hurtful, very hurtful from someone who you thought were going to be sharing your life together forever, you clearly had other ideas.
Maybe he had detatched because he knew you were going to end it.

To get the thread back on track - NOT judge OP - my last breakup, the eureka moment was when after our second anniversary I realised he’d never scheduled a date. Had asked him to, he never did.

So I raised it and he was cagey but he booked tickets to the nearest classical music recital near his work (very nice!). He was very proud of this, but not in an endearing way… like a “yes, I did it, you owe me way”. It was so weird! He even went on about quite how expensive the tickets were and how I should therefore pay for a (sounded like) very extravagant meal after. It was midweek but I managed to get out of work on time (7pm) for it, knowing that I’d have to work the weekend to catch up.

Then… just before the show, he was late to the event. I received the email from his secretary confirming the tickets (poor her, out of her working hours), and the chain showed she’d planned it, with no input from him, and he’d been rude to her in the emails and sounded uninterested in thinking of anything I would enjoy. He then turned up 30 mins late part way through the recital. (FYI we both had demanding jobs, except my hours were very long and his hours were 9-5 with free weekends) Also fyi… the tickets were 35 quid each and the meal he wanted me to pay for would have been several hundred.

I’ve never felt so free, sitting alone listening to incredible music. And decided I wanted to do more of that, but without him.

He joined late, was an arse disrupting everyone to get to his seat, was pretentious AF reading and re-reading the recital blurb, made me buy the drinks mid way through.

When I went to get his stupid drink, I emailed the restaurant to move the date of our meal. I broke up with him the next day, and took my best friend out instead.

The bad date was just ONE event but so indicative of fundamental problems. That was my eureka moment :)

Yes, my soon to be ex husband NOW as we are seperating and going through the legal process!! He wasn't my ex then, we didn't have the separation chat then either. JESUS CHRIST. Some posters on this would start a fight in an empty room.

Exactly for a relationship to break down so much as for one person not to care if they feel something bad may have occurred to the other usually means a detatchment has already been made.

It's almost as if the op wants reassurance that this is not ok.
You're right op it not ok for two people who love one another but I've found the person who usually detatches is the one not caring what others think precisely because they have been hurt so much.

Only people who are wanting to appear the 'good guy' still play the game, and the appearance of caring is one of them.

He was past that.
Sounds like he's been hurt.

*I dont think I have ever forgiven him for that comment. He wasnt in a
great place at the time however he did not care, not one little bit. *

Why wasn't he in a great place ?

Refuses to get a haircut or beard trim for my mams funeral and has now fucked off back to his parents despite my dad being seriously ill in hospital. Leaving me home with 2 young children wondering who on earth is going to leave them next.. 🤬🤬🤬🤬

I can't see how I can get back from this.

He got promoted a few months before and was finding the job stressful and would often bring work home with him.

I don't understand why I am having to justify everything in my post 🥺 this was my eureka moment.

I only asked what everyone elses eureka moment was. I only commented how I disagreed with opinions when they were getting nasty or calling me high maintenance.

I didn't ask for opinions. I don't need people to tell me I was in the right and it wasn't okay because I know how I felt in the moment, my feelings are valid and I know my worth.

Actually baffled by these comments. I don't understand why I'm sitting here justify, explaining and providing more context. That was my moment, not anyone else's, deal with it. Don't agree? Think I'm nasty and think my feelings aren't valid? Move on and have a cuppa.

Shouldn't have gotten married if that's all it takes to motivate a separation

Omg, that's enough mumsnet for me tonight. BabyonBoard90... I'm speechless.

Once contempt has arisen in a relationship then a whole host of bitter and resentful behaviour can occur.

A lack of care about the other persons welfare is usually the last straw within any relationship, but lack of care could be a result of maltreatment or from neglect, which one was it, was he neglectful of you, or had he been maltreated by you.

Was he always so unconcerned about your welfare or had it arisen from the problems between you at that time. I mean you sound shocked as though he had never been so uncaring before. Was this behaviour normal for him or was it a reactive uncaring side that came out in him because of the breakdown of your marriage.

Context is everything.

This is it. He didn't actually know you were 20 minutes late. All those saying 20 minutes is no big deal and it is smothering for partners to check up should read the op again. All he knew was you hadn't got to work and work had phoned him to tell him. He didn't know you were OK until you got home. Literally all day without giving a thought to that fact it had not been confirmed you were safe. Justifying this by saying the police would have been in touch if you were dead or injured. He could not take 20 seconds of his day to text and ask if you were OK.
Definitely a moment of clarity.

I don't need to provide context because I am not looking for opinions. I simply stated what had happened and asked others to share their eureka moments. Have you got one?? If not, have you really got nothing else better?!

Have you read any of the thread or just being a deliberate idiot

The moment that I physically felt myself cowering under him when he cornered me in the kitchen and was lecturing me about a smear I left on the fork I’d washed and put away

I've never read so many trolls on the one thread. It's not high maintenance to expect your DP to check in if they've been told you haven't arrived at work. It's the bare minimum.

Yawn

Just saying that if this was your motivation or last straw moment in realising he didn't care for you then I don't think it's strong enough to instigate a divorce. There is room for misunderstanding.

Yes women should not put up with low bar behaviour, your op suggests he's not too bad on the behaviour front so what I'm suggesting is this behaviour seemed out of the norm.

A previously caring man who has turned in some way, for some reason.

Of course posters are going to say the least you can expect from a loving reationship is care and concern but they were not, and are not in the holding possition of deciding to end their relationship or not.

It's a huge difference.

I mean how is he now, is he happy, are you happy, who is the one who has gone on to recover best. Did he want the marriage to end or was it you ?

*He is a good man, hardworking, loyal, so I, in no way want to paint him
to be the baddie. However, I cant stop tinking about something he said
to me, and at that moment, I knew it was it, that I wanted more. *

Did you get more ?

I think you mean well but I don't want to provide any information on how we are both doing now. Not being awkward but I don't wish to share that when it has no relevance to my post, or what I was asking. Even if I did answer your questions, who will that information benefit?

It wasn't my motivation for divorce. It was a moment, my eureka moment. It helped me see / think more clearly about past behaviours and as I said, I know my worth.

I am going to bed now. This thread has been an experience!

I still care about him, being together for so long doesn't mean I can switch off all of my feelings. I don't see him as a horrible, nasty person, we simply drifted apart.

One of your previous posts alluded to there being someone else (did you fancy some else or something along those lines). Well, we are in the very early stages of separation so no, I haven't got more if you mean with someone else.

It’s so weird to see an OP ask a simple question and get roasted for her life choices. I’d not want to be with a man who didn’t care ALL DAY whether I was alive or dead and hadn’t bothered to enquire about it. JEEZ.

To the posters who think being loyal but uncaring is good enough, that’s such a low bar you couldn’t trip over it.

This is literally the very definition of a hairyhanded trouble maker.

What do you require empathy over? The OP was talking about her marriage ending and all you've done is dismiss her, criticise her in a very high handed way and fail to even try and understand her position.

Empathy would be understanding the whole thread that it's quite obvious there's more to the story. Enough people were able to read between the lines. You've repeatedly posted to underline your lack of understanding and tried to appear above it all.

I wouldn't have posted anything you deem to be personally insulting if you didn't deserve it. People come on here to vent and share stories and receive some understanding. They don't come on here to be told they should have done better or known more by high handed people like you.