DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

This is his inner sexist/ misogynist coming out.

Babies is woman's work innit? His man-job is too important, unlike yours cos you are a woman and womaning is more important than a career for you, cos of your vulva or hormones or something.

Hold on to dear life to your financial independence with a man like this. You may need it.

Did u laugh when said you weren't listening to his instructions?

Can i ask how he is usually is about the fact you earn the same?

I get the impression hes never really been happy about this and this is his opportunity to get you to accept a lesser role?

It seems rather odd he'd want you to stand down for literally no other reason than you'd get less pay/not in a senior role? You'd be working exactly the same hours

Preach.

He sounds like a right knobber with his instructions.

says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions”

What??????? Did your husband just "instruct" you to take a pay cut?

You could instruct him right back that HE needs to spend more time with his child. See how he feels about that.

So he's realised he'll be expected his share of baby 'sick' days and holidays and appointment days and doesn't want to. If he can get you to take a 'lesser' job than his, he'll then use your 'lesser' job to hit you over the head with everytime someone needs to stay home with the DC for whatever reason by claiming it wouldn't make sense for him to jeoparise his job.

Tell him that's not how life works, he's half responsible for the DC you agreed to bring into the world together, and he'll be doing his share. which is half.

Otherwise, you'll be looking to instruct a divorce solicitor since he's so keen on 'instructions.

"No he’s not usually this controlling."
'This' implies he has been controlling in the past, just not to quite this degree.

Which suggests (to me) that now the baby is here there has been a shift in his thinking and you are no longer an independent adult in his eyes (assuming you ever were) but are now designated 'mother', a support human who must follow the"instructions" of the sole remaining independent adult of the household - himself.

Have a care. There are plenty of example of men who are lovely until the relationship reaches the milestones of marriage, pregnancy, or birth; at which point they assume the woman is 'trapped' and the mask comes off, revealing the abusive misogynist beneath. I don't know if your husband is such a man, but following his "instructions" reduces your ability to be financially independent and increases your reliance on him. I'd be wary of that.

Keep your job.

I think the way it has washed out, you have a choice here. Keep your income and your self respect, or curb your income and follow instructions like a subordinate in your own home.

OP, you are a fully grown woman. Nobody gets to give you instructions in your own home. He may be at management level at work, but take heed - if you allow him to become your manager at home and you have a lesser income, it will not go well for you.

If you stay with him, you need to be clear. You are not his subordinate, you do not take instructions and you are not damaging your career for his convenience.

If your in management or a more senior role you can delegate work. You maybe able to work from home the odd day -so you could pick a child up from school but get work done later in the evening. You could have more days holidays a year than in a junior role.

Because your on maternity leave you probably have been doing all the house work, cooking ect and he likes the fact that he can sit back.
The reality is that once your baby is born he will have to step up. You will both pay towards childcare, you decide together who's doing the drop off and pick ups and who doing what of the wife work. This will change depending on what your both doing work wise that week but make sure that it not all left to you.

With both earning I would consider spending a bit of money on say a nice take away once a week, say prepared m &s meals or do batch cooking and have dinners ready in the freezer.
Use a slow cooker so you have a dinner ready when you get in. Perhaps getting a cleaner for a few hours a week like one couple I knew did to do a decent house clean and a load of ironing could be money well spent.

If you stay working in your current job your earning good money, paying towards a pension and in time you maybe able to change or get a better job. Also in the current climate if either of you lost your job you not left trying to live on the dole with a dependent and child.

I know woman who stayed in senior work roles after they had kids. Ok it was not always easy but long term it was a good idea.
One lady managed to rise up the ranks and now has a great work from home role with some travel. Her last child is in university and her other kids have degrees and good jobs. I think she will be in a position to retire in her early 60's with a great pension also.
Another lady I knew went PT in a senior role after having 2 kids. She got a full time term only job a few years later with a great organisation. She was in a position to be able take time off on occasion when she was dealing with a family member not being well.
Her kids are in university/secondary school and the family have a nice house, car ect. She will also have a good pension at retirement.

In your case I would tell your husband that you have no intention of changing to a lower job role and that he will have to pull his weight when the baby arrives. Make sure you tell his mother and siblings what he said along with your own parents and siblings.

Let them tell him a few home truths.
If one of my brothers said this to his wife I tell him to grow up and that he is equally responsible for this child.

I know woman who like been sahm. I know other woman who despite wanting and loving their kids were happy to have jobs. As the say a happy wife a happy life.

Well said, Steph!

He might as well be a sperm donor, if that's his attitude. I was more than happy to take mine for days out, take her to nursery and school and generally spend time with her, so that her mother could have a rest.

I work away for weeks at a time, so when I'm home, I'm free; I realise not everyone is like that. Why wouldn't he want to spend time with his child? I wanted one (well, more...) and see that she's my responsibility. I don't understand why so many men don't.

If you have kids, some of your activities get curtailed, it's part of being a parent. The first one I noticed was that I stopped buying a paper! He needs to reassess his bloody priorities and understand his responsibilities.

Also agree with this. There is a risk he will throw being the "main"/"big" earner at you. Definitely retain financial independence.

Yes, don't rely on him. You'll regret it especially in the case of divorce.

Has OP been back?

😱😱 wtf have I just read? LTB LTB LTB LTB

I’ve been trying to read the whole thread today but I’ve had no time as there’s so many replies. I’ve read most of it though.

Yes, DH actually used the word “instructions”.

DH doesn’t work in the same company as me or even the same sector but he’s at similar seniority.

I’m not a head of department in education. I’m a head of global public relations in the travel industry. Sorry if that wasn’t clear when I just said I’m a head of department, I didn’t mean it to sound like I work in education because I don’t. DH is a head of operations in a factory (well he’s in charge of 2 sites).

I’m not going to step down like DH said, this job is all I’ve ever wanted and after thinking about it today he doesn’t get to take that away from me and I’ve told him so. I’ve actually missed being away from work to be honest.

I’ve asked DH again why he can’t step down from his role instead of me since it was his idea and he just said “I’ll consider it but no promises” and then walked off. I’ve been clear with him though that I’m not giving up my job.

My job does sometimes involve travel, i love travelling to be honest. Most of it I can probably delegate to my team but in the travel industry there’s naturally going to be some travel that I need to do in a role like mine. I’ll delegate as much as possible even though I’d rather travel. And, for the travel I have to do I plan to make it work with childcare and even a nanny if I really have to. DH is poking holes in this plan though.

For day to day childcare while I’m at work I have a childminder lined up but once again DH is poking holes in this plan as well.

I’ve been clear I’m not giving out with my job so I’m hoping he comes round eventually and works with me to make this work for both of us and of course DD.

I should have added that I would consider going part-time but I don’t think it’s necessary as I have childcare lined up so I can stay in my role full time even though DH is doing his best to try and poke holes in this plan.

I hope you read him to fucking riot act for him giving you 'instructions'! I could not move past that until he meaningfully apologised to me and promised he would never, ever, ever address me like that again.

*the "fucking riot act"

not 'to'.

He’s still not apologised even though I made it clear to him how angry I was. He said “it was a good idea and I stand by it” when I asked him why he thought he could dictate my job.

"Please explain to me why less pay, less control and the same amount of hours is a good idea?"

I asked him something similar to that and he just kept avoiding the question and wouldn’t answer it properly.

And who is the higher earner out of interest?

Me but not by much. We both earn similar but my salary is slightly higher.

Let's face it @Crocodilefortheday you have an impressive sounding job and although you say he runs 2 factory sites, that's really not on the same level.

He probably would rather you didn't have such a job, where you are clearly intellectually and socioeconomically on a different rung. He'd rather be top dog in the relationship for the sake of his ego.

I'd keep asking. Politely, not shouting, but I'd keep asking because this is the crux of the matter. WHY does he believe he can 'instruct' you to put yourself in a lesser position in life than him?

I tell you why@Crocodilefortheday, it’s because if you have the lesser job, then you get to be responsible for all the drop offs and pick ups and leaving work if they’re ill. Because your job is less important. That’s why he wants you to change.

What do you mean ‘he pokes holes’ at the childminding plan? Where does he think your child is going to go? Or is he going to refuse to be involved in the childcare because it was your idea?

He sounds like a knob, if I’m honest.