DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

It's really sad, why did he not say at some point before you got pregnant that he wouldn't support you working? What was his parents relationship like?

It sounds like he wants to swan around being the man and doing what he wants whilst you are the little wife and mother facilitating his career.

If he 'won't look after dd whilst you travel'
I'd be seriously reevaluating the relationship.

I presume he was present at the conception of the child and no one was forced into it. If that's the case he should be 100% involved and responsible for HIS dd.

He’ll only engage constructively if he wants to, you can’t get him to do it and you shouldn’t have to.

I thought you'd say that @Crocodilefortheday

Unfortunately, this man is showing you his true colours. He is not, and has no intention, of being an equal partner or parent in this relationship.

Oh, and if you need a nanny to allow you to travel with your job then you both pay for a nanny. Actually, in your situation, a nanny sounds like it would be the best childcare solution for you.

I'm sorry to read all of this.

He has clocked on to the fact he will have to step up and do more once your mat leave ends and he really isn’t keen is he? Been there done that and have an ex-DH…. Who has our daughter every other weekend, never when she is ill and had to be dragged through the CMS enforcement process.

You got your job because you have great skills. The financial independence it brings is priceless. Don’t listen to his bleating.

He’s telling you to take instructions as though you are his skivvy. That isn’t loving behaviour.

please find yourself a shit hot lawyer - and also have a plan b (flexi working? Keep some annual leave in reserve) for when your daughter is poorly as they all get sick sometimes and it sounds like you really can’t rely on him at all, sadly.

He's trying to box you into a corner so you have less confidence and your options are more limited when he starts to opt out of childcare/chores.

Exactly - it seems he has realised things will change when you go back to.work and is panicking. He is trying to force you in to the role of the default parent.

However I don't understand his logic that staying full time but in a less senior role will help with childcare, presumably you will still have the same hours, just less pay and responsibility.

At my workplace, women up to senior director roles have children and manage to balance full time work with the needs of their children. Shock horror, plenty of male senior staff also work flexible hours in order to manage their child care responsibilities.

So he wants you to rake the less senior role because it would.mean less travel? He v v much does not want to.have to deal.with the baby does he.

Weirdly in a senior role you may have more flexibility that in a more junior role. Industry and role dependant etc but as a SM I have far more autonomy on my time than the role below me.

I think he wants you to drop down so he, as the main earner can use that to do less in regards to childcare, housework etc.

While you're on an equal footing it's harder for him to challenge an equal split of the above.

Please don’t give up on your work travel either - I can just see a future thread from you on here about DH refusing to look after DC when you need to travel.

You are absolutely at a crossroads OP.

This is the point where where women look back with bitter bitter regret.

They were shown EXACTLY who there partner is but couldn't face it.

The capitulate, give up work or go part time, and severely reduce their seniority and become sole parent within the relationship.

They massively lose out financially and become the disrespected, bullied skivvy who their partner treats like shit.

He is already coercively trying to control you.

He is chilling in his honesty.

Be very wary of him.

He is not a good man and he most certainly does not love you or your child.

Good loving men don't behave like this.

He's the sort who will want another child quickly, to mess up YOUR life.

Please don’t step back at work. Apart from everything else it can actually be a bit easier when you are more senior if you can make to call to, say, leave to collect a sick child and make the time up again. But independence is the most important thing here

Yep. Ignore him and his instructions.

Make sure that childcare and especially "unusual events" (missing work because child is sick, it always being you to rush to nursery if DC is sick etc) doesn't exclusively fall back on you.

Less senior role = less money.

Less money will make it harder to justify child care costs. the partner earning less is usually also the one that it will reduce horus if necessary. Or miss work if a child gets sick etc.

That is at least the reason that immediately came to my mind.

Is that usual? He’s avoiding you.

This is bordering on domestic abuse. Which often starts at pregnancy.

Is he controlling in other ways?

'Instructions' is such an enormous red flag I hope you're ok.

I don’t think he will actually step down though, I think he’s trying to make me angry, then he can try and claim I’m “stressed” and then try and use that as another reason to get me to step down.

He sounds manipulative and potentially abusive. Abuse often gets worse during and after birth.

Sounds like he would also use pnd, a difficult birth etc as a reason to impose his will. Instead of supporting you...

Just want to add a message of support - sounds like you are handling this brilliantly and won’t let him get away with his ridiculous opinions.

maybe there is a way forward if he has the self awareness to realise that this request is coming from a place of inbuilt sexism and a world view from the 1950s. Good luck!

no he's not usually this controlling

@Crocodilefortheday

That is normal. Pregnancy and birth make women particularly vulnerable to controlling men for whom it's the perfect opportunity.

If this can't be resolved equably with a genuine change in his mindset then you will spend years being the default parent for everything, either absolutely or by creep as promises are broken and you are just worn down.

Many women find single parenthood easier than living with someone actively undermining them.

“consider it but no promises”
Sounds like he's trying to look the more reasonable person by pretending that he'd actually do it, in contrast to you outright refusing. This is how my ex did it, at least. He never actually did any of the things he considered, of course.

maybe there is a way forward if he has the self awareness to realise that this request is coming from a place of inbuilt sexism and a world view from the 1950s.
The problem is often that it's simply coming from a place of innate selfishness. Such people may even embrace the idea that they are old-fashioned as it's better than admitting it's actually selfishness.

You seem really strong and switched on.

Just to say to be very vigilant on birth control and be highly suspicious if he says he wants another baby.... it's a lot harder to juggle with two and that is the point where lots of people who don't have supportive spouses give in. Please don't let your husband do this to you.

He sounds fucking awful. I'm sorry, OP. So often it's not evident how shit a husband is until there's a baby.

You sound really strong, though.

For day to day childcare while I’m at work I have a childminder lined up but once again DH is poking holes in this plan as well.

Why does finding the childminder need to be YOUR responsibility? It is quite clear he views the childcare as your sole domain, and your career as secondary to his. He needs to buck up his ideas of gtfo.

How ridiculous!! He can step back if that's the case.

Regardless of who earns what etc etc it should be equally shared when kids are sick etc. My dh earns 100k and i earn 30k both working FT. We share kid sick days and pick up and drop offs to nursery between us as our jobs are important to both of us. Just because I earn less doesn't mean that makes me the default carer.

You are both on similar incomes so even more reason childcare issues should be equal!!