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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

301 replies

Crocodilefortheday · 10/01/2023 09:27

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

OP posts:
Wombats67 · 10/01/2023 13:56

Ha, it's not even internalised misogyny, it's blatant.

Does he want you doing all the DC work?

Ameanstreakamilewide · 10/01/2023 14:02

Crocodilefortheday · 10/01/2023 09:27

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

Fuck him, the saucy bastard. 🤨

Hold your ground, OP.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/01/2023 14:09

YANBU

Instructions. Lol.

ShrillBill · 10/01/2023 14:11

Don't do it op; and think twice before having any more children with him.

This is a bad time for him to start being controlling. He's making himself look like the kind of abuser who waits til you are pregnant or a new Mum before revealing their true nature.

emptythelitterbox · 10/01/2023 14:15

Just flat out refuse and don't let him wear you down.

Since you've been on MT has the lion's share of everything household and child related gone to you?

We all know why he's doing this.

Cruisebabe1 · 10/01/2023 14:15

thunderstruckk · 10/01/2023 09:28

"Instructions" 😂

Tell him the only thing you'll be instructing is a divorce lawyer.

😂😂😂😂

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 10/01/2023 14:16

Some abusers (control can be abuse) only start once you are 'trapped' with pregnancy or a child.

You are in a managment position at work. It seems terrible that you would give given 'instructions' on your life-choices at home. You and DH are equals.

Cruisebabe1 · 10/01/2023 14:17

Babooshka1990 · 10/01/2023 09:57

Why doesn’t he step down the ? Or do you have a much better job than him and he feels invalidated, could he be using the baby as an excuse as he doesn’t like you being more successful?

This.

Naunet · 10/01/2023 14:18

Right cheeky sod, did he think he’s your boss now for some reason? I think you’re going to have a fight on your hands with covering sick days etc going forward.

EL0ISE · 10/01/2023 14:22

Fleurchamp · 10/01/2023 10:13

This is my experience:

Before DC: of course we are equal, once we have DC of course I will pick up the slack on childcare. I will be able to sort out work so I can do drop off/pick up a couple of times per week.

Have DC and go on Mat leave: DH's life actually becomes easier - wife at home doing all the grunt work, food in the cupboards, clean clothes in the wardrobe, meals cooked. Starts making noises about me going PT....

DC and back to work: stupidly I went PT. Can count on one hand number of nursery drop off and collections done by DH. All sick days, early closures sorted out by me because I now have the "less important" job. DH is dead against childcare and any increase to my hours has been "but what about the children?" When he still offers no help Mon - Fri.

my DC are at school now and it is so hard to push back from the status quo. I have managed to change jobs but it is incredibly difficult to do when you are PT (in my industry at least). If I need to work different days/ more hours I am made to feel guilty for "dumping" the DC at breakfast/ late class - but he never offers any other solutions.

I will never be promoted etc because I just can't put the hours in and have to miss meetings etc - his career has flourished.

I am happy that my DC have been able to be at home more but it has been at a cost to my career (and my happiness). I am resentful that DH's life (midweek at least) has remained the same but I am always having to rush around to get to/ from school.

In my opinion mat leave completely changed the dynamic of our relationship. I wish I had nipped it in the bud.

@Crocodilefortheday you need to read this post very carefully. And then read it again. Then print it out for future reference.

Because this will be your life if you are not careful. It’s what happened to me and I ended up trapped in an abusive marriages because I couldn’t afford to leave and keep a roof over my kids heads. My husband cheated and didn’t even try hard to hide it, because he knew I had very few choices.

Im sure you think you husband is one of the good guys and he woud never do that. I thought that too.

Please don’t be me. Keep your well paid job. It’s not just about the salary, it’s about the promotion prospects, job security , pension and flexibility. All of these are better in more senior roles.

IndysMamaRex · 10/01/2023 14:25

Crocodilefortheday · 10/01/2023 09:30

No he’s not usually this controlling.

Show quote history

Could he be worried about the cost of childcare? Cos it’s bloody ridiculous. Maybe thinking if you work less you won’t need paid childcare as much? Just a thought as I don’t understand why he would be wanting the both of you to be financially worse off.

If it is the reason then he can step down & take up the childcare reigns if he feels so strongly.

so many woman have to sacrifice their careers to start a family. Don’t let him bully you into it.

SillySausage81 · 10/01/2023 14:30

Excuse me, his "INSTRUCTIONS"??!! I'd be walking out that door right now unless he recanted and got down on his knees and begged for an apology for such "stupid" use of language, which he clearly can't mean (because if he does mean it then I'd be packing his bags as we speak).

If he's so bothered, then HE can go part time. And if his answer is no, well then that's the end of that discussion.

BabyTa · 10/01/2023 14:30

Has he thought about getting a less senior job or dropping his hours so he can spend more time with baby? And surely, if you wanted to, you can always drop a day (flexible working request) or use your accrued annual leave to take a day off a week for a few months if you needed to - the grade won't matter here!

I've done that and just gone back to 5 days a week. Expensive for childcare costs but my job is also part of my identity

MzHz · 10/01/2023 14:31

But he’s NOT saying cut back on hours, merely drop in seniority

as someone pointed out, a more senior role will give MORE flexibility as @Crocodilefortheday can delegate and manage situations.

im very wary of this guy’s motives

YouJustDoYou · 10/01/2023 14:32

How about HE cut down HIS responsibilties to spend more time with HIS baby?

PrincessConstance · 10/01/2023 14:34

I don't understand why he's asking you to step down. Same hrs more pay. Surely it's a no-brainer. Unlike my job seniority has meant my hrs have been extended by up to 4 hrs per day.
There's no doubt now children are here life won't ever be the same for either of you.

AlbertaAnnie · 10/01/2023 14:36

this is completely your decision - I would suggest he takes a less senior role and pay cut if he’s so concerned about it!

lamaze1 · 10/01/2023 14:45

neverwakeasleepingbaby · 10/01/2023 09:37

If you're anything like me, having a demanding job that uses another part of my brain is the only thing that keeps me sane the rest of the time. Taking a step down would depress me and it would impact everyone in the family negatively.

His "instructions" are a separate issue. What a twat!

100% agree with this.

This smacks of him lining things up so that he has the "big" job meaning you pick up the slack.

By way of a comparison, I've recently gone back to work. My husband has not batted an eyelid at doing more whilst I got back into the swing of things. We have a nanny and whilst I see less of my child than I did on mat leave, like you say if I took a less senior role I'd be in the same position anyway. I'd add that for us, my child is really reaping the benefit of having someone with education experience doing things I'd never have thought of and going on play dates with other nanny friends.

I've not said the above to gloat. It's just highlighting your husband is being a dick, particularly given he expects you to follow his "instructions" 🙄.

Keep your role and higher salary. It will keep options open for you and make it less likely that you become reliant on him.

bellswithwhistles · 10/01/2023 14:52

You obviously need to talk. I can't believe this hasn't been sorted whilst you were trying for a baby and the 9 months you were pregnant though!

I was happy to step back. Personally I don't agree with two people battling it out getting 'senior' at work whilst the kids live in childrcare, but that's my personal opinion (seems a bit pointless having them, as having the children at home whilst they're little and now dropping/picking up from school etc brings me great joy) Some people are absolutely fine though with only seeing their kids an hour a day or at the weekend clearly. Each to their own.

Nothing to say he can't be the one who steps back! All very odd how he wants you to step back given it's not into part time. Makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

What was your plan?

Wetblanket78 · 10/01/2023 14:59

Exactly this

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/01/2023 15:00

Fuck his "instructions".

What a cheeky fucker!

Suggest he gets a better paid job to help and that you will continue with your career as you wish.

NoSquirrels · 10/01/2023 15:07

What a ridiculous fool he is.

RealBecca · 10/01/2023 15:07

Poor man just wants to be The Big Provider. Bruised ego.

I'd just have one last chat and tell him what's what and refuse to discuss they matter. Change topic to the weather or something. or ask when he is taking a demotion to do more childcare.

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 15:10

You’re not listening to his ‘instructions’? And he’s now getting stroppy as a way to break you into doing what he wants?

Who the fuck does he think he is?

Has he ever displayed signs of controlling, abusive misogyny before?

samqueens · 10/01/2023 15:11

I’m so sorry - he sounds appalling. Please heed what @stunningscreamer / @KettrickenSmiled / @LunaAndHerMoonDragons / @Tabitha1960 in particular have said and all of the other useful feedback on this thread.

You may not have been aware of his controlling nature up til now, but this should be a massive wake up call as it is all of the red flags. It’s true sometimes this only comes out after moving in/marriage/a baby. But it’s also true that when you still have your independence it’s possible to miss warning signs, or dismiss them as quirks or one-offs, so you don’t see a pattern that can be tied together until you’re a long way down the line.

Sorry to be blunt and I really hope this is a mad one off but I strongly advise you to (discreetly) read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (can be downloaded on kindle app) before you make any sudden moves or waste too much energy trying to reason with him. And certainly do so before you entertain the idea of counseling, which is not advised and is counterproductive when your partner has an abusive mindset. Bear in mind the example he will be subconsciously setting for your DC when deciding what to do in the longer term. Take control of contraception in the meanwhile. Do not take a demotion of in any way jeopardise your job/financial autonomy.