DH wanting me to get a different job after MAT leave

[Crocodilefortheday]

Aibu to think DH doesn’t get to dictate that I get a less senior job after MAT leave? I’m head of my department but currently on MAT leave. DH is trying to insist I step down as a head of department and get a less senior job (within the same area of work) and of course this would come with a pay cut. He’s saying it’s so I’ll have more time with the baby but I’ve tried to explain to him that my working hours are likely to be the same anyway so I might as well stay as head of department for more money (I will still see my baby so his point there isn’t really valid). He’s getting grumpy about this and says I’m “not listening” to his “instructions” but I don’t think what job I do is for him to dictate. We both earn about the same.

He can’t answer because he’s not willing to say it out loud.

“ I want you to be demoted so I have a convincing argument for delegating all the childcare, housework and wife work to you for the next 20 years.

“ I believe that’s women work but I know I can’t say that these days so the next best things is to say my job is more important because I earn more.

“ Although I wanted to be a father, I’m not willing for it to be even the slightest inconvenience to me.

“ And I don’t give a flying fuck about your job satisfaction, promotion prospects , income or pension .”

@EL0ISE

That's a bingo! I agree with you completely.

I do keep asking but he just won’t answer. He’s told me he’ll let me know tomorrow about if he’s going to be stepping down instead of me. He organised point blank refused it when I asked him yesterday (after he asked me) but now he’s saying he’ll “consider it but no promises”. I don’t think he will actually step down though, I think he’s trying to make me angry, then he can try and claim I’m “stressed” and then try and use that as another reason to get me to step down.

Re the childcare plan. He keeps coming out with “DD is not going to the childminder you want” . I’ve told him to find a childminder he’s happy with and he won’t. That’s just one example. Another is “what if the childminder won’t have her?”, not sure why he thinks the childminder won’t have DD when she has already agreed to have DD. These are just 2 examples, I could list many more.

I agree that’s probably what he’s thinking in his head but just won’t say it, although I do earn slightly more than but not by a lot. I’ve been clear with him that I’m not stepping down, I’m worried he’s going to try and make my life hell now I’ve said I won’t step down.

He's sabotaging you. He's deliberately throwing obstacles in your way because he sees a chance for him to be the big man with the big job and for you to be the little woman who does part time for pin money. His ego can't handle it that you're his equal.

Hang onto the job. Make your childcare arrangements. Don't give this man an inch because he will take a mile. Consider whether he is worth staying with if he does not change.

Op, you are massively undeplaying the "instructions" comment. He actually said you should follow his instructions? Batshit.

You keep saying he is "poking holes" in.your proposals. What holes? If its "we both have big jobs and if nanny is sick we Re screwed", that's a conversation you SHOULD have. But I am guessing the holes are more about assuming you are default parent ans how will that work

A lot of men seem to use earning more as an excuse to get out of doing anything. They need to 'protect' their job and so can't do nursery drop-off, cover sick days, need to sleep in at the weekend so they're not tired at work 🙄.

Your husband doesn't even have that excuse because you're the higher earner. I suspect he's been enjoying you doing most things while you've been on maternity leave and would like to find a way for that to continue instead of having to step up and do his share.

So you’re worried he’s going to be so abusive to you that you have to give up a job you enjoy and earn well in. To pander to his ego & become household drudge?

whats the point of him, he’s making life harder for you.

I’m worried he’s going to try and make my life hell now I’ve said I won’t step down.

What the fuck is wrong with this inadequate man?

I think I'd be pointing out that the nice thing about being the head of my department is that I get to give the instructions.

Every time he pokes a hole in it, pass it back to him

'DC isn't going to the childminder you want' - 'I'd prefer dc stayed with you, and we didn't need a childminder'

'You won't be able to travel with your job'

• 'you will enable me to travel, as the living supportive partner you are'

'I can't take time off work' - 'ask your boss if you can go part time'

I don't actually think he's bothered about you being in a more senior role, I think it's partly because he thinks it's a 'woman's job to look after the dc' but also because he doesn't want to be put out or have his life impacted by the dc. You staying at home means that he carries on as normal

Tbh I'd be sitting down with him and finding out what he thinks all the decisions about dc must be resolved by you. You keep saying 'my childminder' it's not yours, it's 'our childminder'.

I’m not giving up my job no matter what, I’ve told him that today. If he abuses me because of it then at least I have my job so I can still provide for DD as a single parent if I have to, it won’t be easy but if it’s the only way then it’ll have to work somehow. This is me thinking ahead incase he tries to abuse me or similar, I’ve not actually divorced him at this moment in time or spoke to a divorce lawyer at this time. Although me and DD would have to move house as no way could I afford mortgage alone.

’m worried he’s going to try and make my life hell now I’ve said I won’t step down

I'd question why you'd stay with a man who would do this!

I think I’m going to sit him down tomorrow evening when he’s home from work and set him straight on this especially his comment about me not following his instructions, I should have said something to him about that comment at the time.

“Instructions”?! Well, that’s creepy. Watch your back, OP!

Truth is, your baby is going to get ill a LOT, they all do, they have to cycle through the various childhood vomiting bugs etc. When they are ill, you cannot take them to nursery/childminder. Quite often childcare will call a parent in the middle of the day to say ‘your child is unwell about you need to collect them immediately’.

In all the families I know, the lower earner ends up dashing to pickup the child because the higher earner is all “I’m too busy and important, you do it.” Then guess which of those two parents gets a pay rise next year and the next etc.

He wants you to be the one to do all the hard bits such as abandoning work to collect sick child, and he’s trying to arrange things so that you’re the lower earner.

He’s going to have to either be an equal parent to our DD or get out my life. When I have to travel for work he’ll cope with DD through childcare and looking after DD himself when he’s home from work. Otherwise I’ll just find a way to make it work for me as a single parent.

I would speak to him again now about everything but he’s already in bed.

OP it sounds like you may have already reached the point of no return. Your updates this evening suggest that he is not open to having a conversation about this. The fact you talk about your childminder implies he has not been part of that decision, by the sound of it because he’s not interested. Mainly the fact that you think he will make your life hell makes me think he’s not a keeper. Your first thought should not be that your life partner is going to make your life hell, it should be that he will be supportive. Yours isn’t and by the sounds of it won’t be. PP’s have it right, it seems he’s lining you up for the little wife at home keeping house role, whilst he steps into the role of man with Very Important Job. You need to think long and hard about what you get from this relationship and what you actually want. Good luck

I will try and sit down with him tomorrow evening and discuss everything with him. I’m really not happy with him trying to dictate what job I have.

I am thinking about it very hard. I think I’m going to speak to him tomorrow and give him one last chance to apologise and work with me properly to look after DD and then if not I’ll reconsider the relationship I think.

Just out of interest @Crocodilefortheday, how much of the childcare does your 'D'H do now? When he's at home in the morning/evening and at the weekend?

We’ll be here for you OP

Thanks, I don’t know what to do to be honest to try and get DH to engage with me constructively about this. Especially around the travel associated with my job as if DH won’t look after DD then the only option would be DD goes to a friend of mine just while I’m away or I pay a nanny. I think I need to reevaluate the whole relationship.

He doesn’t do an equal amount and when he does something I need to ask him first (normally multiple times!) before he’ll do it.