To want a girl?

[Namechanged2023]

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

Oooh, my parents were like this - they wanted girls so that their kids would conform and they’d have an easier life. Unfortunately they got their way. Their kids are all fucked up in their own ways because we were expected and told to be “good girls” and never cause trouble or tell anyone if we had problems, unlike those wild free spirited handful boys who should be allowed to do what they liked to us because they were boys.

Honestly OP, it’s not wrong to want a girl but it’d be wrong to have one in your circumstances and with your views.

When people talk about gender disappointment on MN it is primarily linked to how they believe boys and girls behave differently and is typically linked to stereotypical views of boys and girls.

But they do generally behave differently, because of (as we’ve discussed) a mix of hormonal/chromosomal differences and societal conditioning. So she has a point doesn’t she? Of course her ‘daughter’ might be tomboy. But she’s more likely not to be. Her sons could end up dancing in swan lake and wearing dresses - but I would bet they won’t. It’s about chances and probability.

Plus it’s perfectly natural to feel you have more to offer in terms of life experience and understanding to a child of the same sex as yourself.

Plus it’s quite ironic that so many posters say it’s about ‘stereotyping’ before saying ‘boys are great, girls are emotional nightmares’ etc.

But they do generally behave differently, because of (as we’ve discussed) a mix of hormonal/chromosomal differences and societal conditioning. So she has a point doesn’t she? Of course her ‘daughter’ might be tomboy. But she’s more likely not to be. Her sons could end up dancing in swan lake and wearing dresses - but I would bet they won’t. It’s about chances and probability.

Tomboy - what does that even mean, isn't it just more outdated nonsense to describe someone who doesn't fit your stereotypical view of what it means to be a girl!
It really depends on where you sit on the nature/nature debate doesn't it really?

Plus it’s perfectly natural to feel you have more to offer in terms of life experience and understanding to a child of the same sex as yourself.

That's a different point entirely. That is understandable to an extent but it's completely different to saying I want a girl because I want a well behaved child who will conform.

Plus it’s quite ironic that so many posters say it’s about ‘stereotyping’ before saying ‘boys are great, girls are emotional nightmares’ etc.

I agree, it's just a bad.

You’ve asked for opinions so I will answer, in the hope you are taking different opinions on board, NOT only absorbing the few posters who already agree with you.

Having a third child because you want a girl is the wrong motivation. You should not do this. There are two ways it could go:

1. You get a third boy and are disappointed
2. You get a girl, and your sons will be able to sense the preference you have for your daughter.

My sister has two girls, they were considering a third. Her husband hankered after a boy, he always pictured a son. He was actually the one to say “no”, the disappointment he’d experience if it was another girl would be so unfair on the baby and their existing girls. And he wouldn’t want the girls to feel like they kept trying until a boy was achieved. So they left it at two.

All the school behaviour/quiet girls/naughty boys/daddy’s boy/mummy’s girl stuff is total bullshit and noise. You are just trying to convince yourself that having a third child against your husbands will is okay.

You spoke about your distant relationship with your mother - you should probably go to therapy and address this rather than trying to fill the hole with a daughter.

Plus it’s perfectly natural to feel you have more to offer in terms of life experience and understanding to a child of the same sex as yourself

Yuuuup 🎯

I have a very much wanted boy. He is gentle, kind and loving. I always wanted a boy. In fact I was nervous to have a girl, because I was the ‘nightmare’ growing up. It took me a long time to think she doesn’t need to make the mistakes I did. I’m now pregnant with a girl and I’m really excited. I want to teach her the pitfalls in life to avoid and how to stay on the right path.

I do really think you should reconsider your values before contemplating another child. Maybe have some counselling. Your attitude towards boys is very negative and I don’t think it’s healthy for them growing up knowing their mum considers them a nightmare. I say this kindly. I had to have a hard talk with myself as to why I was scared to have a girl, and realised a lot of it came from self-loathing. It took time to get over that. Maybe you have resentment towards men in general? which I think you should address since you have two boys.

Also if you really do want a girl and can’t get the idea out of your mind, I suggest considering IVF in the US. The absolute worst thing would be to roll the dice, end up with another boy and resent him just because of his gender.

Since male children are favoured in most places around the world, it's nice to redress the balance and have some love for baby girls.

Two wrongs don't make it right!

Are you for real?

OP I do think you will need to respect your partner's wishes if he is "done" having children. it is such a huge commitment of time, money, and energy and it's not to be taken lightly.

That said, if he's happy to have a 3rd child, that's fine. But please self-reflect enough to ensure you don't put pressure on any potential daughter to fill a particular role in your life. She might turn out to be really different from what you hoped or expected. It would be heartbreaking if she ever sensed or thought you were disappointed that she wasn't the "right kind" of girl.

Also, the fact that you've had 2 boys already--mathematically, probability does not mean that you're more likely to have a girl next time, though I know that seems counter-intuitive!

I really do believe gender disappointment would disappear if people started to see children as people in their own right, not objects who exist to make their parents happy.

But they sort of are ‘objects who exist to make parents happy’. Not objects obviously, but we all have hopes and ideals for our children rather than just 100% ‘letting them be themselves’. Look at the number of parents on here desperate to get their kids into high achieving schools despite the child being average, or moving to the country to bring them up in the hope they’ll ‘spend time outside and have a rural upbringing’. All parents hope their kids will be happy, healthy and reasonably bright. In part because it then makes it easier for us to raise them, and a happy and studious child will bring us as parents more joy than an unhappy stroppy nightmare who is off the rails.

OP my dcs school is having a bigger issue just now with girls bullying than boys. These are primary age kids and some of the girls behaviour is awful. All my boys have been hit by girls at various stages one of my boys has been hit repeatedly and had stones thrown at him by a girl.

Also they all my boys do well in school and behave as that’s what I expect of them. If they don’t behave they have don’t get rewards or treats as these are earned through good behaviour. DS1 has a neurological condition that affects girls and boys so does struggle far more than the other 2 but does well in school with some support. Ds2 excels in school and gets excellent report cards and feedback from his teachers. DS3 does well and gets good feedback from his pre school nursery.

I don’t believe girls and boys generally behave better or worse but society encourages boys to be rough and tumble and girls to be “princesses” both stereotypes come with difficulties as boys that are not taught that being rough is unacceptable carry on doing it. Girls that are taught they at princesses or divas often become spoilt , entitled and demanding none of which are pleasant traits.

I work in a role that sees statistics on violence etc and there is upward trend in violence in young woman and a down ward trend in violence in young men over the last few years.

I work in a role that sees statistics on violence etc and there is upward trend in violence in young woman and a down ward trend in violence in young men over the last few years.

This may be partly because some crimes committed by men are now being recorded as having been committed by women.

I totally get it. I really wanted a girl too but I couldn’t help myself, I always wanted to do the girly things. I saw a tip on here about getting pregnant with a girl on your day of ovulation. It’s the day I fell pregnant with my daughter

I saw a tip on here about getting pregnant with a girl on your day of ovulation. It’s the day I fell pregnant with my daughter

I wouldn't bank on that! I got pregnant on the day of ovulation and had a boy!
And actually people are often told that having sex close to ovulation will actually increase your chances of having a boy.....although the reality is it's a 50/50 chance anyway.

And if your daughter didn't ever want to do the 'girly things' what would you have done? Swapped her for a girlier version?!

Ello OP, crikey this thread is a ride!
I just wanted to ask you something.
I'm pregnant now and I've 4 sons and everyone will tell me how much I want a girl when I tell people I'm pregnant again, I wonder if people making such a big deal out of the opposite sex to parent of all one sex makes it play on our minds more? Do you op get told lots, "you must want a girl?" I hear it loads and I do, but no more than I'd love another wee lad. But if you get told that from friends, you've mentioned friends kids, or colleagues maybe, maybe that's getting in your head?

I remember some absolutely daft bastard saying to me after I had my youngest, "you must be heartbroken", fecking idiot, I was wondering around a big asda with dinosaur onesies and malteasers in my trolley with my healthy baby, my heart was so happy it was almost singing like Pavarotti after a bomb of speed!
But those comments can wear you down, hopefully you've not paid them much heed if you've had them.

However, this is my rainbow baby, all being well this time 🤞🏼🙏🏼 so I'm likely to floor anyone suggesting my baby will be anything short of fucking miraculous, regardless of how they pee!

I have worked with young children in schools and nurseries for the last 30 years and I have seen many girls (without SEN) that have been extremely challenging so I don’t agree that girls are necessarily better behaved. By far the most challenging child in the pre school I work now is female.

Adding a third child is a lot of hard work, so If you really want another child then make sure you would be equally happy with a boy or a girl.

What makes you say that? Everything i have read has shown that it's linked with a marked increase in alcohol and drug abuse, a lack of appropriate social behaviour teaching, parents trying to befriend there child resulting in the kids not being set boundaries and age appropriate rules or alternatively being expected to be an adult too soon. Obviously there are other factors at play but this is a lot of the more common ones.

Yep YABU and agree with previous poster who said your views are toxic.

Your poor boys

@SpaceBunInstaHun oh absolutely. My friends with one of each say how lucky they are to have one of each; my friends with girls say they’re hoping for another girl next time. Even my friend with a DS says she has no plans to have any more as it will most likely be another boy and “one boy is fine but two?!”.

Both DH and I used to say, pre TTC, that we only wanted girls as boys are such little shits! That was obviously when we were young and didn’t have a clue. My DS1 was a delightful baby and toddler, really gentle and not boisterous at all. This changed and he’s very challenging now.

Jesus wept. 🤦‍♀️

“Little shits”. Wow. You just get better and better.

My teenage son is great company. He is my eldest. Completely normal for some boys to be boisterous but they usually grow out of it.

Enjoy the children you were meant to have OP. They are yours.