To want a girl?

[Namechanged2023]

Another thread like this, I know.

Two boys, 7 and 4. Both hard work in different ways, although lovely of course too. Both daddies boys, none of this mummy’s boy stuff which I would love.

I never ruled out a third, but DH isn’t keen as he is almost 40, I’m 5 years younger. I would really like a daughter. I know there’s no guarantee but I know plenty who’ve followed the old fashioned methods and managed it.

DH dead against it, it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say, especially when he’s fine with his 2 boys, and he knew I was younger when we got married!

Of course it's not disgusting- I can tell you any initial disappointment is nothing to do with the actual child anyone has and they love the child they have.
It's ridiculous how angry people get about other people's preferences.
Did I want girls, yes- do I love and adore and am proud of my nephew, of course. Did my want for a girl affect you or your love for your sons, no.

You claimed that nobody is bothered when men want boys....I can tell you that it does bother me. It bothers me when people openly declare a preference for a particular sex because, in my opinion, this is purely based on stereotypes. Men want boys for stereotypical reasons ( just like women want girls for stereotypical reasons) and I've seen first hand when that doesn't got to plan and the damage it can do. My male cousin has a non existent relationship with his dad because he wasn't the the version of the long awaited boy his dad had wished for ( not into football, gay, professional dancer) my cousin is quite damaged by this and my sister's relationship with her son and husband is challenging as she feels stuck in the middle.

You can feel differently of course but I'm of the opinion that people who declare a preference for a particular sex when having a baby need to give their head a wobble.

OP you are serious disillussioned about what having a girl is like. I would say that DD is much harder work in many ways than DS. Sure, she might not run around carzily as much (although many girls do), but the drama that comes with girls is REAL. So is the teenage attitude, which has already started at 9.

It's also pretyt mean to say you want a girl because your sons are hard work. It's like you've already picked your favourite, one that doesn't even exist. Poor boys, they have my sympathy. And so does the potential 3rd disappointment boy.

My strong willed girl has not always behaved in school, no. I was in and out for meetings for the first 2 years because she couldn’t listen and sit still. She is September born so one of the oldest in her year but has taken until now (year 2) to finally be able to sit and listen. My son is august born and has never found listening and sitting still difficult. I’ve never once had an issue with him in school (year 6 now) It’s personality not gender at all with mine. I’m not sure if it’s because dd has an older brother but she loves rough play with the boys. If you have a dd she might be similar with 2 big brothers

It’s actually quite common. Parents who have both sexes are more likely to stop at two while those with just one tend to go for the third.

Plenty of NT girls behave badly in primary school. Yes, year 6 girls may misbehave in different ways to boys, but they know perfectly well that they are not behaving appropriately, and often their behaviour is far more likely to have an impact on others.

What happened to be Kind!

Op is not saying she does not love her boys nor that she will not love a 3rd son. What she is saying is that she planned for 3 children and the what if's that it could be a little girl that she yearns for is driving her move for the 3rd child.

Gender preference and Gender disappointment is real.

When I found out the sex of my baby- it was the sex that I had a preference for.
However I was still a little sad for the sex it wasn't as I had 2 children pictured in my head and the different things I wished for them and our relationship. Yes I am very aware that children do not conform to our dreams and expectations however we are all human and have dreams and aspirations for our children and their relationship with us.

As I said in my previous post I think OP needs to sit down with her husband and have a proper discussion in regards to a 3rd child, why she wants one why he doesn't to try and compromise or come to terms with their reality.

What happened to be Kind!

You mean the trite hashtag that's meant to shut down women and their valid opinions? Hopefully on its way to the bin where it belongs.

Funny how you never see #bekind on the clothes in the boys section, incidentally.

👏👏👏

I agree, no way would I have had three children for any reason- but Im jumping on the people who are getting seriously irate at the very concept of a sex preference.

What happened to reading the OPs posts? She said she thought about three children, she said she would not be having a third if she had a girl?

How bloody kind is that to a third boy?

You claimed that nobody is bothered when men want boys....I can tell you that it does bother me. It bothers me when people openly declare a preference for a particular sex because, in my opinion, this is purely based on stereotypes
Disagree, it's usually because people want to either replicate aspects of their childhood or completely rewrite their childhood and feel drawn to what they know. I know what it is to be a female, therefore I feel more at ease raising a female and could picture a similar childhood to that of my own.
It doesnt affect you what other people imagine giving birth to. Plenty of people want girls and plenty of people want boys- who the hell cares.

it just feels a bit unfair that the one who doesn’t want another gets the final say

That's how it should be. Raising a child is a lot of work. If one parent doesn't want another child, then that's that.

Disagree, it's usually because people want to either replicate aspects of their childhood or completely rewrite their childhood and feel drawn to what they know. I know what it is to be a female, therefore I feel more at ease raising a female and could picture a similar childhood to that of my own.

It's not always that though is it? That might be your reasons but I've seen and experienced something different.

It doesnt affect you what other people imagine giving birth to. Plenty of people want girls and plenty of people want boys- who the hell cares.

There's a difference between imagining to yourself but then realising that you are just happy to be having a healthy baby and declaring publicly that you want a particular sex because stereotypical ideas - which is what the OP is doing.

I care when I have family members making such a big deal about have the 'wrong' sex that my own child starts to question whether I was disappointed he was a boy.
I care when my own nephew is upset because 'he's not the boy his dad always wanted'

These conversations and situations happen, I've seen and heard the unpleasant side of this. It's not nice and really shit for the kids involved.

YANBU to want a girl but reading further I wonder if you should have a third child. If you have a third boy will you truly be happy and love your boys or will you want a fourth child because only a girl will do?
Are your boys already picking up on the feeling that they are not good enough?

Talk to your husband about why you want a third child and listen with open mind as to why he doesn’t. You may have to accept though that two boys is what you will have no matter what you want.

I hate this utter nonsense about how people 'tried' for a girl using a certain method and it worked. It's literally 50/50 so of course some will end up with a girl, it's absolutely nothing to do with certain methods.

I wanted a girl - I was desperate a daughter. DH desperately wanted a daughter too. We both have our reasons. We were blessed, and had a daughter.

So if you'd had a boy he wouldn't have been a blessing? Jesus Christ.

I actually think the stronger you feel about a specific gender the more you should not try for one. Because that will leave the "wrong" gendered child at increased risk of being and feeling like a disappointment.

OP already talks about how hard work her sons are and that she wants a girl because they will be easier and not like her sons. That's a pretty big red flag in terms of favourism. She's picked her favourite before she is even concieved.

YANBU. Despite what people say on here about there being ‘no difference’ between the sexes before saying how awful men are on another thread I can absolutely understand why a woman would want a daughter, as a deep instinctive desire.

Even the most fiercely proud ‘boy mums’ (like Stacey Solomon and Siobhan Miller) who insisted they didn’t care which sex they had next went wild when they finally had a girl, it’s all ‘can’t believe ive got my girl’ ‘she’s completed our family’ and OTT celebrations compared to when their boys were born.

So don’t feel guilty, despite what anyone says. It might not be ‘justifiable’ in a rational sense, but then neither is having a baby in itself 🤷🏼‍♀️

Just be prepared for how you may feel if you do decide to try again and it’s another boy. Good luck whatever you decide.

As for it being based on stereotypes, can anyone who says that look me in the eye (virtually speaking) and tell me there is no difference between the way Mumsnet views men and women? And why we have so many ‘men are awful sexist monsters’ type threads? And then tell me they don’t understand why women might be more apprehensive about raising men (not just little boys)?

As for it being based on stereotypes, can anyone who says that look me in the eye (virtually speaking) and tell me there is no difference between the way Mumsnet views men and women? And why we have so many ‘men are awful sexist monsters’ type threads? And then tell me they don’t understand why women might be more apprehensive about raising men (not just little boys)?

Men and women are viewed (and treated ) differently in wider society, not just on MN and isn't that part of the problem? Before children are even born we are subjecting them to stereotypical, sexist nonsense. Then we ponder as to why they behave differently.

Surely you are only apprehensive about raising boys if you buy into the idea that men are born 'awful sexist monsters'?

Men and women are viewed (and treated ) differently in wider society, not just on MN and isn't that part of the problem? Before children are even born we are subjecting them to stereotypical, sexist nonsense. Then we ponder as to why they behave differently. Surely you are only apprehensive about raising boys if you buy into the idea that men are born 'awful sexist monsters'?

So you think all the male behaviour on here is down to the fact their mum dressed them in blue or they had toy cars? Really?

So you think all the male behaviour on here is down to the fact their mum dressed them in blue or they had toy cars? Really?

I didn't say that did I?

What I said was that society views and treats men and women and boys and girls differently. This translates into different expectations around behaviour and the language used to describe that behaviour.

This helps shape a young persons view of the world and their place in it. This happens at a very young age.

Male (and female behaviour) is heavily influenced by society and the environment they grow up in.
Or do you think particular gendered behaviour is hardwired into our chromosomes?

Or do you think particular gendered behaviour is hardwired into our chromosomes?

I do, yes - in a general sense (before you harp on about a tomboy you know or a male ballerina). I think hormones do dominate personality traits more than we think, and not everything is down to ‘societal conditioning’ (even though it plays a slight role). That’s why we get PMS, why women experience personality differences during the menopause, and why men on the whole are more aggressive than woman. That doesn’t mean if you display ‘male’ characteristics you’re a man, as there are always exceptions and outliers. But it’s not only naive but unproductive to deny personality differences are solely because of ‘girls and boys being given different toys’ for example.

If you want to argue that boys are less wanted in our society than girls, why do they display the same criminal behaviours as their counterparts in countries where boys are the desired sex?

I have 3 DS's
Personality is not defined by sex
There is no guarantee you'd have a girl
There is no guarantee you'd be closer to a girl
I wouldn't have a third if you'd be disappointed( which it sounds like you would.
Your DH does not want another

But it’s not only naive but unproductive to deny personality differences are solely because of ‘girls and boys being given different toys’ for example.

I've not mentioned clothes or toys. That's you putting words into my mouth.
Nor I have I said it is all down to social conditioning - although I feel that plays a much bigger part that you are acknowledging.
I'm talking about wider expectations around behaviour, how particular behaviour is rewarded or punished in society and expectations around gender roles.
Which leads on to your next point......

If you want to argue that boys are less wanted in our society than girls, why do they display the same criminal behaviours as their counterparts in countries where boys are the desired sex?

I've not argued this at all BUT this isn't about which sex is the desired sex in a particular culture or country. It's about expected behaviour of a particular sex and there are clearly differences in how people expect boys and girls will behave.

Those countries/cultures where boys are the preferred sex aren't driven by whether girls are better behaved in school or not. Whether they are the desired sex or not isn't impacting on the societal expectation around the behaviour of a particular sex.

When people talk about gender disappointment on MN it is primarily linked to how they believe boys and girls behave differently and is typically linked to stereotypical views of boys and girls.
The OP admitted this herself! She wants a girl because ( in her opinion) they are more likely to conform and be better behaved.