AIBU to think this is unacceptable of the school

[anerki101]

My DS has suspected ASC. We have been waiting ages for a meeting with the school to discuss - that's another thread!

But anyway, DS is 4. Started school in Septemeber. He is 100% toilet trained nothing day and night. Never has accidents. Accept at school. If he doesn't do his daily poo at home after school, then he poos his pants at school. Its becoming an almost daily occurance. This started at the beginning of December. In all that time the staff have only noticed ONCE that he has had an accident and changed him.

Today I found out DS had done a poo in his pants between 12 and 1. I picked him up at 4:15. He'd been sitting in his own poo for three to four hours.

AIBU to think this is totally unacceptable?

The school are aware of these accidents. I have had several discussions with his teacher about preventing, etc. Nothing has worked so far but the biggest issue is that they aren't noticing he's had an accident and leaving him to sit in it all day.

Why can’t the SENCO arrange a meeting with you? That’s a huge red flag from the school.

As I said, work with the child's parents to identify the problem and find strategies to overcome it. Not just pretend it isn't happening and leave a kid in his own shit.

This is awful, I'm so sorry esp as he may be ASD. Poor kid. Why can't they take him to the loo at lunch time after he's eaten?

I realise they have other kids but 4yo need a little more support, so they should provide that.

Good luck OP x

Thank you.

He does enjoy school when he is there but it's a daily struggle to get him to go. All his classmates go running in happily. He doesn't. He cries most mornings, it's a huge battle to get him to put his school clothes on.

How do they do that when there are 29 other kids in the class with their own problems needing strategies and additional work with parents? Keeping in mind that the job of the school is to provide his education, not his medical support.

Did you consider deferral?

Pooing yourself at school isnt because he’s autistic. It’s a wider issue e.g confidence.

My neurodivergent daughter has just started nursery school. If she needs to go at lunch time they don’t always have access to the smaller toilets and she doesn’t like the bigger toilets somshe would hold it in all day.

Weve talked about the issues holding it in will create and although she’s resistance she now understands the importance of a tactical wee, so uses the potty before she leaves in a morning.

If he isn’t confident verbalising his issues having a card system is a good idea

I would honestly question if it's the right school. I always thought soiling in an otherwise potty trained child was a bit of a red flag. Maybe the ASC is the issue here but I think I would be seeking a further opinion from a professional. Some schools/ LAs have educational psychologists you can call on. Worth asking.

@GHRT

It can be due to a child being autistic. I think a big issue here is the schools reluctance to arrange a meeting to discuss this child’s needs.

I mentioned to DS' teacher end of October, beggining of November that we suspected DS might have ASC. She spoke to the SENCO and told me the senco would do some observations and someone who comes in from outside the school would also do so. Once that was done they would arrange a meeting with me to discuss. I've been asking every so often and told every time, "Oh yes, I'll double check with senco and let you know when to come in for the meeting." I feel like I'm getting fobbed off every time. The senco has never once spoken to me directly, not called me or anything. I believe the observations were done within the first two weeks of me bringing it up but I'm yet to actually have a meeting to discuss.

I'm well aware of the stresses and demands on teachers. I still think allowing a child to soil himself and sit in his own shit is unacceptable. His mother is offering to come in and change him if they tell her. Doing that is a basic standard of living not a medical problem.

Could you possibly pick up your son during lunch break for him to use the loo at home?

So his teacher should leave the other 29 kids unattended to go and phone his mum after lunch every single day?

@anerki101

Do not get fobbed off. Sounds like they’re very much avoiding the issue. It is not acceptable to leave a child like this and you’ve told them you yourself suspect there is more going on. I have worked in primary SEN and many, many 4 year olds on the spectrum will have daily accidents still. Poor thing!

I did, yes. He's a summer born. Birthday in July. I was quite worries but DH didn't think deferring was right and the nursery said they didn't think DS needed to defer. No one seemed keen on the idea but me. I almost wish I had now. I don't know.

Can you withdraw him now and start again next year?

Are you suggesting primary schools do not have procedures to contact parents if a child needs them? I haven't been in a classroom that didn't have a phone to the office for about 15 years and I don't suppose you have either.

I would be happy to do this. Whatever my DS needs.

I don't know. I didn't know that was even possible. If I could only get a bloody meeting with the school, I'd be able to find out and hear their thoughts on the matter. I'm going to contact them tomorrow

I don’t have a phone to the office. And neither does any other classroom in the school I’m in. Have you worked in a school recently?

@Pumperthepumper

Have you never heard of a walkie talkie then? Plenty of schools are in the 21st century you know.

Bypass them and contact your mp. This is not a good fit for your kid just now, and that’s not his fault or the school’s fault.