AIBU to think this is unacceptable of the school

[anerki101]

My DS has suspected ASC. We have been waiting ages for a meeting with the school to discuss - that's another thread!

But anyway, DS is 4. Started school in Septemeber. He is 100% toilet trained nothing day and night. Never has accidents. Accept at school. If he doesn't do his daily poo at home after school, then he poos his pants at school. Its becoming an almost daily occurance. This started at the beginning of December. In all that time the staff have only noticed ONCE that he has had an accident and changed him.

Today I found out DS had done a poo in his pants between 12 and 1. I picked him up at 4:15. He'd been sitting in his own poo for three to four hours.

AIBU to think this is totally unacceptable?

The school are aware of these accidents. I have had several discussions with his teacher about preventing, etc. Nothing has worked so far but the biggest issue is that they aren't noticing he's had an accident and leaving him to sit in it all day.

What are you looking for here, ideas or venting. What's happening isn't ok, but I expect the teacher can't check visibly and would have to rely on smell or on DS telling them, and you can't always smell. If it's happening around a similar time could you go into the school at a specific time to check and change him? Can you and school work with him to develop a non verbal signal? I wouldn't want the teacher regularly asking him aloud in ear shot of other children.

They are also aware that DS is having an accident almost every day. They know he won't tell them

What do you want them to do if he won't tell them? They can't physically check if he has said no.

Reception children often have a general whiff about them and by the afternoon the classroom will often stink from a combination of things.

The reception teacher is employed to teach, not check children for accidents. If there is a visible sign of a child having had an accident eg wet patch on pants/skirt, even though the child denies it, then they can insist the child gets changed but if they can't see anything and the child has said they haven't had an accident they can't do much.

They are also aware that DS is having an accident almost every day. They know he won't tell them*

What do you want them to do if he won't tell them? They can't physically check if he has said no.

Reception children often have a general whiff about them and by the afternoon the classroom will often stink from a combination of things.

The reception teacher is employed to teach, not check children for accidents. If there is a visible sign of a child having had an accident eg wet patch on pants/skirt, even though the child denies it, then they can insist the child gets changed but if they can't see anything and the child has said they haven't had an accident they can't do much.

no I wouldn’t want to sit in my own shit but your ds isn’t telling the teacher or going to the toilet so presumably isn’t as bothered. School can’t check all the time- there isn’t the staff. Maybe your ds could use a card to give to the teacher when he’s had an accident if verbalising it is stressful- this is what my dd with chronic constipation does. Also advise the use of a tablet when on the toilet to encourage him to go at home- the consultant recommended this to me as it helps the child relax.

I don’t think this is a school issue.

I would suggest talking to him and getting to the root of the issue. He says he doesn’t like the toilets because they aren’t “pretty” - could he draw a picture of how he wishes they looked and then imagine that picture whilst he uses them?

Or could this him being too embarrassed to say that he’s scared of them? In which case I’d be looking for toilet anxiety resources or maybe talking to the GP about it.

I think you need to speak to them and get a strategy sorted. My friend’s son has suspected ASD and has a special card to go and hand to the teacher when he has an accident- would that work?

Not sure why that posted multiple times.

What is ASC? My dc is autistic (ASD).

Autistic Spectrum Condition, there's been a shift away from Austistic Spectrum Disorder for pre-diagnosis discussions.

It's Autism Spectrum Condition. So, the same thing essentially.

Googled. Sorry. I’ve never heard that term.

Teacher has more than enough to do without changing him on a regular basis

The card is a good idea. I think he is bothered but he's incredibly shy. He won't tell anyone. I'm not sure if he'd tell the truth if asked either.

I appreciate your advice, thank you! Think MN broke for a bit :)

Ds told me he did it whilst he was on the playground after he'd eaten his lunch.

Go to gp if you havnt already about starting diagnosis.

I think yabu even though it's frustrating as a teacher has class of 30, she can't keep checking your son hasn't poo himself.

You said you have had several discussions and nothing has worked. What has been tried so far?

Perhps look at routines like sitting on toilet every morning for 10 mins to see if he will poop.

I'd also look at constipation as common in asd kids

If he did it in playground I wonder if he school toilet is the issue.

My ds is autistic and also pooed in his pants once rather than go to the toilet, the usual toilets were out of order so they had to go to ks2 toilets, he'd never been in them before, school are aware of how he doesn't like change but didn't think to ask him if he was okay with using the different toilets. So he did it on the playground in his pants and didn't tell anyone because he was embarrassed, I felt awful for him. He usually won't have a poo at school so he must've been desperate

You can apply for echp as a parent. He may need an adult support to meet his needs. If class has high proportion of sen kids his needs might not be met by a teacher and TA

The issue is the school toilets.

He poos absolutely fine at home, at our relatives homes, will use toilets in shops, etc. He doesn't and has never had any bowel issues. He goes like clockwork. Goes up for a poo at home, it comes straight out no problems.

The only place it is an issue is at school where he poos in his pants almost daily.

The only answer we can get from him is he doesn't like the school toilets because they aren't pretty.

It is absolutely not acceptable and the usual '30 kids one teacher' that's used to excuse all kinds of laziness/ cruelty from a minority of teachers doesn't cover it either.

I would expect the school to be working with you to prevent this first and foremost and yes, checking and helping him clean himself up when. It is perfectly possible to identify where a shit smell is coming from even in a group of farting 4-5 year olds.

They are letting him down. Is he otherwise happy at school?

What do you suggest they do?

He will do a wee in the school toilets, He just won't poo in the toilets at school.

They have offered him use of the year six toilets rather than reception toilets. They apparently regularly remind him to go and ask him if he needs to go. Neither has worked.