To only apologise if I am apologised to or AIBU?

[Keyansier]

I will just be upfront from the start and say what I said and get it out the way. I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it. A brief bit of background before I say what the comment was: My boyfriend (we are in a same sex relationship) has a younger brother who is considered the golden child of the family and always gets what he wants, no questions asked. He is quite arrogant and thinks highly of himself but my boyfriend puts him on a pedestal and is always fussing about him. I am not enthralled by him and he seems to take great exception to that.

A bit of background before the incident: My boyfriends brother is very annoying and will deliberately wind me up sneakily and then act like nothing happened. For example: He will make nasty comments and then pretend he didn't say anything when I react and sit back and act innocent while I am reacting to what he said. He does it a lot. So yesterday, after it being very relentless all day, I ended up snapping, big time. He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat". I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that. He did wind me up, but that is not an excuse at all. I was drunk (we all were) but that is not an excuse either and I'm not going to hide behind it.

I am in 100% agreement that I should apologise but I also feel like it's not all completely my fault and I either do not need to apologise for it all, or also deserve an apology from his for his hand in it by purposely winding me up. My bf has said his brother is very upset (I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse) and has said I need to apologise, which I agree with, but I don't think I should be made to give one if not getting one back. Just gathering opinions: Does anyone think my stance is unreasonable from reading that or understandable where I'm coming from?

Is this the brother that bought you milk tray the Christmas before last and you don’t like because your DP gives him money?

I believe you should only apologise if you're truly sorry. Otherwise it means nothing.

You all sound like immature teenagers, particularly you and your ‘I shouldn’t be made to apologise’ stance.
Grow up.

Assuming your boyfriend was there for most of the exchange and heard what his brother was saying, then your relationship is dead in the water so there's no need to apologise. If the brother was nasty enough that your response felt almost justified, but your boyfriend wants you to apologise not his brother, then he doesn't care about you.

How old are you all?

What you said was unnecessary and horribly aggressive - you wrote your OP like you're spending an awful lot of time trying to excuse yourself for this behaviour.

It is completely your fault, you're an adult and in control of what comes out of your mouth. There's no "oh but he wound me up" excuse unless you're children imo. Get in better control of your emotions and how you talk, perhaps don't get drunk too.

I don't think I would apologise. I wonder why your boyfriend just passively observes his brother being so mean to you! A bit more loyalty might make the brother's digs hurt less.

For your own part, you can decide yourself that there would be value to being less reactive (I'm working on that myself) but if somebody goads you all day and then you snap, I'm not sure that an apology is going to change anything.

What would be more valuable to you I think would be if your boyfriend recognised the dynamic and told his brother to stop goading you.

You should apologise. End of. What he chooses to do is of no concern, it’s your behaviours that count here.

This stance of “well he made me” is stupid and very immature.

How sorry should I be? Which bit should I be sorry for? Who should be the sorriest first? I think this has more to do with emotional maturity than apologies.

Oh, I missed that your boyfriend is pressuring you to apologise to his brat of a brother.
Do you know what, tell them both to fuck off and move on. You'd be pushing water uphill trying to get your boyfriend to see the goading.

Don’t be such a petulant child. This would piss me off with 6 year olds.

I'd be interested to know the exact words he said to engender that response, given that you are the poster who cried when he didn't get ID'd, and therefore (I would assume) possibly prone to overreaction.

All sounds very immature.
Either you are sorry or you aren’t, it shouldn’t depend on someone else being sorry first

Ps, I'd look at teal swan's video about the villain / victim power dynamic and see that your bf's brother wants the power that comes with being the victim. My mother does this so I'm so familiar with it but she explains it so well.
Also though, google videos about how to be less reactive. Breath in four, Breath out in 6, chew gum, count backwards in spanish. It takes you out of your lizard brain and back in your thoughts.

oh really?!

Ok,
ciao.

I dunno...can you articulate an example of the brother being snide? Is he like that in general or just to you?
I don't know if it's the case that you dislike him and are resentful and jealous of your bf's close relationship with him...or if he's a genuine shit and you've been pushed to the limit.

Oh gosh I remember that. One of the most ridiculous things I had read on here!

Oh its you again.

Oh gosh I remember that. One of the most ridiculous things I had read on here!

Saw your username and I know YABVU before reading your post. You're an absolute menace of a rude drama queen.

Saw your username and I know YABVU before reading your post. You're an absolute menace of a rude drama queen.

Saw your username and I know YABVU before reading your post. You're an absolute menace of a rude drama queen.

Oh it's you.

Yes YABVU.

Is this the same brother who didn't mind read that you don't like Chinese so you stormed out of his house without saying thanks for having MeV

Oh it's you.

Yes YABVU.

Is this the same brother who didn't mind read that you don't like Chinese so you stormed out of his house without saying thanks for having MeV

OK I voted yanbu because I think people who needle others in the way you say the brother did do push people to their limits and have it coming. But given what other posters have said re you crying cos you weren't ID'd and other issues, I'm starting to think you sound like a drama queen who overreacts in which case you should apologise.

Oh it's you.

Yes YABVU.

Is this the same brother who didn't mind read that you don't like Chinese so you stormed out of his house without saying thanks for having me?