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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only apologise if I am apologised to or AIBU?

181 replies

Keyansier · 09/01/2023 20:17

I will just be upfront from the start and say what I said and get it out the way. I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it. A brief bit of background before I say what the comment was: My boyfriend (we are in a same sex relationship) has a younger brother who is considered the golden child of the family and always gets what he wants, no questions asked. He is quite arrogant and thinks highly of himself but my boyfriend puts him on a pedestal and is always fussing about him. I am not enthralled by him and he seems to take great exception to that.

A bit of background before the incident: My boyfriends brother is very annoying and will deliberately wind me up sneakily and then act like nothing happened. For example: He will make nasty comments and then pretend he didn't say anything when I react and sit back and act innocent while I am reacting to what he said. He does it a lot. So yesterday, after it being very relentless all day, I ended up snapping, big time. He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat". I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that. He did wind me up, but that is not an excuse at all. I was drunk (we all were) but that is not an excuse either and I'm not going to hide behind it.

I am in 100% agreement that I should apologise but I also feel like it's not all completely my fault and I either do not need to apologise for it all, or also deserve an apology from his for his hand in it by purposely winding me up. My bf has said his brother is very upset (I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse) and has said I need to apologise, which I agree with, but I don't think I should be made to give one if not getting one back. Just gathering opinions: Does anyone think my stance is unreasonable from reading that or understandable where I'm coming from?

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 09/01/2023 21:58

Same brother who invited you for dinner the week before Xmas and you wrongly assumed they would be cooking Christmas dinner and when they ordered Chinese food you sat there with a face like a slapped arse (after looking round their kitchen and asking "aren't you going to cook for us?") And then refused to say thank you?

Yes, YABVU. As per usual.

Christ just break up with the boyfriend - everyone's life would be less stressful then because you wouldn't have to mix with the brother and AIBU wouldn't have to read your latest cascade of dramatics every other week.

dicker · 09/01/2023 22:02

every post you make somehow reveals you to be even more petty, juvenile and unhinged than the one before. somehow

ClubhouseGift · 09/01/2023 22:04

You don’t apologise to receive an apology. You apologise because you mean it. You clearly don’t.

roarfeckingroarr · 09/01/2023 22:04

This thread will go like the OP's usual threads. Many people will say he's unreasonable, he will disagree and say everyone else is unreasonable; it will descend.

Athena51 · 09/01/2023 22:18

I haven't even read this and yes you're being unreasonable because it's you and being unreasonable is your raison d'etre.

Am I being unreasonable in coming to this judgment? Possibly, but I don't give a toss.

RocketSurgeon · 09/01/2023 22:22

Well that answers my ponderance "I wonder if Keyansier is as rude as this in real life?".

Voice0fReason · 09/01/2023 22:27

Honestly, you sound like a group of 12-year-olds.
I don't know why any of you bother, it all sounds like hard work.
This is not normal adult behaviour. None of it.

vodkaredbullgirl · 09/01/2023 22:29

Grow up

Bunce1 · 09/01/2023 23:01

you Sound like my year 9 bottom set maths class. Zero empathy or critical thinking skills they are stuck in a rinse and repeat of “yeah but no but yeah right”

evemillbank · 09/01/2023 23:09

Oh it's you. You're hard work! You need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Not blaming everything on your partners brother.

Saz12 · 09/01/2023 23:23

YABU.

Apologize IF you’re sorry for your aggressive behaviour. If you’re not sorry, then don’t apologise. Where’s the problem!

If you think threatening someone who you feel has been rude to you is acceptable then you’re not sorry, so why lie and say you are?

Loachworks · 10/01/2023 00:11

Based on what you've written, if you threatened my brother with physical violence for that you'd be history so there'd be no need for your fake apology. Your partner must be a saint to put up with your dramatics.

sparkles778 · 10/01/2023 00:20

You sound incredibly immature. If you are sorry about something, you apologise. It shouldn't be a game of "I'll only apologise if you do first". Honestly sounds like you're back in the playground.

JudyGeller · 10/01/2023 00:34

🍿just here for the inevitable tantrum that’s going to come from OP……..

ConfusedNT · 10/01/2023 00:44

You are unreasonable, and from posts I have seen from you on here you often cannot recognise your own unreasonable/rude behaviour and you can be incredibly pedantic. So I wonder what the brothers side of the story would be?

Pixiedust1234 · 10/01/2023 01:12

I read your last thread about the takeaway. Its time you stop socialising with him which means an honest conversation with your bf. He can see his brother by himself.

Pixiedust1234 · 10/01/2023 01:17

@roarfeckingroarr my god, you really did roar on this thread, half the posts are yours 😂😂

(Yes I know it was a server glitch but so funny with your username)

NumberTheory · 10/01/2023 03:36

Definitely don’t apologise unless he apologizes first. If you just go around apologizing when you’ve said stuff even you know you shouldn’t have said you won’t be able to milk the drama at all.

Ideally, I think, some posts on social media followed by a tiff with you boyfriend and some crying (which you can also post about), before a begrudging semi-apology from you both that’s just enough to get you in the same room again for a reprise.

Lavender14 · 10/01/2023 03:44

My take on it would be that you apologise for something because you're genuinely sorry, not because you want something from the other person.

What I would do in the scenario is figure out first what your boundary needs to be with him. Do you need to go low or no contact, do you need to be direct with him and say if you do x then I will get up and leave the conversation etc then tell your partner what this boundary is, that you feel strongly about it and you don't need him to be involved but you do need him to support you so things don't escalate in future. Then I'd either apologise and start enacting your boundary, or apologise and explain the boundary to the brother and then start enacting it.

It sounds like he's someone you're going to clash with so you need to have a plan in place for when he provokes you and then you follow that plan. I probably wouldn't drink around him either if that makes it harder for you to walk away when you need to.

He can only provoke you if you continue to give him the opportunity. You just need to find the right way to shut him down when he tries and move on.

HoppingPavlova · 10/01/2023 03:48

Hang on, is the Chinese takeaway/Xmas meal poster the same as the milk tray gift drama poster, or two separate people?

BadNomad · 10/01/2023 03:49

You are obsessed with this brother. Why? And why do you keep spending time with him? Let your bf see his brother on his own.

To answer your question, in this situation, there is no point in either of you apologising because it would be fake. You clearly hate each other and need to stay away from each other.

Remaker · 10/01/2023 03:53

If you did something bad that you are sorry for, apologise. It’s pointless and childish to demand apologies from other people because they are meaningless. Just own your own behaviour and resolve to do better.

dolor · 10/01/2023 04:02

I feel like I've just seen an episode of Vicious (Ian McKellen & Derek Jacobi). In all seriousness though, how long has this stuff been happening, is it a recent thing or have you been living around these levels of toxicity for a while? If you can't all be civil around one another, perhaps you shouldn't be around each other at all?

At one point it will just create godawful resentment and bitterness.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/01/2023 04:13

LTB
or Mumsnet?

daybroke · 10/01/2023 04:17

Buy him a box of roses as an apology? Or maybe some Chinese food?

It's you. You are being unreasonable because you never act like an adult and you see offence in every interaction.

You must have a golden cock or something because if I was your boyfriend I'd have got rid of you long ago.

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