To only apologise if I am apologised to or AIBU?

[Keyansier]

I will just be upfront from the start and say what I said and get it out the way. I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it. A brief bit of background before I say what the comment was: My boyfriend (we are in a same sex relationship) has a younger brother who is considered the golden child of the family and always gets what he wants, no questions asked. He is quite arrogant and thinks highly of himself but my boyfriend puts him on a pedestal and is always fussing about him. I am not enthralled by him and he seems to take great exception to that.

A bit of background before the incident: My boyfriends brother is very annoying and will deliberately wind me up sneakily and then act like nothing happened. For example: He will make nasty comments and then pretend he didn't say anything when I react and sit back and act innocent while I am reacting to what he said. He does it a lot. So yesterday, after it being very relentless all day, I ended up snapping, big time. He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat". I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that. He did wind me up, but that is not an excuse at all. I was drunk (we all were) but that is not an excuse either and I'm not going to hide behind it.

I am in 100% agreement that I should apologise but I also feel like it's not all completely my fault and I either do not need to apologise for it all, or also deserve an apology from his for his hand in it by purposely winding me up. My bf has said his brother is very upset (I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse) and has said I need to apologise, which I agree with, but I don't think I should be made to give one if not getting one back. Just gathering opinions: Does anyone think my stance is unreasonable from reading that or understandable where I'm coming from?

@Keyansier

Do you think that your expectations of people might be skewed or unusual and / or that you might react to things disproportionately?

That's a genuine question. Because many of your threads seem to be about people's behaviour upsetting you / them wronging you etc.

And when people say they think your reaction is disproportionate you seem to default to being very defensive or quite rude. Or say people don't understand what you're explaining rather than acknowledging they do understand but just disagree with you.

I wondered if people's responses had given you any opportunity to reflect on any of that and consider that the issue isn't always external to you.

The ID one was a good example.

He was pretty nasty on that thread, but not as nasty as some. What a bloody weird thread that is!

OP, if you will only 'apologise' if BF's brother apologises too, that isn't making an apology, that's a twisted tit-for-tat exchange. An apology is an acknowledgement you did something wrong and regret it.

No matter what anyone else did, the minute you are threatening violence you are in the wrong. No one can "push you" or "make you" behave like that. The brother making fun of you may have been being annoying, but threats are never ok.

He had a go at the poster twice after she apologised and refused to drop the subject.

I only brought it up because in the context of this thread he is complaining that the same thing happened to him that happened to the other poster on the thread I.e. they used a word wrong.

But in the other posters case she apologised, and then @Keyansier accused her of being entitled, after she apologised.

And in @Keyansier case he threatened physical violence on someone which seems far more entitled than a poster apologising.

It's the irony of his complaint about the other posters reaction to him when his reaction in the same situation was extremely aggressive

*Your post also has a ring of 'you made me do it', 'you wound me up so I had not choice' etc that comes with male aggression and violence of abusers. Along with a hint of separating your boyfriend from his family.

This is why I feel people on here either accidentally or purposely misunderstand me and take delight in it. What you wrote above is the very OPPOSITE of what I specifically wrote in the OP where I said all of my actions were absolutely NOT an excuse for what I did. Did you not see that part of my post?*

I didn't accidentally or purposefully misunderstand you or take delight in it.

The moment you say:

I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it

It sounds a little bit like

I should have hit you but you made me do it which is basically what you threatened to do

I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it

Everything before the but is bullshit.

Far too much time on your hands, maybe take up a hobby? Learn to cook Chinese food perhaps?

@Keyansier (wearily) why don't you just stay away from your partner's brother? You clearly can't stand each other and it must be stressful for everyone around you. Give it a few months and perhaps try again, on neutral ground perhaps.

“In my defence” is what my 14 year old says when he gets pulled up for being a little git

I feel like these threads can be summoned up with:

OP: this person doesn't like me and I don't think it's me

Posters: I think from what you describe it might be you

OP: posters don't like me and I don't think it's me

OP you have a very confrontational posting style. You come across as knowing you are right and that anyone who disagrees must be wrong and out to get you.

Is your behaviour similar in real life?

there is a big difference between teasing someonevfor using the wrong word, and your aggressive outburst.you say in your post you are sorry, so apologise.He behaved badly, and in my opinion you do deserve an apolog,but it is down to him whether he is big enough to apologiseand has no bearing on you doing the right thing

I agree with SoupDragon. That thread is awful, but Keyansier is in no way the worst on it. It appears that he was in the crossfire simply for being male at the start. All I would say to you Keyansier is to learn to walk away, these spats really aren't worth it (online and in real life).

No @Strugglingtodomybest so many people on here remember his NN, as I do, because of the constant low-level drip of sexism. I remember very few names, hardly any newish ones. But I do remember OP, because when I see it, my heart sinks and I know it's going to be some apologist, sexist nonsense. Telling women off.

And here he's threatening to punch someone's teeth down their throat and STILL he feels attacked and put upon and can't understand.

If he hates his BF's brother, he should avoid him. If he dislikes women's opinions he should avoid MN. If he loves conflict and feeling like a victim, he should carry on just as he is.

Classic OP.

OP: AIBU?
Many posters: yes
OP: you're wrong and what's more, you were wrong about me in other threads. I am the victim ME ME ME.

It's never you, is it @Keyansier? And you seem to have great difficulty comprehending posts where people patiently (or not) explain to you why you are/were at fault.

I think you must have a very strong masochistic streak to keep coming back to MN for more.

OP.
You've really struggled with the fact that your bf keeps buying expensive gifts / giving large amounts of money to his brother. Resentful in fact.
You've made it very clear that you can't stand the brother. Your bf is never going to dump his brother in favour of you.

It's very telling that you don't live together either.

This relationship just isn't working but I just don't understand how your boyfriend keeps seeing you due to your excessively dramatic scenarios .

Just move on with your life... you're really not happy are you?

@Keyansier based on that other thread I am not sure there is any point in your BFs brother apologising as you will just accuse him of trying to rewrite history.

You keep quoting your OP stating that you accept that you were wrong but you are failing to acknowledge that your OP and subsequent posts are also full of phrases like 'in my defence' or 'pressed to my limit'. These read as justifications for your behaviour - if you are justifying the behaviour your not really accepting you are wrong.

As for your point:

Yes, this sums up a lot of things, and like I have said in this thread and others: That people see my username and automatically disagree with me, just because it's me, without even reading what I wrote, which is par for the course for me.

You do understand that it is not that people have just taken exception to your username without cause - they have seen and/or interacted with you on previous threads and have formed this opinion based on that evidence. I am sorry to tell you that nothing you have said so far today will go anyway to changing the perception.

OP

One of the first of your threads I read was you putting chocolates that were a present from your partner's brother into the bin
The next one was you taking your partner's phone off him because you didn't want him to speak to someone
Now you are making violent threats (once, and then repeating the threat even though the brother had not said anything further to you)

i think it's worth considering, as a couple of posters have suggested, whether you have an 'abusive mindset'.

@Keyansier wasn't nasty on the Downton thread, although the poster joining at the end to try to stir things up...
OP you've said you know YABU, I agree. It really depends how your BIL acted towards you and what he said/did to provoke such a reaction. Threatening violence is not okay, but I can see why you snapped if he's constantly picking on you and your partner just sits back and watches.

Well whether or not you can 'reach me' your words are violent and intimidating so yes I feel absolute empathy for the victim, particularly as it sounds like you have form for inappropriate exchanges with him.
, I don't walk around through life randomly punching people on the street, in this situation I was pressed to a limit, and besides, unless I, or a family member was being physically attacked and hurt by a woman, I see no reason to be physically violent towards any.

Oh so violence is ok if you are pressed to the limit? Seeing as your limit seems to be not being asked for Id in adulthood or being given the wrong sodding takeaway I would say yes you are a potentially violent person and it's a shame others have to navigate the world with people like you in it.

You sound like an abuser to me. I think your boyfriend should ltb. But I'm not entirely sure that you can be real as surely no one is this lacking in self awareness.

I was the poster on the Downton thread and I'd agree that Keyansier wasn't horrible on it. I took something in the wrong way (in conflation with other posters' comments) and was antagonistic. However, he didn't appreciate any attempt on my part to apologise (I guess feeling that it was some kind of attempt to rewrite the situation) so I can't imagine that any apology would be helpful in this situation either.

On this situation, I don't think it's okay to threaten to punch someone's teeth down their neck, no matter how provocative the situation. It's probably a good idea to avoid interacting with this guy if you find him very difficult to be around.

OP has way too much drama going on with his life amd it often has something to do with his partner and his partner's brother.

Is there someone you can talk to in RL about your relationship problems? TBH, it doesn't sound like a relationship worth salvaging with that much drama. There's very little respect fro what I can see in your posts.

You are unreasonable, however he wound you up. You don't speak to people like that.

I will repeat what i said earlier, you need to stop being around the brother as your last few threads have been him vs you. Its not healthy. Let your bf see his family by himself.

But WHERE and WHEN? Genuinely I am asking this because I don't think of myself as a sexist person at all. Can you link to any examples? I would be quite horrified if someone posted a post from me and said "this is an example of you being sexist" and it was true. But otherwise I feel like it's coming across just because I sometimes disagree with people's posts on here that were posted from women that means I am disagreeing with them simply because they are female, which isn't true.