Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To only apologise if I am apologised to or AIBU?

181 replies

Keyansier · 09/01/2023 20:17

I will just be upfront from the start and say what I said and get it out the way. I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it. A brief bit of background before I say what the comment was: My boyfriend (we are in a same sex relationship) has a younger brother who is considered the golden child of the family and always gets what he wants, no questions asked. He is quite arrogant and thinks highly of himself but my boyfriend puts him on a pedestal and is always fussing about him. I am not enthralled by him and he seems to take great exception to that.

A bit of background before the incident: My boyfriends brother is very annoying and will deliberately wind me up sneakily and then act like nothing happened. For example: He will make nasty comments and then pretend he didn't say anything when I react and sit back and act innocent while I am reacting to what he said. He does it a lot. So yesterday, after it being very relentless all day, I ended up snapping, big time. He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat". I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that. He did wind me up, but that is not an excuse at all. I was drunk (we all were) but that is not an excuse either and I'm not going to hide behind it.

I am in 100% agreement that I should apologise but I also feel like it's not all completely my fault and I either do not need to apologise for it all, or also deserve an apology from his for his hand in it by purposely winding me up. My bf has said his brother is very upset (I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse) and has said I need to apologise, which I agree with, but I don't think I should be made to give one if not getting one back. Just gathering opinions: Does anyone think my stance is unreasonable from reading that or understandable where I'm coming from?

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/01/2023 05:50

I voted YABU on the basis that it's you. I couldn't even be bothered to read what you were offended about this time. You're just not very likeable are you!

MargotMoon · 10/01/2023 06:22

You need to be the bigger person and apologise. He's your BF's brother, he will always be there, either learn to get along and rise above his winding you up or it will drive a wedge into your relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2023 06:22

JudyGeller · 10/01/2023 00:34

🍿just here for the inevitable tantrum that’s going to come from OP……..

Me too.

<settles in>

This thread gives so much context to all the PPs on all the threads.

vvvvb · 10/01/2023 06:23

Why do you spend any time with his brother?

I think you need to not drink so much especially anywhere near his brother

Actually, stay sober and watch everyone else get drunk it is quite fun

Each time you go anywhere near this man you should play "silent bingo" in your head with his goading and comments.

So before you meet up you decide what comments or words you expect him to say to you and then when he does you tick it off in your head

So turn it into a game in your head

You can't control him but you can control your reactions

What did your BF say?

YABU but doubt you will change

MargotMoon · 10/01/2023 06:24

Plus you threatened to smash somebody's face in which is completely toxic behaviour, even if you were drunk

harriethoyle · 10/01/2023 06:29

@HoppingPavlova the same 🙄

OP yabu as always. HTH.

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 10/01/2023 07:46

Athena51 · 09/01/2023 22:18

I haven't even read this and yes you're being unreasonable because it's you and being unreasonable is your raison d'etre.

Am I being unreasonable in coming to this judgment? Possibly, but I don't give a toss.

Same!

doingitforyorkshire · 10/01/2023 07:52

Just read the first page of posts and I want to change my vote to yabu.
I was going to give you the benefit of doubt based on the fact that being constantly 'got at' can be infuriating and does need to be stamped out, this is despite the fact that you were ott about it, I get what made you do it.
However, if you were that posted who had the huff due to not being id'd then you are clearly prone to overreacting and yabu.

Gazelda · 10/01/2023 07:54

If you're sorry, then apologise. That's all there is to it.

Having said that, I think your BF and his family might need a break from your drama. Either calm down, grow up or end the relationship while you find some perspective and maturity.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 10/01/2023 08:03

If someone is making comments to wind you up you have a whole host of reasonable, grown up actions you can take.

You could:

  • walk away
  • ask them to stop
  • explain calmly why their comments are annoying
  • choose not to meet them at all

Instead you threatened to smash their teeth in. You need to apologise because it's never appropriate to threaten physical violence, even if the person is annoying you.

Having read previous posts you've written though it seems unlikely you'll learn anything from this.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 10/01/2023 08:09

Threats of physical violence are never acceptable. Ever.

your partner should walk away.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 10/01/2023 08:22

Threats of male violence are unacceptable and you should be ashamed of yourself.

It’s got nothing to do with you being gay, or being goaded, or not meaning it. You physically threatened someone else and it’s appalling.

I suggest you get yourself to therapy and anger management class.

Hoppinggreen · 10/01/2023 08:45

ThinWomansBrain · 10/01/2023 04:13

LTB
or Mumsnet?

If only

HushLittleBabyDontYouCry · 10/01/2023 08:47

I feel intimidated just reading that. What a horrible example of male violence. Really disproves the myth that gay men are somehow immune from toxic masculinity.

And yes, yabu. You always are.

Newwardrobe · 10/01/2023 08:48

Oh gawd it's you again- you are always unreasonable

Bard6817 · 10/01/2023 08:53

Knowing these types of individuals it’s a difficult one. I understand your reaction. There are some vile people who have learnt there are few consequences in life.

Id decline the opportunity to ever be in the brothers presence again. You can explain to your bf, why.

What that means for your relationship is upto your brother though. If he chooses to end it because of that or how you’ve reacted, it’s probably dodging a bullet and hard as that might be, long term you’ll probably be better off.

Onnabugeisha · 10/01/2023 08:53

YABVU

Threats of physical violence are beyond the pale and actually, you could be landed with a fine for it if your boyfriends brother went to the police.

Your boyfriends brother being a bit of a dick and mocking you for a word that made you feel stupid isn’t an excuse for how you behaved or what you said.

In fact, you seem to have the mentality of an abusive person- by claiming your victim ‘made’ you issue threats of physical violence by ‘winding you up’ and that they should ‘apologise first’. I think you need help for your anger and how to manage dicks without resorting to threats of physical violence.

ConfusedNT · 10/01/2023 08:55

Your post also has a ring of 'you made me do it', 'you wound me up so I had not choice' etc that comes with male aggression and violence of abusers. Along with a hint of separating your boyfriend from his family.

As someone else said you had the option to walk away and instead you chose aggression.

You probably won't pay any attention to this but if you do I would seriously consider getting help with your anger if i were you.

WhatDoYouWantNow · 10/01/2023 08:57

Are you all still off school at the moment?

ConfusedNT · 10/01/2023 08:58

Also I would have more sympathy for you being mocked for using a word incorrectly if i hadnt just been reading a thread where you spent about 5 or so posts berating a woman pedantically for using a word in a way that you thought was wrong, refusing to accept her apology and continuing to berate her...

MrsPuggyWuggy · 10/01/2023 09:01

I’m just here for the usual deletion message that always pops up when keyansier hasn’t got the answers he wantedGrin

On most threads that have a clear cut answer/outcome, there will always be someone who makes sure they post something with the complete opposite opinion, often being rude and insulting. I always know it is keyansier before even seeing the username

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 10/01/2023 09:10

Why hasn’t your poor boyfriend dumped you yet?

You cry when you’re not ID’d for buying booze, you object to your BF buying nice gifts with his own money for his own brother, you sulk when the brother buys a box of chocolates, you strop when you aren’t fed “Christmas type food” and moodily refuse to eat the takeaway he bought.

And now you threaten violence when he makes fun of you.

YABU. You always are. Whey you come on Mumsnet seeking validation we will never give you is beyond me.

Whitney168 · 10/01/2023 09:16

This is a genuine question, not an attack - do you ever stop and think that when you have so many issues with people, perhaps the issue is you and your behaviour?

Squirespot · 10/01/2023 09:24

Here we go again, I think your boyfriend should move on and date an adult.

Every single post of yours, makes you look more and more unreasonable.

Stop wasting everyone time.

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 09:27

Meh, he had it coming. It all sounds like more hassle than it’s worth.