To only apologise if I am apologised to or AIBU?

[Keyansier]

I will just be upfront from the start and say what I said and get it out the way. I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it. A brief bit of background before I say what the comment was: My boyfriend (we are in a same sex relationship) has a younger brother who is considered the golden child of the family and always gets what he wants, no questions asked. He is quite arrogant and thinks highly of himself but my boyfriend puts him on a pedestal and is always fussing about him. I am not enthralled by him and he seems to take great exception to that.

A bit of background before the incident: My boyfriends brother is very annoying and will deliberately wind me up sneakily and then act like nothing happened. For example: He will make nasty comments and then pretend he didn't say anything when I react and sit back and act innocent while I am reacting to what he said. He does it a lot. So yesterday, after it being very relentless all day, I ended up snapping, big time. He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat". I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that. He did wind me up, but that is not an excuse at all. I was drunk (we all were) but that is not an excuse either and I'm not going to hide behind it.

I am in 100% agreement that I should apologise but I also feel like it's not all completely my fault and I either do not need to apologise for it all, or also deserve an apology from his for his hand in it by purposely winding me up. My bf has said his brother is very upset (I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse) and has said I need to apologise, which I agree with, but I don't think I should be made to give one if not getting one back. Just gathering opinions: Does anyone think my stance is unreasonable from reading that or understandable where I'm coming from?

Oops!

Yes YABVU. You always are.

Oh no, I remember this poster! 😂😂

Am I right in thinking this is the same brother OP was rude and stroppy to over a Chinese takeaway?

Apologising only if he says it first is a pretty meaningless apology. Him being in the wrong as well shouldn't have any bearing on how you feel about your behaviour. If you regret your behaviour you should apologise.

You've said YABU for how you spoke to him, and I'd agree, can't say whether you completely overreacted as we don't know what he said and how far he went.
It does sound like it would help to look at your relationship though. If my partner's brother said anything unkind to or about me, he would pull him up for it there and then. Yours just seems to sit back and let it happen, which isn't really okay.

How can someone “stare sarcastically”?

YABU.
But you know that

You threatened someone with violence. YABU.

You sound like a bunch of 12yr olds.

Or a Harold Pinter play.

Not sure which is worse.

Ah, the oddball who never fully explains and behaves like a petulant child. Are you Sam Smith?

As ever - yes you are unreasonable.
however you will be a long in a minute doing the usual “maybe posters aren’t understanding meeeeeeeeee”
“I’m not unreasonable, why does everyone keep telling me I am”
“but poor meeeeeeeeeeee”
seriously consider therapy - this much drama in one persons life cannot be healthy

Call him out. You can say your sorry you said what you said but it was because of his behaviour. You should tell him that he is egotistical and rude and you're sick of having to put up with it, so you need to see a change in his behaviour otherwise he's not invited to go out with you all etc.

Honestly bad behaviour needs correcting. You are clearly sorry you lost it, but that's just human.

Well he's about 20 something but gets upset if they don't ID him as he thinks he looks about 15

Well you're not sorry are you so I wouldn't bother. Surely there will be another drama soon so this will all be forgotten.

You keep posting ... one drama after another ... you need to grow up, get therapy and stay single for a while.

i knew it was you after the first couple of lines 😂. YABU

Oh gawd, not you again.

Are you the poster who didn't say thank you because you had a takeaway instead of a Christmassy meal?

Yes that's what I thought.

That's a very convenient and editorial take on something that can't be disproved because the thread's deleted. What happened is not quite how you describe here.

To others that have posted: Really not sure whether people just didn't read this part, but a few posters have said I shouldn't be trying to hide behind excuses and blaming it on being wound up...but that is literally the opposite of what I said, and said that that's not any excuse.

I'm not surprised you lost it he sounds sly.
Don't apologise until this has been dealt with by your dp actually listening to you and seeing his db is not the Angel he purports to be.This could be quite telling if he sides with his brother and you may have to consider,long term,are things going to change ? You need to be able to relax around family.
hopefully,you will be supported by your dp and smooth things out genuinely with his db.
then you can both apologis e

Here we go again

Mate, you’re always the unreasonable one.

say sorry again, hope you said sorry over the Chinese and rude behaviour before christmas

you don’t need to ask.you’re rude, petulant and agressive. It’s always you