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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To only apologise if I am apologised to or AIBU?

181 replies

Keyansier · 09/01/2023 20:17

I will just be upfront from the start and say what I said and get it out the way. I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it. A brief bit of background before I say what the comment was: My boyfriend (we are in a same sex relationship) has a younger brother who is considered the golden child of the family and always gets what he wants, no questions asked. He is quite arrogant and thinks highly of himself but my boyfriend puts him on a pedestal and is always fussing about him. I am not enthralled by him and he seems to take great exception to that.

A bit of background before the incident: My boyfriends brother is very annoying and will deliberately wind me up sneakily and then act like nothing happened. For example: He will make nasty comments and then pretend he didn't say anything when I react and sit back and act innocent while I am reacting to what he said. He does it a lot. So yesterday, after it being very relentless all day, I ended up snapping, big time. He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat". I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that. He did wind me up, but that is not an excuse at all. I was drunk (we all were) but that is not an excuse either and I'm not going to hide behind it.

I am in 100% agreement that I should apologise but I also feel like it's not all completely my fault and I either do not need to apologise for it all, or also deserve an apology from his for his hand in it by purposely winding me up. My bf has said his brother is very upset (I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse) and has said I need to apologise, which I agree with, but I don't think I should be made to give one if not getting one back. Just gathering opinions: Does anyone think my stance is unreasonable from reading that or understandable where I'm coming from?

OP posts:
BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 09:28

Oh, I’ve just seen who’s posting 😂

EyesOnThePies · 10/01/2023 09:45

I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that.

This is the basis of apology. Apology is not transactional. If you feel that, say so.

It is also OK to say “When you make comments like xyz I feel insulted and dismissed. It seems very rude and I wonder why you do it’. But NOT as a justification or ‘yes but..’ for using threatening violent language.

Did they send for another Chinese Takeaway?

daybroke · 10/01/2023 09:46

Jesus you were so rude on that other thread. Picking at that poster. Were you drunk then too?

EyesOnThePies · 10/01/2023 09:48

Whitwhit · 09/01/2023 21:14

How can someone “stare sarcastically”?

Ooh, I think I can do a great sarcastic stare!

(but I am NOT the BIL)

SleeplessInEngland · 10/01/2023 09:54

As soon as I read this I knew it was the chinese food thread starter.

Your boyfriend must have the patience of a saint, let's put it that way.

MavisMcMinty · 10/01/2023 09:55

Dear OP, I’ve been on MN for just 5 weeks and even I know your username and your ridiculous made-up “problems” where you are always extremely unreasonable, childish and narcissistic.

bridgetreilly · 10/01/2023 09:59

YABU to constantly post these ridiculous incidents on MN rather than dealing with them like a grown up.

FallopianTubeTrain · 10/01/2023 10:06

HoppingPavlova · 10/01/2023 03:48

Hang on, is the Chinese takeaway/Xmas meal poster the same as the milk tray gift drama poster, or two separate people?

Same Llama, many dramas

BunchHarman · 10/01/2023 10:11

daybroke · 10/01/2023 09:46

Jesus you were so rude on that other thread. Picking at that poster. Were you drunk then too?

Christ, which thread was that @daybroke ?

This poster is always so, so unreasonable. 😂

daybroke · 10/01/2023 10:15

What positives do you get out of posting here @Keyansier ? Are you some sort of masochist?

TrashyPanda · 10/01/2023 10:21

I think you need to stand back, and take a good long look at all the issues you have with other people.

MrsPuggyWuggy · 10/01/2023 10:26

Also in September the op was posting about being single and how unfair it was that most things are made for couples/families. So either they have loads of boyfriends who all have horrible brothers, or the poor boyfriend keeps taking op back for some unknown reason

MavisMcMinty · 10/01/2023 10:32

Let’s pretend for a minute that you’re a genuine poster with a genuine problem - why do you continue to meet your partner’s brother when you and he constantly rub each other up the wrong way? None of you benefit, so why do you go along when they meet? Are you so needy and possessive that you insist on going along, just in case they talk about you and what a total ‘mare you are?

vvvvb · 10/01/2023 10:51

Having read the other posts

It seems this is a pattern of behaviour with you in the past so YABVU

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 10/01/2023 10:56

I remember when you were raging at your friend when you didn't get asked for ID. That friend called you an attention seeker. Do you not think there's a tiny bit of truth in that? I'm being generous using the word tiny

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 10/01/2023 11:32

Having read several of your dramas in previous threads... going forward it would be safe to assume, in any situation, that you are the unreasonable one.

Chikapu · 10/01/2023 11:59

Is there anyone in your life that you actually manage to get on with? You seem really difficult.

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 13:17

I'm just about to respond to a few posts on here. I'll be accused no doubt of mansplaining and trying to brush things what I said off, but I'm not doing either, and do feel that I have a right to defend myself against accusations levelled against me and reply to some posts.

@MrsPuggyWuggy
Also in September the op was posting about being single and how unfair it was that most things are made for couples/families. So either they have loads of boyfriends who all have horrible brothers, or the poor boyfriend keeps taking op back for some unknown reason

This is a prime example of something I brought up on another thread quite recently where people falsely attributed a post to me and then subsequently other people accused me of things I didn't even say in the first place. I did NOT say that I was single on the thread you are talking about, I was talking about the difficulties of living in a single person HOUSE people face when they are faced with suddenly not living in the same house as their partner. But anyone reading what you just wrote and not familiar with the thread itself might have automatically taken your words to be true, when they're not. On another thread I was repeatedly asked to explain myself from multiple users about something another poster said I had said when I didn't!

@daybroke
Jesus you were so rude on that other thread. Picking at that poster. Were you drunk then too?

What poster? What thread? I have no idea what you are talking about here.

@EyesOnThePies
This is the basis of apology. Apology is not transactional. If you feel that, say so.
It is also OK to say “When you make comments like xyz I feel insulted and dismissed. It seems very rude and I wonder why you do it’. But NOT as a justification or ‘yes but..’ for using threatening violent language.

I've read this multiple times but have no idea what you're trying to say.

@ConfusedNT
Also I would have more sympathy for you being mocked for using a word incorrectly if i hadnt just been reading a thread where you spent about 5 or so posts berating a woman pedantically for using a word in a way that you thought was wrong, refusing to accept her apology and continuing to berate her...

Are you sure this was me? It doesn't sound like me, or any thread I've been on recently, perhaps a similar username to mine?

@ConfusedNT
Your post also has a ring of 'you made me do it', 'you wound me up so I had not choice' etc that comes with male aggression and violence of abusers. Along with a hint of separating your boyfriend from his family.

This is why I feel people on here either accidentally or purposely misunderstand me and take delight in it. What you wrote above is the very OPPOSITE of what I specifically wrote in the OP where I said all of my actions were absolutely NOT an excuse for what I did. Did you not see that part of my post?

@HushLittleBabyDontYouCry
I feel intimidated just reading that. What a horrible example of male violence. Really disproves the myth that gay men are somehow immune from toxic masculinity.

That's just ridiculous, sorry. Unless you think for some reason I am sitting next to you or in your immediate available vicinity, you're just exaggerating saying you feel intimidated, unless you think I have magic powers to jump through a computer screen at you? Contrary to what you might believe, I don't walk around through life randomly punching people on the street, in this situation I was pressed to a limit, and besides, unless I, or a family member was being physically attacked and hurt by a woman, I see no reason to be physically violent towards any.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush
I voted YABU on the basis that it's you. I couldn't even be bothered to read what you were offended about this time. You're just not very likeable are you!

Yes, this sums up a lot of things, and like I have said in this thread and others: That people see my username and automatically disagree with me, just because it's me, without even reading what I wrote, which is par for the course for me.

@Athena51
I haven't even read this and yes you're being unreasonable because it's you and being unreasonable is your raison d'etre.
Am I being unreasonable in coming to this judgment? Possibly, but I don't give a toss.

See above^^

Sorry, can't add any more for now, out of time. I don't think I will probably change anybody's minds here anyway (although I am in agreement with most people on here in this thread so I don't get why people are disagreeing with me)

OP posts:
daybroke · 10/01/2023 13:21

Oh it very definitely was you on the Mandela effect downton abbey thread. You were incredibly nasty and you just wouldn't let it go.

daybroke · 10/01/2023 13:23

And you so are excusing what you did. You say "I'm not excusing it" but he did ....

Everything before the but is bullshit. To quote game of thrones.

If you apologise, mean it but don't if it's all a non apology.

You sound terribly hard work.

Maybe get a take away tonight to calm down? Not Chinese though because you don't like that.

ConfusedNT · 10/01/2023 13:27

*Also I would have more sympathy for you being mocked for using a word incorrectly if i hadnt just been reading a thread where you spent about 5 or so posts berating a woman pedantically for using a word in a way that you thought was wrong, refusing to accept her apology and continuing to berate her...

Are you sure this was me? It doesn't sound like me, or any thread I've been on recently, perhaps a similar username to mine?*

It was you. Berating a woman for using a word wrong and then continuing, even after she apologised, to berate her. Which given she had said she was a second language English speaker was a pedantically craopy thing to do

Keyansier · 10/01/2023 13:30

daybroke · 10/01/2023 13:21

Oh it very definitely was you on the Mandela effect downton abbey thread. You were incredibly nasty and you just wouldn't let it go.

I genuinely, genuinely do not understand this viewpoint at all!! I will link to the thread in question. I do not see how I was being nasty at all in it?? Personally, I thought the other poster in that thread was being nasty towards me! But they said in their last post they wanted to leave it, so I didn't respond.

If anyone neutral wants to take a look into the thread and see how it turned out and say if I was the one in the wrong and can explain why and how because to me this is another example of people saying I was being nasty but I don't understand or see how I was/why people said that?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4712687-downton-abbey-mandela-effect

OP posts:
royalrecording · 10/01/2023 13:31

i have no idea who you are but there are lots of people on this thread who have engaged honestly and straightforwardly with your post with no apparent prejudice, why don’t you engage with them instead of picking fights with others? And if people are so prejudiced against you and you want an honest opinion, a name change would surely help you get a straightforward answer?

daybroke · 10/01/2023 13:35

You were so nasty on that thread.

And you've been nasty on others.

You have no self awareness at all.

Your boyfriend needs to LTB.

SoupDragon · 10/01/2023 13:46

daybroke · 10/01/2023 13:35

You were so nasty on that thread.

And you've been nasty on others.

You have no self awareness at all.

Your boyfriend needs to LTB.

I've just read that thread and don't think he was nasty. Unless he was posting under one of the other names who absolutely were. I mean, I've noticed him being an idiot on other threads but that one seems fine to me.

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