To only apologise if I am apologised to or AIBU?

[Keyansier]

I will just be upfront from the start and say what I said and get it out the way. I know what I said was wholly unreasonable. But in my defence, I was being deliberately goaded into saying it. A brief bit of background before I say what the comment was: My boyfriend (we are in a same sex relationship) has a younger brother who is considered the golden child of the family and always gets what he wants, no questions asked. He is quite arrogant and thinks highly of himself but my boyfriend puts him on a pedestal and is always fussing about him. I am not enthralled by him and he seems to take great exception to that.

A bit of background before the incident: My boyfriends brother is very annoying and will deliberately wind me up sneakily and then act like nothing happened. For example: He will make nasty comments and then pretend he didn't say anything when I react and sit back and act innocent while I am reacting to what he said. He does it a lot. So yesterday, after it being very relentless all day, I ended up snapping, big time. He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat". I'm not going to put my hands up and try to argue with anyone that saying that was of course unacceptable and unreasonable from me. I'm not going to argue against that. I feel embarrassed and ashamed I spoke to him like that. He did wind me up, but that is not an excuse at all. I was drunk (we all were) but that is not an excuse either and I'm not going to hide behind it.

I am in 100% agreement that I should apologise but I also feel like it's not all completely my fault and I either do not need to apologise for it all, or also deserve an apology from his for his hand in it by purposely winding me up. My bf has said his brother is very upset (I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse) and has said I need to apologise, which I agree with, but I don't think I should be made to give one if not getting one back. Just gathering opinions: Does anyone think my stance is unreasonable from reading that or understandable where I'm coming from?

i'm not sure what this is supposed to mean? I am agreeing with people in this thread over my behaviour.

I wasn't justifying it. I was saying the exact opposite: In despite of everything that occurred, my reaction was NOT acceptable, in any way shape or form.

I did take on board your apologies but you jumped down my throat initially and accused me of telling you you had an "inadequate female little brain" when I didn't say ANYTHING of that of the sort and all that occurred was that I happened to disagree with something you said. And then kept repeating it.

@Keyansier I explained to you why you come across as excusing your behaviour.

It's because everything before the but is bullshit is a thing. Read your op. All the stuff before a but is something that comes across as you not really thinking it. Because that's what the word but does.

I overreacted but he did this or that - as an example.

Or even. That dress is gorgeous on you but it makes your bum look big.

But I am saying the exact opposite and I'm starting to feel a bit exasperated at how people are seeing it. What I was trying to explain was that everything leading up to what I said was NOT a reason or cause for how I reacted.

You've even done it in your reply to me.

What I am saying is that's how it comes across when people read it.

It comes across as bullshit.

I'm not commenting on what you meant I'm simply telling you that your syntax means it came across completely differently due to the everything before the but is bullshit being a subconscious thing when people read it.

You can accept that or not. Up to you. But I'm actually trying to help.

How it comes across is

Everything I said up to now in this sentence or description is bullshit but this is how I really feel.

Done what in your reply to you? I don't understand.

And can you not see or read all the parts in my OP when I said it was absolutely not an excuse for what I said? That was the main theme of my post: I repeatedly said that it wasn't an excuse, I was ashamed of what I said, I reacted badly, it was unacceptable and I was unreasonable. I'm not sure what else I could have said to explain I was wrong.

No. Your behaviour wasn't right and yes, you should have apologised for what you said.

TBH I can't even believe you're asking.

He was constantly sniping at me, having a go at me about a word I had said by mistake, constantly going on about it, making me out to be stupid and thick, so in the end I said "you're lucky I don't sock you straight in the mouth for saying that". He didn't respond at first but then started staring at me in a sarcastic way so I said "Carry on looking at me like that and i'll smash your f*ing teeth right down your throat".

This paragraph illustrates just how wrong - and unnecessarily dramatic - you were. You said something wrong. You were laughed at for it. And this is the bit that's key. You don't like being laughed at or made out to be wrong IN ANY WAY. We see this in all the threads and posts from you.

Rather than letting it lie, which an adult would, you responded in a totally unnecessary way. In your own words, too, you point out that he didn't actually say anything in response to your first verbal attack - yet you responded with the threat of violence to a look from him.

Can you not see that this is a pattern of behaviour from you? You take offence very easily, perhaps when none has been intended, and then blow up in this kind of dramatic fashion.

Then you complain bitterly about being called out for it. Worse, you go on to make it all about you! When told that your boyfriend's brother was upset about your threat (and who wouldn't be?!) you say:

I don't actually believe this, I feel like it's a ploy to drum up sympathy for himself and to make me look worse

It's all about you, yet again.

So yes, you should definitely apologise, for a reaction and a comment that was totally out of order and proportion.

And have a good hard look at yourself and just THINK about all of the things that you post here, and the responses you get from other posters.

Can you not just read what I actually wrote instead of attacking me.

The first word in your reply to me was "BUT"

You do it all the time. It's yes yes yes I agree BUT

I have explained it to you. If you can't understand it I suggest you ask someone in real life.

I feel like nothing good is going to come from this thread as people aren't able to grasp where I'm coming from and I apparently can't understand where others are coming from, so won't participate in it any longer.

What you said was wrong and you should apologise. Your apology should not be conditional on his apology. It is up to him whether he apologises or not, and it’s up to you whether you apologise or not. As you’ve admitted your actions were wrong, why would you not apologise?

You've even done a similar thing here.

It's definite when you say people can't understand you but you throw shade on everyone else with the "apparently".

What I was trying to explain was that everything leading up to what I said was NOT a reason or cause for how I reacted.

Why mention it then?

Why not say ‘I threatened to smash my boyfriend’s brother’s teeth in when I was drunk. I was wound up by him but that’s not an excuse of course. My BF wants me to apologise and I agree that I should, I was out of order. Am I being unreasonable to expect his brother to apologise too for winding me up?’

You’d get the same responses though.

You can’t threaten violence and then demand an apology for someone inciting you to violence.

Take responsibility for your own actions. If necessary, remove yourself from the company of people you don’t like/who don’t like you.

Might mean splitting up with your boyfriend.

Just stop meeting the brother. It never ends well, you don’t like each other, you don’t have to see each other ever again. Yes they’ll probably bitch about you behind your back but what you don’t know can’t hurt you, or test your very troublesome, very childish temper. And for the love of dog, please stop parading your troublesome childishness all over MN and expecting your behaviour to be condoned, then blaming everyone else when we tell you how childish and troublesome you are.

You apologise by saying the behaviour you used, why it was out of line. Acknowledging it was wrong and being sorry for the impact. That you intend to never act that way again.

The situation it might have come out of had NO PLACE in an apology. Don't apologise if you're not sorry, yeah but or not liking the person that you are under stress is NOT owning the situation.

It sounds as though you're not prepared to work on yourself, and feel justified and will follow the same patterns in the future

I wasn't justifying it. I was saying the exact opposite: In despite of everything that occurred, my reaction was NOT acceptable, in any way shape or form

Ok so if everyone else is wrong and you are not trying to justify your response then why don't you think you should have to apologise without conditions?

I am genuinely asking because I do not understand why if you know your response was not acceptable that you don't also think an apology is due?

I also think you need to reread what @daybroke is saying. She is not accusing you of anything she is literally explaining that the way you have written your posts has lead to people (me as an example) telling you that you are trying to justify your behaviour.

I am sorry but ....

I know I am wrong but ....

Anything that is added after the word but acts to lessen the words before it so they don't count.

To use an example that is nothing to do with you, my niece told me yesterday:

'I am sorry I hit him but he pulled my hair'

(Babysitting is such fun) She is justifying the fact that she hit her brother, she has said the words sorry but followed them with a reason why she was justified for the action she took. Thus making her 'I am sorry' meaningless.

And so here we have the flounce.

Honestly @Keyansier you are such a child!

We all get where you're coming from!. You are the one who can't - or won't - admit that just, possibly, perhaps it might be you?

If only he would flounce off the whole site rather than just this thread

That will be a relief

🤣 You can't just accept you're in the wrong can you?

You come across as condescending and rude and clearly like to have the last word because you think you're always right.

You've got so many posters backs up over the last few months but still can't see that maybe you're the problem.

Oh Keyansier. You get to this point on nearly every thread you start.

Until you are able to reframe your approach to taking responsibility for your own feelings & actions, this is where you will remain stuck - "nobody will agree with me, so I am going to double down & keep digging."

You & your b/f's brother heartily dislike each other, so why are you bothering to socialise with him? He winds you up, you feel he takes advantage of your b/f, you cannot have an evening in each other's company without some upset being caused - would it not be simpler to just stop seeing him, & leave your b/f to handle their relationship solo?

You only apologize if you’re in the wrong, I don’t think you were. Play him at his own game & keep giving him the odd little kick, punch, or grab him by the throat. Just play fighting like.

Yet another Keyaniser thread that makes me long for a "Hide Posts from this Username" option...