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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:25

Is she doing his boss a favour if he swaps weekends for work? Or his friend a favour when he swaps weekends to go out? Or his favourite football team a favour when he swaps because they're playing at home?

No? She is doing him a favour and him alone because the child has only two parents. If you genuinely think the above is true maybe op could ask his boss to do the school run next time she's in a pinch.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 19:26

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 19:16

It's not wife work if ALL the adults are doing what they can to help relationships run smoothly. So both parents would be a bit flexible if the other wanted to change contact days. Or step parent does the odd school drop off to help either of the parents. Or ex wife/husband minds the dog, or the half siblings of their own child to help out in a pinch.
If everyone did this, then the kids in these families wouldn't be feeling in the way or clearly demarcated as only their parent's responsibility problem !
Wife work is when the husband dies fuck all and expects his wife to do all his thinking and organising for him - it's not the occasional favour to help out!

Wifework encompasses kinkeeping - the work of strengthening familial ties. And it’s fascinating how being a woman seems to make this your responsibility - even where it’s not your kin.

Your husband’s ex is not your kin. She’s not even his kin any longer (hence the divorce), just a coparent to some of his children.

The children might feel better if their parents didn’t treat their stepmother as their nanny.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 19:30

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 19:20

I never said she was! But she IS married to a parent and that child is part of her family.
And it most definitely is a favour to the step parent if the ex agrees to swap weekends so that step mum and her husband can go away for a weekend, to celebrate her birthday for example. That's not a favour to the ex alone.

My MIL is part of my family (by marriage, just like stepchildren are). Do I have to behave like she’s my mother? Or expect her to treat me as if I’m her daughter?

It’s only a favour to the stepmother if you view her as a mere extension of her husband. She’s not.

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 19:35

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 19:16

It's not wife work if ALL the adults are doing what they can to help relationships run smoothly. So both parents would be a bit flexible if the other wanted to change contact days. Or step parent does the odd school drop off to help either of the parents. Or ex wife/husband minds the dog, or the half siblings of their own child to help out in a pinch.
If everyone did this, then the kids in these families wouldn't be feeling in the way or clearly demarcated as only their parent's responsibility problem !
Wife work is when the husband dies fuck all and expects his wife to do all his thinking and organising for him - it's not the occasional favour to help out!

Well so far the ex appears to be leaving the cooking and the ferrying around to his wife, and emergency childcare to his ex wife along with dog sitting. So I think he does expect a fair amount of wife work actually

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:37

onyttig · 09/01/2023 19:13

Yep. I’m looking after your own child is not a favour to a woman who isn’t that child’s parent. Even if it facilitates her husband being able to do something she wants to do.

It’s a favour for him so he can do something with his wife. The reciprocity is that he needs to be flexible and do favours the other way too.

But his wife is not merely an extension of him who shares his responsibilities. She’s an entirely separate person who happens to be married to the OP’s ex.

Yup. But stepmum will be the one who feels the sting if the ex won't be at all flexible & why would she if this is the type of attitude a lot of stepmums have.

Bye bye long weekends if it needs changes
Bye bye holidays If it needs changes/dog sitting
Bye bye birthday nights out if it needs changes

Because we all know a lot of men won't make alternate arrangements because the decent men won't palm their kids off on babysitters etc

And if he's the type that expects stepmum to be nanny then he's the type that probs won't make other arrangements, why exactly are you with this Prince amongst men? It's clear why first wife got rid.

So if ex wife & her family won't pick up slack with their child then I guess new wife best suck it up.
She won't be getting to go out any time whatsoever that is meant to be contact time.

The point must be getting exceedingly clear even to the most furious & indignant amongst second/third wives or using first wives.

Most decent people try to make things as easy &'flexible as possible and not take the piss out of others.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:40

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:37

Yup. But stepmum will be the one who feels the sting if the ex won't be at all flexible & why would she if this is the type of attitude a lot of stepmums have.

Bye bye long weekends if it needs changes
Bye bye holidays If it needs changes/dog sitting
Bye bye birthday nights out if it needs changes

Because we all know a lot of men won't make alternate arrangements because the decent men won't palm their kids off on babysitters etc

And if he's the type that expects stepmum to be nanny then he's the type that probs won't make other arrangements, why exactly are you with this Prince amongst men? It's clear why first wife got rid.

So if ex wife & her family won't pick up slack with their child then I guess new wife best suck it up.
She won't be getting to go out any time whatsoever that is meant to be contact time.

The point must be getting exceedingly clear even to the most furious & indignant amongst second/third wives or using first wives.

Most decent people try to make things as easy &'flexible as possible and not take the piss out of others.

Show quote history

So the step mum should suck it up so the two actual parents.... Parent and don't throw their toys out in petty revenge?

Wowsers. You've inadvertently showed us all why being a step mother is a thankless and miserable position a lot of the time.

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:43

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BadNomad · 09/01/2023 19:46

Maybe your ex is a lazy shit who leaves all the parenting and responsibility for their joint child to his wife, so when he asked her to do the school drop off for his other child she said fuck no. I mean, this woman has to farm her own kid out to other people when she needs a break. So it doesn't sound like she gets much support from her own husband.

But, yes, let's automatically blame the woman/evil-SM instead.

toocold54 · 09/01/2023 19:49

I do wonder if those who don’t think the woman should have done OP a favour would feel the same if their DP didn’t do them a favour?

If you have a DP that’s going to the same school as your child and you had to work, would you not ask him to drop yours off too?
Of course he doesn’t have to as it’s not his kid but I can imagine most people would find it shitty if he didn’t take the other child too.

This woman could have been busy and I don’t think OP should have a go at her over it but I do think it’s mean that you wouldn’t help out your DP’s ex if you aren’t busy and you are going that way.

My brother picks up his DD from school a couple of times a week and will also pick up her sister and drop her off at her granny’s, as his ex works late and the gran doesn’t drive.
He doesn’t have to do this but he’s going the same way and he doesn’t mind doing it as a favour.

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2023 19:55

toocold54 · 09/01/2023 19:49

I do wonder if those who don’t think the woman should have done OP a favour would feel the same if their DP didn’t do them a favour?

If you have a DP that’s going to the same school as your child and you had to work, would you not ask him to drop yours off too?
Of course he doesn’t have to as it’s not his kid but I can imagine most people would find it shitty if he didn’t take the other child too.

This woman could have been busy and I don’t think OP should have a go at her over it but I do think it’s mean that you wouldn’t help out your DP’s ex if you aren’t busy and you are going that way.

My brother picks up his DD from school a couple of times a week and will also pick up her sister and drop her off at her granny’s, as his ex works late and the gran doesn’t drive.
He doesn’t have to do this but he’s going the same way and he doesn’t mind doing it as a favour.

I’ve said no at times when my DH has asked me a favour, and he’s said no at time when I’ve asked him.

When you ask someone a favour they are at liberty to say no. ‘Can you do me a favour’ isn’t shorthand for ‘i expect you to do this’.

As it stands OP asked her ex for a favour from someone else. It’s not up to him to determine whether his wife is able to do something for his ex. If she’s made it clear that she’s not willing to accommodate things like this then he was right to respect that. It’s not for anyone else to say what she should or shouldn’t do, that’s entirely up to her.

Crazylady333 · 09/01/2023 19:57

Just remember this occasion and do not do them any more favours!!

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 20:03

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toocold54 · 09/01/2023 20:05

When you ask someone a favour they are at liberty to say no. ‘Can you do me a favour’ isn’t shorthand for ‘i expect you to do this’.

Of course!
And I think it’s good to have boundaries and not be treated like a mug.

But I know if my DP was going to the same school that my child needed dropping off to and wouldn’t take my child too so I could go to work then I’d be upset about it.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 20:06

toocold54 · 09/01/2023 20:05

When you ask someone a favour they are at liberty to say no. ‘Can you do me a favour’ isn’t shorthand for ‘i expect you to do this’.

Of course!
And I think it’s good to have boundaries and not be treated like a mug.

But I know if my DP was going to the same school that my child needed dropping off to and wouldn’t take my child too so I could go to work then I’d be upset about it.

Your dp, who you're in a relationship with, is not comparable to your ex's wife.

toocold54 · 09/01/2023 20:06

Just remember this occasion and do not do them any more favours!!

We don’t know that he even asked his partner or she could have genuinely been busy.

SisterCassandra · 09/01/2023 20:07

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask him what the problem was on this occasion, in a non confrontational manner. As many have said, your child is not the SM’s responsibility and she has every right to decline a favour to you. However ex’s response on this would certainly affect my willingness to do them future favours myself.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 09/01/2023 20:12

Hi all,

Please can we have a bit of peace and love? Flowers

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 20:12

LilyMumsnet · 09/01/2023 20:12

Hi all,

Please can we have a bit of peace and love? Flowers

Or perhaps you could ask the only poster who is making personal attacks, to stop?

onyttig · 09/01/2023 20:13

There’s a big difference between asking your partner for a favour. And asking your ex’s partner.

It’s not hard to grasp.

My son has a SM. I make arrangements with his father. I would never demand childcare from his SM. Wouldn’t even consider it. If his dad says he can’t facilitate something, I’d never think to say ‘what about your wife?’ I certainly wouldn’t decide that I was going to use inflexibility in contact to try to get her back by denying my ex the ability to have a long weekend away.

My DS’s SM owes me precisely nothing. It’s not a ‘two way street’. And I have no reason to be petty and difficult because she’s not behaving like my nanny. Even if my ex were being a dick, it’s not his wife’s fault. Why weaponise contact because a woman who has no obligation to do so didn’t ask how high when I yelled jump?

SuperHandss · 09/01/2023 20:16

YANBU. It sounds like you’re trying to co parent as best you can. I would ask why if only to put your mind a rest & to shame him. I wonder if he even asked her

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 20:20

onyttig · 09/01/2023 20:13

There’s a big difference between asking your partner for a favour. And asking your ex’s partner.

It’s not hard to grasp.

My son has a SM. I make arrangements with his father. I would never demand childcare from his SM. Wouldn’t even consider it. If his dad says he can’t facilitate something, I’d never think to say ‘what about your wife?’ I certainly wouldn’t decide that I was going to use inflexibility in contact to try to get her back by denying my ex the ability to have a long weekend away.

My DS’s SM owes me precisely nothing. It’s not a ‘two way street’. And I have no reason to be petty and difficult because she’s not behaving like my nanny. Even if my ex were being a dick, it’s not his wife’s fault. Why weaponise contact because a woman who has no obligation to do so didn’t ask how high when I yelled jump?

The Op did not demand and did not yell jump & in fact came on here for advice.

This thread would go a lot better if some didn't engage in hyperbole.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 20:20

SuperHandss · 09/01/2023 20:16

YANBU. It sounds like you’re trying to co parent as best you can. I would ask why if only to put your mind a rest & to shame him. I wonder if he even asked her

Shame him for what exactly?

CornishGem1975 · 09/01/2023 20:20

Wowsers. You've inadvertently showed us all why being a step mother is a thankless and miserable position a lot of the time.

It really is. You can't win no matter what you do!

I am a SM, and my children have a SM. I coparent with my ex but I never ask or expect his partner do stuff for my kids when she has her own to deal with.

Par91 · 09/01/2023 20:22

Yanbu to feel a bit miffed. I guess anyone would.

But you are BVU to slate her for saying no, which she has every right to do with no explanations.

Also, your boss is BU asking you on such short notice to work. In the nicest way, maybe if you exercised boundaries like your Exh's wife has, and said no straight away, you wouldn't be in this scenario.

hellololabells2019 · 09/01/2023 20:23

@AnneLovesGilbert not the child's fault is it. I treat my stepson the same as my own children, otherwise it makes a pretty horrible environment. It took years to get to this stage!

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