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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
limitededitionbarbie · 09/01/2023 18:20

Well no more minding their dog. No favours as they won't return them.

I'm a step mum and whilst sone things are definitely his dads problem to sort I will help if I can because it's good for the whole family and I know my SS mum would do the same.

It has to work both ways with no piss taking.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 18:21

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 18:18

Hmmm a lot of people saying OP would only have helped out with her own kids and not stepmums kid.

That could be so ( and quite likely so, I'd say ) but

If the favours and last minute changes are of a benefit (and non emergency benefit to his wife)
Ie night out for her birthday - so swap weekends
Romantic break - change days

Long weekend back late, can you keep child longer

And so on and so on.

as long as the stepmum isn't having the piss taking out of her. She should be helping where she can,

If I was op I wouldn't do a single bloody favour ever ever again.

None of those examples are for her, because in none of those examples did op look after the a child that belonged to the sm. Those "favours" are for her ex, the only other parent of that child.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2023 18:21

hellololabells2019 · 09/01/2023 18:08

I'm a step mum and, in this situation, I'd have taken my step son to school. Why wouldn't you if you were going there anyway?! Petty.

Even if you knew the ex was slagging you off for being a horrible person who makes your SC miserable, whether or not that was actually the case? And had continued to try to contact you when you’d made it clear she wasn’t someone you wanted a relationship with?

onyttig · 09/01/2023 18:23

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 18:18

Hmmm a lot of people saying OP would only have helped out with her own kids and not stepmums kid.

That could be so ( and quite likely so, I'd say ) but

If the favours and last minute changes are of a benefit (and non emergency benefit to his wife)
Ie night out for her birthday - so swap weekends
Romantic break - change days

Long weekend back late, can you keep child longer

And so on and so on.

as long as the stepmum isn't having the piss taking out of her. She should be helping where she can,

If I was op I wouldn't do a single bloody favour ever ever again.

The favours are to the man she coparents with though.

it makes no difference if he wants to change contact to go away with his wife, climb Everest, go on a stag weekend, work, whatever.

He asks for a contact change. The OP decides if she can facilitate this.

she asks him for a last minute favour. He says he can’t.

His wife is no more responsible for it than a friend he was golfing with would be.

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 18:27

Sounds like your ex is opting out of parenting and the step mum is getting the blame for it.

Okay maybe they share the cooking and it was her turn and so that shows her in a bad light, maybe?

But why is she expected to pick her step son up from a hobby when his dad is around to do it.

If she's having to the cooking and the running around for him, she probably doesn't want to do the running around for you too.

I'm still guessing that he didnt ask her though because he wants to save the favours for when he needs them.

AnotherCountryMummy · 09/01/2023 18:32

I'd put money on your ex not even asking her.

Really annoying either way though!

Tinkerbyebye · 09/01/2023 18:33

I wouldn’t but now you know i wouldn’t be helping them out again

anotheruser173 · 09/01/2023 18:58

If she doesn't have a relationship with you, I can understand her not wanting to do you a favour. I also think it's fair enough for her not to want her husband to dump the childcare of his DC onto her and to have clear boundaries in place. Maybe she dated someone with kids before, and her ex massively took the piss, so your ex knows not even to ask her on your behalf in a pinch, because it'll just wind her up.

However, it's not right that she makes your son feel rejected in his father's home. There's a difference between making sure the actual parent takes the lead in parenting and making the stepchild feel like he's an unwanted guest.

I'm not sure what the solution is - are you able to discuss these things with your ex? How cordial are things? I don't think you should be messaging his wife when it's clear she doesn't want to have those kinds of conversations with you, but are you able to have an honest chat with him?

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 18:59

@Ineverwannabelikeyou yup, that's true but if they are a big big benefit to his wife or to facilitate something SHE wants to do eg go away for a weekend, then she's being very shortsighted in not doing the occasional (as long as it is occasional ) favour in the opposite directions
Eg watching THEIR dog to facilitate THEIR holiday.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:01

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 18:59

@Ineverwannabelikeyou yup, that's true but if they are a big big benefit to his wife or to facilitate something SHE wants to do eg go away for a weekend, then she's being very shortsighted in not doing the occasional (as long as it is occasional ) favour in the opposite directions
Eg watching THEIR dog to facilitate THEIR holiday.

We have no idea who asked the op to look after their dog, but considering the sm doesn't speak to her I'd hedge my bets it's the ex husband.

You're not obligated to do anything for the ex, especially an ex who clearly doesn't think a lot of you.

Plus, it's never occasional.

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:02

@onyttig I disagree if they are favours that his current wife wants/desires/needs.

For clarity

If change in child co-parenting plans are to suit his golf weekend. Then it's to suit him.

If change in child co-parenting plans are to suit current wife birthday night out. Then it's to suit them both (or more likely her)

If OP is watching their dog so they can go on hols then it's to suit THEM

One way street favours don't last.

Current wife being a very short sighted fool.

HikingforScenery · 09/01/2023 19:03

Yabu. She could’ve had an appointment before school

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:04

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:02

@onyttig I disagree if they are favours that his current wife wants/desires/needs.

For clarity

If change in child co-parenting plans are to suit his golf weekend. Then it's to suit him.

If change in child co-parenting plans are to suit current wife birthday night out. Then it's to suit them both (or more likely her)

If OP is watching their dog so they can go on hols then it's to suit THEM

One way street favours don't last.

Current wife being a very short sighted fool.

I think calling her the current wife is a bit snidey don't you?

Also, you're wrong because none of these are favours for her, because it is not her child being looked after. She doesn't need a favour, SHE doesn't need alternative childcare.

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:04

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

  1. They both went on holiday - so both benefitted
  1. We have no idea if it's occasional in either direction
  1. My partners ex asks the very odd favour & provides odd favours too. All good.
Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:06

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:04

@Ineverwannabelikeyou

  1. They both went on holiday - so both benefitted
  1. We have no idea if it's occasional in either direction
  1. My partners ex asks the very odd favour & provides odd favours too. All good.

It doesn't matter who benefited.

It doesn't matter if it's occasional in either direction, the step mum is not the one asking the favours on account of it not being her child.

I'm glad it works for you, but that doesn't mean we all want to do it. Hth.

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 19:08

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pocketvenuss · 09/01/2023 19:08

@daybroke So I'm supposed to have my ex's new wife's kids here in the holidays? Even though mine are grown up?
That's a hard no from me.
Huh? How did you get that? You are not their stepmother. It's completely different. Do you understand the difference between a step parent and being a person whose ex has had dc with someone else?

Itsgooddaywhenyouseetworobins · 09/01/2023 19:10

It sounds as if you phoned this morning? You might have got a different response if there was notice. I am never good in the morning at last minute changes - particularly on a Monday morning. I think you are over-reacting a bit to be honest.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:10

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Oh dear. How embarrassing for you.

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 19:11

*If change in child co-parenting plans are to suit his golf weekend. Then it's to suit him.

If change in child co-parenting plans are to suit current wife birthday night out. Then it's to suit them both (or more likely her)

If OP is watching their dog so they can go on hols then it's to suit THEM*

If the change in co parenting plans are to suit his golf weekend that's because he didn't bother to organise appropriate childcare and expected the OP to do it

If the change if co parenting plans are to suit his wife's birthday night out that's because he didn't bother to organise appropriate childcare and expected the OP to do it

If the Op is watching their dog that because he didn't bother to organise appropriate pet care and expected the OP to do it

The 3rd situation could potentially be construed as a favour to the exs wife, but the first two are not favours to her or have anything to do with her at all. The ex could just have easily organised a baby sitter for his wife's birthday outing, as many couples with children have to

onyttig · 09/01/2023 19:13

Yep. I’m looking after your own child is not a favour to a woman who isn’t that child’s parent. Even if it facilitates her husband being able to do something she wants to do.

It’s a favour for him so he can do something with his wife. The reciprocity is that he needs to be flexible and do favours the other way too.

But his wife is not merely an extension of him who shares his responsibilities. She’s an entirely separate person who happens to be married to the OP’s ex.

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 19:16

It's not wife work if ALL the adults are doing what they can to help relationships run smoothly. So both parents would be a bit flexible if the other wanted to change contact days. Or step parent does the odd school drop off to help either of the parents. Or ex wife/husband minds the dog, or the half siblings of their own child to help out in a pinch.
If everyone did this, then the kids in these families wouldn't be feeling in the way or clearly demarcated as only their parent's responsibility problem !
Wife work is when the husband dies fuck all and expects his wife to do all his thinking and organising for him - it's not the occasional favour to help out!

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:17

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 19:16

It's not wife work if ALL the adults are doing what they can to help relationships run smoothly. So both parents would be a bit flexible if the other wanted to change contact days. Or step parent does the odd school drop off to help either of the parents. Or ex wife/husband minds the dog, or the half siblings of their own child to help out in a pinch.
If everyone did this, then the kids in these families wouldn't be feeling in the way or clearly demarcated as only their parent's responsibility problem !
Wife work is when the husband dies fuck all and expects his wife to do all his thinking and organising for him - it's not the occasional favour to help out!

..... The step parent isn't a parent though

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 19:20

I never said she was! But she IS married to a parent and that child is part of her family.
And it most definitely is a favour to the step parent if the ex agrees to swap weekends so that step mum and her husband can go away for a weekend, to celebrate her birthday for example. That's not a favour to the ex alone.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 19:22

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 19:20

I never said she was! But she IS married to a parent and that child is part of her family.
And it most definitely is a favour to the step parent if the ex agrees to swap weekends so that step mum and her husband can go away for a weekend, to celebrate her birthday for example. That's not a favour to the ex alone.

Being married to a parent doesn't make you one.

No, it's not a favour to her because it is not her child who needs to have weekends swapped. It's his. It is a favour to the ex alone because she has absolutely no responsibility to that child. She could go away for the weekend whenever she pleased and she wouldn't have to swap weekends because it's not her child. It is solely him who needs to swap.

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