Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 09/01/2023 20:23

YABU and I say this as a fellow single mum.

Maybe the step mum was feeling unwell today and couldn't face taking an extra child to school on top of her own. Maybe your ex didn't even ask her. Maybe they feel that they do enough. Who knows. She isn't obligated to be your emergency childcare

Easternext · 09/01/2023 20:25

You have no idea why she said no. Maybe there arguing maybe she's not feeling well maybe looking after YOUR child is to too much for her first thing in the morning. Accept she doesn't owe you any favours and don't ask again.

SD1978 · 09/01/2023 20:25

I can understand why your a bit miffed, but it'sseems from your update that she has no interest in being a parent to your son, and that this is her husbands child, not hers. So I wouldn't do anything to help,out them, no more dog sitting, etc as if it's not a two way street, when you're helping them (both) out and in exceptional circumstances they help you, then stopping helping him. End of. And I seriously doubt he asked, he probably knows that she wouldn't be willing to

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 20:26

"Wifework encompasses kinkeeping - the work of strengthening familial ties"

This is part of being an adult! It's not solely the preserve of women - my husband makes time to do things for my parents and vice versa. This is just part of being a family. While the ex is not the family of the wife, they are BOTH the family of the child. There's nothing exploitative in asking for or doing the odd favour!

I've been quoted a lot but nowhere have I said that a step parent is exactly the same as a parent, just as a mil is not the same as your mum.

In the end a step parent can say no, and view any flexibility on the part of the ex as a favour only to the other parent, but if the ex isn't flexible it's the step parent who is affected as much as the parent.

Being married does make a couple part of a unit. That means doing what you can to help each other out. Not taking on full responsibility for each other's stuff, but helping.

2Hot2Handle · 09/01/2023 20:29

Yes it was mean, but did your ex’s wife know, I wonder?

I’m a step mum to 2 and my DH’s children are part of my family and I would help out their mum and dad (DH) when they needed it.

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2023 20:29

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 20:26

"Wifework encompasses kinkeeping - the work of strengthening familial ties"

This is part of being an adult! It's not solely the preserve of women - my husband makes time to do things for my parents and vice versa. This is just part of being a family. While the ex is not the family of the wife, they are BOTH the family of the child. There's nothing exploitative in asking for or doing the odd favour!

I've been quoted a lot but nowhere have I said that a step parent is exactly the same as a parent, just as a mil is not the same as your mum.

In the end a step parent can say no, and view any flexibility on the part of the ex as a favour only to the other parent, but if the ex isn't flexible it's the step parent who is affected as much as the parent.

Being married does make a couple part of a unit. That means doing what you can to help each other out. Not taking on full responsibility for each other's stuff, but helping.

That only holds true if it’s agreed to by all parties in a relationship. It’s not something this particular stepmother has agreed to, and that’s clearly acceptable to the husband or else he wouldn’t have married her.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/01/2023 20:39

Maybe she was busy on the way to drop her dc off?

BridieConvert · 09/01/2023 23:46

Look at it this way:
If you and ex were still together, what would you have done?
You'd have said to your work you wouldn't be able to do it as your partner is working and you don't have childcare.
So it remains the same - their father was working and you didn't have childcare.

BridieConvert · 09/01/2023 23:49

Also no is a complete sentence.
Ex's wife does not need to explain herself to you - she said no. End of discussion.

funinthesun19 · 10/01/2023 10:29

Being married does make a couple part of a unit. That means doing what you can to help each other out. Not taking on full responsibility for each other's stuff, but helping.

In this case though, the stepmum wouldn’t have been helping her husband.
She would have been helping OP, who she didn’t marry. I think there’s a big difference.

Wheresthebeach · 10/01/2023 11:29

Sounds like your Ex isn't taking responsibility for her son and it's causing friction. He should be cooking, and doing the running around for him, not the SM. She shouldn't be expected to get him to clubs, especially if she's a little one to deal with. If your Ex was happily doing the job of being a father, there wouldn't be friction in the house. Stop blaming the SM, as always it seems the view is that its the SM job to parent, while the father isn't expected to.

My DH cooked for his kids, did all the running around to parties and clubs. We had the kids every weekend. I started to help out with cooking and taking the kids places because that's how the relationships developed over time and it was natural. If he'd expected it, and we'd argued about it, the atmosphere would have been very different.

ImAvingOops · 10/01/2023 11:37

And OP has helped BOTH ex and his wife out by minding their dog. Which is a bigger favour than this imo.
If the wife is going to the school anyway, then helping out the OP by taking step child with her, is something that helps build cohesive relationships amongst all the adults and fosters a more comfortable environment for the children. Now assuming the husband isn't a complete piss taker, I don't think you can marry someone and view their child as nothing to do with you or think that you have no responsibility to foster good relationships if you can. This isn't a female only responsibility though - it's on all the adults.
If I had a dp who refused to help out in a pinch I'd think they were not a good fit to be around my child.

ImAvingOops · 10/01/2023 11:38

I read the bit about clubs as the step mum objecting to the dad taking his son to clubs, presumably because he's then not at home.

fairycakes1234 · 10/01/2023 11:40

ConfusedNT · 09/01/2023 13:31

Do you ever watch their children in an emergency? Or is it only the step mum who is supposed to provide emergency childcare for unrelated children?

@ConfusedNT as usual theres always one, she has already said she has helped out? Why? What if they never had an emergency? Is it tit for tat? As i said always one :)

fairycakes1234 · 10/01/2023 11:42

BridieConvert · 09/01/2023 23:49

Also no is a complete sentence.
Ex's wife does not need to explain herself to you - she said no. End of discussion.

@BridieConvert You sound like a lovely person

BridieConvert · 10/01/2023 11:44

@fairycakes1234 I am a lovely person thanks. Smile
I understand boundaries - no-one owes anyone an explanation for saying no.

whumpthereitis · 10/01/2023 11:46

ImAvingOops · 10/01/2023 11:37

And OP has helped BOTH ex and his wife out by minding their dog. Which is a bigger favour than this imo.
If the wife is going to the school anyway, then helping out the OP by taking step child with her, is something that helps build cohesive relationships amongst all the adults and fosters a more comfortable environment for the children. Now assuming the husband isn't a complete piss taker, I don't think you can marry someone and view their child as nothing to do with you or think that you have no responsibility to foster good relationships if you can. This isn't a female only responsibility though - it's on all the adults.
If I had a dp who refused to help out in a pinch I'd think they were not a good fit to be around my child.

Well, it seems like the stepmother is being clear in stating that she’s not willing to take on responsibility for her husband’s son, something said husband finds acceptable giving that he married her.

Sickofcoughing · 10/01/2023 11:56

You sound absolutely lovely and I would give my right arm if my DP's ex was like yours.

I'm a stepmum and now we have shared DC too. I think many of the replies are driven by women in my position being constantly made demands of but never receiving any thanks or consideration.

It sounds quite the opposite here.

In terms of this particular situation I would not message you ex about this specifically but I would 100% tackle the general problem that your son doesn't feel welcome. Share what he has said to you and approach it in a collaborative way with your ex. It sounds like you get on fairly well.

You can include this morning as an example of things you hope could change but really, you don't know what was going on with his wife this morning or what strategies they have agreed in their relationship.

thewayround · 10/01/2023 12:18

BridieConvert · 09/01/2023 23:49

Also no is a complete sentence.
Ex's wife does not need to explain herself to you - she said no. End of discussion.

You might as well say “I take all my life advice from mumsnet” if you say daft embarrassing nonsense things like “no is a complete sentence”

thewayround · 10/01/2023 12:20

Did the op ever say how old her son was and how old the ex’s other child is?

MisguidedGhosts · 10/01/2023 12:46

thewayround · 10/01/2023 12:20

Did the op ever say how old her son was and how old the ex’s other child is?

The other child is in pre-school so 3 or 4. Presumably, if it's next door to school, her DS is primary school age

BridieConvert · 10/01/2023 15:52

@thewayround nice try but actually only joined Mumsnet yesterday and already thinking to come off 😂

It's not daft nonsense at all - it's actually quoted by a lot of therapists for when establishing boundaries.
You don't need to explain yourself to anyone if you are saying no.
It's really as simple as that

thewayround · 10/01/2023 15:56

BridieConvert · 10/01/2023 15:52

@thewayround nice try but actually only joined Mumsnet yesterday and already thinking to come off 😂

It's not daft nonsense at all - it's actually quoted by a lot of therapists for when establishing boundaries.
You don't need to explain yourself to anyone if you are saying no.
It's really as simple as that

“Lots of therapists” use “no is a complete sentence” 🤔

how do you know that? No is a complete sentence should be the banner for mumsnet. Thankfully now it’s ridiculed!

BridieConvert · 10/01/2023 16:13

@thewayround ridicule away.

After years of being a weak people pleaser and bending over backwards to help people, I am grateful that I learned I can say no and don't need to explain why.

Does an explanation change the outcome? No. So why does it matter?

I will usually still give an explanation for something like my friends trying to make plans and I'm busy that day or something like that... but in the case of the ex wife here who doesn't have/want a relationship with OP, just saying no is sufficient. Of course we don't even know if the wife said no or if it was OP's ex...

thewayround · 10/01/2023 16:17

your situation to me is irrelevant

my issue is “no is a complete sense” screams mumsnet and would make me giggle if I heard anyone say it

But works for you, so great