Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be really fucked off about this? Ex and wife.

286 replies

Ronny128 · 09/01/2023 13:27

Ex has our son 3 days a week.

Today I got asked to come into work early this morning due to a last minute staffing problem (usually don't start until after the school run).

Messaged ex to see if I could drop DS there on the way to work and could go to school from his. He said no he's at work, asked about his wife, my son's step mother, and he just said no sorry she said she can't this morning, fair enough, so I had to message work and let them know I couldn't make it.

I'm annoyed though because when I got to school his wife was there dropping off their child at the pre school next door!!

I've helped him out with last minute stuff before. I can't believe he/his wife wouldn't just help this one morning when she was going there anyway!

AIBU to message ex and ask what the problem was this morning?

OP posts:
Windfalls777 · 09/01/2023 16:44

Unrelated? She is step-mom.

Gigglechop · 09/01/2023 16:53

Windfalls777 · 09/01/2023 16:44

Unrelated? She is step-mom.

The op isn’t t re later to her ex’s child with the step mum is she?!

IceStationHorse · 09/01/2023 16:58

@Ronny128 you are being totally unreasonable. Your childcare agreement is with your EX and not his current wife. He was right not to involve her in anything.

ImAvingOops · 09/01/2023 17:00

This is one of those things where she has no obligation to do it, but it would have been helpful and appreciated and in the long run, made relationships smoother and better.
As much as a step parent shouldn't be dumped with default responsibility for the children, they do have a relationship with that child and smooth, co operative relationships amongst the parents, make those children's lives happier.
Saying 'not my circus' is pretty cold when it comes to a child who belongs to your spouse.

I'd be a bit upset by this. I'd also talk to my ex about what is happening in his home wrt your don feeling unwelcome - that's not on and he needs to sort it.

If ex's wife doesn't want to build a relationship with you, that's her prerogative but in your shoes I'd be less accommodating if they wanted to swap dates or have you dog sit. They can't have it both ways.

Picklepopsalot · 09/01/2023 17:07

I’m a step mum and I would have been more than happy to take the child to school. Can’t see that the OP is being unreasonable.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 17:10

Exactly! I'm not even a step mum and i feel pissed off about all the shit step mums seem to get dumped with

Same. I’m not a stepmum either (used to be), and it’s the whole, “do as you’re told because I want you to” attitude that I see that really annoys me.” Who do you think you are???
I’m a mum who is now an ex, and I still don’t get it. Never will.

Curledupwithagoodbook · 09/01/2023 17:14

Gigglechop · 09/01/2023 16:37

Ditto

which is precisely why I will never ever ever mangle blend families. My children deserve for their home to be their home and no one elses. And I deserve not to have to live with or care for any other children besides…. Mine!!

Show quote history

Just to counter that view, my DC and step DC love each other and have happy fulfilling relationships. I love my step children, I'm pretty sure they love me, they certainly tell me they do. DH loves my DC and vice versa.

I'm glad we blended families, and our children say the same. Yes it takes loads of effort, but the outcome has been so worthwhile.

IceStationHorse · 09/01/2023 17:18

Did the other issue about your son only become important to you after this morning? Why have you not raised it before?

whumpthereitis · 09/01/2023 17:21

Picklepopsalot · 09/01/2023 17:07

I’m a step mum and I would have been more than happy to take the child to school. Can’t see that the OP is being unreasonable.

Because the stepmother in this case isn’t you, and clearly doesn’t have the same sort of relationship with her stepkids or their mother.

The stepmother is in no way obliged to step in as emergency childcare.

Gigglechop · 09/01/2023 17:26

IceStationHorse · 09/01/2023 17:18

Did the other issue about your son only become important to you after this morning? Why have you not raised it before?

When the responses didn’t go quite as she hoped

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/01/2023 17:28

Your update makes your request even odder. You describe her as disengaged, cold and unhelpful and someone who makes your son feel uncomfortable and unwelcome. Yet she’s the one you wanted to leave him with? How was that going to be good for him on the first day back at school?

You say you’ve tried to connect with her, she’s not interested and then you decide she’s the one to ask or a favour. Baffling.

Gigglechop · 09/01/2023 17:29

Your update makes your request even odder. You describe her as disengaged, cold and unhelpful and someone who makes your son feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

oh she set all that aside when the SM was convenient

BungleandGeorge · 09/01/2023 17:32

Yes it’s a bit rubbish if your child was ready for school and all she needed was to drop him at the same school as her child. Most people would do that for a friend/ neighbour and yes their child’s half siblings! Not really a big favour but you know what to do next time they want a favour

magma32 · 09/01/2023 17:49

BlueBooh · 09/01/2023 13:40

This is the like a reverse of a thread a few weeks ago from a step mum. Although the mum in that thread just dropped the kid off at step-mums house.

The thread was almost unanimous is saying why should the step mum have anything to do with the arrangement.

As many PPs have asked - would you have looked after her kids?

Yep this came to mind. Step mum is not emergency childcare. The step mum has no parental responsibility for the child, no rights in having a say in the child upbringing, choices etc, legally so I’m not sure why people expect them to step into the role of biological parent when it suits the biological parent. I mean my own mother is shit at emergency childcare, as are some of Dh’s family but just because she’s my mother doesn’t mean i should expect her to. It’s primarily mine and my dh responsibility. So I always find it odd how the step mum is some kind of extra pair of hands that should not have a say in anything and do as is expected by the step mum. People don’t expect this from step dads, I wonder why! Different if you’re doing similar favours for her and you’re surprised but I have a feeling there is some unreasonable behaviour by either yourself or your Dh and the step mum quite rightly won’t put up with, especially when she has her own kids, they do take priority. That’s why the law makes the biological parents have the legal responsibility not the step parents unless they are adopting them.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 17:50

Saying 'not my circus' is pretty cold when it comes to a child who belongs to your spouse.

except that is classic wifework. You married a man with children, smoothing out his relationships and facilitating them is your job.

It’s not. And it wasn’t about the child. It was the ex wanting childcare.

onyttig · 09/01/2023 17:53

Dressing up the parents’ wants as being about the SC is classic gaslighting move for stepparents.

say no to a last minute request for childcare from your husband’s ex and you’re a wicked stepmother. Expect your husband to look after his child during contact time. Wicked stepmother.

The fact that the child would certainly prefer mum to take them to school or dad to look after them is hidden behind accusations of being cold for not taking on al the wifework

Ohgoodyanotherone · 09/01/2023 17:55

TiddleyWink · 09/01/2023 13:33

She’s the child’s step mother. You don’t think that’s even a tiny bit different to the OP helping out with the child of her ex’s new marriage? Really? 🙄

Show quote history

If the stepmums child is the OP's ExH's then the children are related.

HTH

Smoky1107 · 09/01/2023 18:00

Not up to step mum to provide child care really. YABU.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 18:04

Dressing up the parents’ wants as being about the SC is classic gaslighting move for stepparents.

I was thinking this too. This is what I mean about the “Do as you’re told because I want you to.” attitude. They can twist this to make it out like it’s coming from a place of concern about their child, when really it’s just so they can try to get their own way.
I’m sure a child is more than happy with their parent taking them to school.

toocold54 · 09/01/2023 18:08

If she was free anyway then I’d be annoyed that she didn’t help out by taking her kids sibling to the same place she was going.

But there’s no guarantee that she was free.
Just because she took her LO to preschool doesn’t mean she wasn’t busy earlier on.

How quickly did your ex respond about his DP not being able to do it?

If it was fast then he wouldn’t have had time to text/ring and ask her before replying - which could mean she was genuinely busy and he knew she couldn’t do it or he just didn’t ask her.

hellololabells2019 · 09/01/2023 18:08

I'm a step mum and, in this situation, I'd have taken my step son to school. Why wouldn't you if you were going there anyway?! Petty.

harriethoyle · 09/01/2023 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

beachcitygirl · 09/01/2023 18:18

Hmmm a lot of people saying OP would only have helped out with her own kids and not stepmums kid.

That could be so ( and quite likely so, I'd say ) but

If the favours and last minute changes are of a benefit (and non emergency benefit to his wife)
Ie night out for her birthday - so swap weekends
Romantic break - change days

Long weekend back late, can you keep child longer

And so on and so on.

as long as the stepmum isn't having the piss taking out of her. She should be helping where she can,

If I was op I wouldn't do a single bloody favour ever ever again.

funinthesun19 · 09/01/2023 18:19

But there’s no guarantee that she was free.
Just because she took her LO to preschool doesn’t mean she wasn’t busy earlier on.

She might have been having a tough morning too. Pre schooler/first day back after Christmas maybe. That combination sometimes doesn’t mix well. I know it was hard for my 4 year old this morning. I wouldn’t have had the headspace to be doing anyone any favours this morning.

Ineverwannabelikeyou · 09/01/2023 18:20

She's cold, distant and makes your son feel unwanted and yet you actively asked for her to take him to school? Wow.

It's funny isn't it, I was all these things, a home wrecker, a slag, a bad influence on her child, but as soon as she found out I was in maternity leave I was an excellent childcare option. It's amazing how opinions can change so quickly.

Swipe left for the next trending thread