To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

[gapanxiety]

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

Mine are nearly four years apart and are very close. I find they kind of meet in the middle in terms of their play. My brother is two years younger than me and we pretty much never played together! I think it's personality as much as age.

Thank you lol. I don’t get the whole, ‘my kids will have X years gap (que shock horror).’

You can have kids with a one year age gap. They still may not get along or like each other once they grow up, it really doesn’t matter. I have a 9 year age gap with my sister and we’re still close despite that

Just to say sorry for posting and then disappearing, I was not expecting so many responses! Posted this and then got into work and thought I'd check it during my lunch break, will have a proper read through the thread now.

My sister and I are 6 years apart. We are very close (30 and 24 now)
I am not really close to my other sister and we're only 18 months apart.
Age gaps really don't matter to be honest.

There's four between me and my brother. We are not close and never have been

Five between my two, DD and DS, they get on but don't play together and DD finds DS annoying now she's a teen.

I think if different sexes then it just doesn't work well. Maybe it's better if they are the same sex.

This is not a large gap in the scheme of things and they could still have a wonderful relationship.

Mine have almost that gap and you would be surprised how much they have had in common and how they can play together.

4 years isn't a large age gap. I've got 13 yrs between my two and they get on well.

If you want a second child then have one

4.5 between my singleton and twins because the singleton was a very poorly baby and we weren't ready before then.

Covid screwed the first tow years anyway so we never went anywhere but babies in arms are normally free at kids theatre etc and can be pushed happily around museums etc. At 3 and 7, they can play lovely together and they can fight over toys and TV choices. But they dedicatedly live each other and I think it'll get easier as they get older tbh. Yet eldest had just gone full time when I conceived the twins so just starting to get our freedom back but I never wanted him to grow up without a sibling

I have 4 kids and they all have approx 4 years between them. The siblings with the 4.5 year gap are the best of friends.

Whatever the age gap, it will always be too big or too small for a hundred reasons. Mine have nearly 5 years between them and there are pros and cons, going back to the baby/nappy stage. However it was so nice to see my eldest with the new baby and looking at older children with the same gap it doesn’t seem so big.

We have a 2.5 year age gap between ours but lots of friends who have 3.5-4 year age gaps.

I’ll be honest, I’ve often looked on amazed (and a bit envious) at how much easier it looks with the larger gap. At least while the youngest is under 2.

There's four years between me and my sister. It wasn't a great gap for us, but I think that's more about personality. I was super annoying and (I now know) have ASD and ADHD, which I think made her life way more difficult than if she'd had an NT sibling.

The age gap is a false problem. Forget about "always having wanted a second child" and the age gap, and decide what is right for you and the family now.

Having a sibling is much more than just the childhood years. I don't think 4 years would be too much, in fact we have friends and family who have even bigger gaps than that and it works well. But as an adult I personally would not like to be an only child, as we navigate family responsibilities to parents and older family members.

Thanks so much for everyone's responses. I think I am overthinking it. I think partly I have got fixated on the 'right' age gap because in general the first few years of our child's life haven't been as we imagined. What with covid, my Mum who DH and I were both very close to and expected to be very involved with our child passing away leaving us without any family nearby, two good sets of friends moving away once they had a child leaving us with quite a limited social network locally etc.

Then the last 6 months or so have been so much nicer, partly since our child got a bit older and easier/enjoyed more activities that we also enjoyed at weekends (plus covid restrictions being over). But then we had the miscarriage which starts to make you feel a bit 'what if it's not meant to be'? And start to worry that it would be hard to find things to do as a family together if we did have a 'larger' age gap and makes us think back to the days of just trudging round the park in the cold every weekend, but of course partly that was covid and partly the depressing nature of that that was the very difficult times around my Mum's illness/passing away.

I think we need to let go of how we imagined early family life was going to look, and think long term as many people have said on the thread.

Go for it. Sounds very much like you'll regret it if you don't.

I deliberately planned for a 4 year age gap so that my eldest would have a settled routine with school and friends by the time baby arrived. So glad I did as baby was extremely hard work and my eldest needed a break!!
My two are not the same sex but have plenty in common and enjoy each other’s company. You can’t guarantee these things, in my experience the closer siblings are together the more bickering over toys there is - but someone will probably be along shortly to tell me their don’t bicker! ;)

I also don’t think four is large age gap. I read a book once on the age gap between siblings and according to their sources an age gap of over 6 years and the second child is mentally counted as an only child- weird I know. 9 and 11 years between me and my brothers and I did feel like an only child on many occasions - my eldest brother moved out when I was 6 years old. But 4 years? No problem!

I have a boy and a girl 7 years apart. They adore each other. They tell each other they love and miss each other on the phone and chat for hours when home at the same time.

In part it helped that the eldest was never jealous of the younger and of course he adored her from day 1. They are now early 20's and teens.

From my point of view it might have been easier to have them closer together for convenience (they were never in the same school together or into the same movies, activities, etc) and the eldest often compromised but I also had miscarriages and infertility so it wasn't a choice.

They often say they are grateful to have each other though. My friend could never stand her twin brother so I guess you cannot guarantee a happy sibling relationship.

I have 'only' one child...you may have seen my recent thread! 😅

But I can think of loads of examples from my own friends where 5/6 years between children has worked out incredibly well for them all- different genders, and the same gender too. Close as children and adults.

Also even bigger gaps- 2 sets of brothers I know, one 12 years apart, one 14 years apart, regularly go on holiday together (with their brothers only, not together!) and have done since their 20s.
My friend has a 5 year old girl and a 16 year old boy and loves it.
If you want 2 children I don't think the gap is an issue. It depends on personalities.

I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old. We had ivf when eldest was 1 but had multiple failures and two losses before having our youngest. Eldest adores his brother,he plays and shares nicely with him, now he's mobile they chase each other around. Eldest started reception aged 4 which made the early months abit easier. I don't think 4 years is an especially big gap, there's 7 years between me and my brother, dp has a sibling 15 years younger.

Not in answer too op but out of interest -

The average age gap between first and second child is 2.3 years according to the ONS www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/articles/milestonesjourneyingthroughadulthood/2019-12-17

I don't know where this figure of 3.8 years comes from (seen it quoted in articles but without a source). Maybe it is the average gap between any siblings (including say DC1 and DC4), or maybe it is based on fathers as well as mothers.

Pretty much me, my husband and all of my friends have a 4/5 year gap between our siblings. Isn’t this the “average” age gap? Absolutely wouldn’t say it’s a large gap. Most people I know are 3-5 years between them and their siblings.

I have exactly 3 years 9 months between my 3.. not exactly planned to that time, but I couldn't push a double buggy( disabled) and it was fine.
I also had 1:1 time when they were at nursery/ school ( didn't work)

We have a 5 year gap and it's great.

Meant I could be around more at the start of primary as I was on mat leave.

Our 2 girls are best friends who adore each other. I wouldn't change a thing.

We have not found it difficult to keep them entertained together.

We have a four year gap. A handful of books for older one on being am older sibling. Dc1 takes it super serious. Dc2 returns in kind.

Still normal fights/who got more of that/something different... Bit overall quite close for now. It could all change tomorrow I imagine but it can work

All the best

I read your OP thinking "that's not a big age gap!" then didn't get round to replying and then read your update. I think when you have a plan and then life takes you in another direction, as you say, it feels like a huge thing to think about.

I have a 3.5 year gap between mine (4.5 and 8) and it's fine. They fight a lot but will also play, and actually it was nice when they were smaller as I had some time with the baby on mat leave while the oldest had funded hours and then just had a few months of them both at nursery before my eldest started school.

The baby and toddler stage is all consuming at the time but having a family is a lifelong thing, not just about the pre school years. My brother is 10 years older than me and whilst we didn't grow up playing together, we are close as adults.