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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have a 2nd child because it would mean a 4yr age gap?

250 replies

gapanxiety · 09/01/2023 10:29

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

OP posts:
Catsonskis · 09/01/2023 17:04

I have a 2 year gap and cry daily about how hard it is at the moment (2 and a half girl and 3m old girl). Wish I’d waited.

my sis and I have 6 year gap and we are and always have been very close

BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers · 09/01/2023 17:05

5 years between me and DBro. We get on like a house on fire. I was old enough to think he was "my" baby and I helped care for him of my own volition, we developed our own language! The only difficult bit was when I was a young teen and he was getting into his "little shit" years and used to wind me up, but we grew out of that very quickly.

BuHao · 09/01/2023 17:28

My kids have a 4 year age gap and they get on like a house on fire.

DolphinNosePotato1 · 09/01/2023 17:33

I think a 4 year gap is lovely. I have an 18 month gap between my eldest 2. They get on like a house on fire but also fight in equal measure. We now have a baby and there is a nearly 5 year gap between her and my eldest, 3.4 year gap between her and the middle. Both of them adore her. No jealousy, just so much love.

I am a middle child and there is 4.5 years between me and my older brother, and 5 years between me and younger brother. I got on brilliantly with them both growing up. If you want a second I’d absolutely say a 4 year gap is great. Often better than a smaller one!

Edinvillian · 09/01/2023 17:41

There's 11 years between our two and they're still close (10 and 21), I'm hoping the eldest will be a good influence on the youngest if he turns into a nightmare teen.

LouLou198 · 09/01/2023 20:28

4.5 age gap, intentional as we couldn't afford to have 2 in childcare! It has worked out really well though. Dd1 started school the week after dd2 was born. I could take her to school every day and got that time alone with dd2. They are 11 and 6 now, mostly get on really well and have very similar interests.

MilkyYay · 09/01/2023 20:40

I wanted a really small gap, but got 2 yrs 8 months.

Its lovely, they are absolutely thick as thieves and get on really well (6 & 3). We have older nieces/nephews who are lovely with youngest too.

jamimmi · 09/01/2023 21:38

19 and 15 yr old here. One of each. Very very close. Always got on well and older one looks out for the younger . Not reason unless u want it to be

Mamai90 · 09/01/2023 21:43

In all honesty I think it's great gap. There is 4 years between my nephews and it mean DN1 was in nursery when DN2 was born so he was a bit more independent. They are 7 and 11 now and usually enjoy a lot of the same things in regards to days out etc.

Sjpoppy · 09/01/2023 22:01

A four year gap sounds fine Smile

Zombiemum1946 · 09/01/2023 22:03

7 yrs between mine (I got sick) sometimes they're great, sometimes not. Whilst eldest was at school the youngest got one to one with me. Ds has left school and for the most part is great with his sister. They can be very close in age and hate each other till they leave home. There's no guarantee of closeness. More appropriate question is do you really want another child if things feel right as they are ?

Bunnycat101 · 09/01/2023 22:06

I don’t think there is a perfect gap. Ours is just under 3 and I sometimes wish it was a bit smaller as they do have different interests and capabilities and that is magnified early on. However, the ‘gap’ narrowed from the age of about 21/2 and they play nicely. I think the advantages of an extra year would be less rivalry, no duplicate nursery fees, time to spend with youngest once oldest at school etc.

SamPoodle123 · 09/01/2023 22:09

I have a 20 month gap between my first two kids and found that quite hard! We always wanted a third, but waited and did a 6 year gap between the middle and third and that gap has worked out well. Now my youngest is 3 and middle 9 and eldest 10. The older two play with the youngest one and it is really sweet. They read to her sometimes as well and help out. She is super happy and lucky.

SugarNspices · 09/01/2023 22:14

No it's not a big age gap speaking from experience. There is 8 years between me and my youngest sibling and two between my older. I've always been closer to the younger. It all depends on personality. I wanted mine to have siblings so I would go on that more than age gap if you are happy with an only that is fine!

Bestcatmum · 09/01/2023 22:15

That's ridiculous there is 15 years between me and my sibling and we have a great and very close relationship. 4 years is nothing.

paulinesmithson · 09/01/2023 22:19

gapanxiety · 09/01/2023 10:29

Feel really conflicted in what to do. I had always imagined having a relatively small age gap between children (eg 2 yrs). However we have had a tough couple of years, with my Mum being very ill and then dying which meant that we delayed TTC. Then when we felt ready to try I did get pregnant but sadly had a miscarriage. If we conceived again in the next couple of months it would mean a four year age gap.

We had always wanted two children, and want our first child to have a sibling. But we're worried about a four year age gap for a few reasons. Firstly although we know you can never guarantee that siblings will have a good bond, we're concerned that a large age gap makes that less likely.

We're also worried that it will be harder to enjoy time together as a family with such a big age gap, in terms of finding things that they will both enjoy or them being able to play together? It feels like it would be quite hard with eg a 1 year old and a 5 year old, or a 4 year old and a 9 year old?

We have found weekends quite lonely and tough at times with a small child, with my Mum gone we now don't have any family locally and all our friends who had children have moved away from where we live (expensive area for housing). Since our child turned 2.5yrs things have started to feel easier, with us being able to do more interesting and enjoyable things at the weekend like go to child friendly museums/activities/plays etc or for our child to just be happy pottering around at home and playing more independently.

Would welcome other people's experiences with a large age gap like that, both good and bad. It's been quite a tumultuous time for our family and it's just beginning to feel quite stable and enjoyable again, so we're worried about disrupting that. But at the same time worry about feeling regret in 5 years time when we're out of the hard early years of parenting and we wish we had a bigger family. Would we be crazy to say we're not going to have the second child we'd always planned for because the age gap has become 'too big' or might that be the best thing for our family dynamic?

I am 9 years older than my sister and we got on really well, maybe even better than if we were similar ages

TimandGinger · 09/01/2023 22:23

I understand why you mean. Out of my ante natal group we were the last to have a second - not by choice. There’s nearly five years between our two kids.( Older boy, younger girl).
I think a lot of people have an expectation of two siblings of a fairly similar age who are quite compatible: play similar games etc. We don’t have that. Their needs are very different. However they have an absolutely lovely relationship. They are so so close.
And there’s no guarantee two siblings closer together would like the same things or even get on. Good luck :-)

wouldthatbeworse · 09/01/2023 22:26

I obsessed about the growing age gap when trying to conceive DC2. I now see that there are many many different families and pros and cons to all age gaps. It may be hard to find activities that everyone wants to do but on the other hand there will be less jealousy and squabbling than a 2 year gap. So much friends on their personalities as well. Good luck whatever you decide

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 09/01/2023 22:27

I have a gap of 5 years and have loved it. They get on great. No arguments between them and it’s really lovely!

RAINSh0wers · 09/01/2023 22:45

We have a 4 year age gap, it’s worked out well so far (they’re just about to turn 5 & 9). My 5 younger one is a bit more grown up than my older one was at her age but I think that’s down to them both being very different. They bicker, but they do play together. And listening to DD1 trying to help DD2 with her reading is heartwarming.

We don’t struggle too much entertaining them both, trampolining, swimming, the zoo etc is still good for them both. Sometimes (e.g the cinema) I’ll take DD1 on her own, but I imagine in most families you’d try for one on one time with your kids even if they are close in age.

Blog34 · 09/01/2023 23:01

I think you may get less squabbling than a smaller age gap which was for me the only downside of having two children. And may be quite healing if you had a rough time with your first? But is fine to only have one if that feels right!

mrsmmrsimrsssimrs · 09/01/2023 23:18

It's not about the gap, it's the kids. Every age gap has its ups and downs. We have a 4y gap between our two and it's fucking tough, but that's because my eldest has asd. Would have been the same if we'd had a 2y gap or 10. Have a second if you want a second - your point about settling into routine and things becoming easier now is a good one, and sticking with one will mean you get to the post-early years stage quicker. But I wouldn't focus on the gap as that would have been true a year ago as well.

Sorry about your mum and good luck with your decision.

Internetstranger · 09/01/2023 23:48

A 4 year age gap is not large. Look around you at other families.

Amusing a lonely 8 yr old is much much harder than amusing an 8 yr old who has a 4 yr old to chat to. They can still play together you know!

Children who are very close in age tend to argue more as they compete, children a few years apart have a natural pecking order and get on better.

But are you really going to decide whether or not to create a child based on just this?!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 09/01/2023 23:57

Another one with a 4 year gap. DS1 started school whilst I was on maternity leave so that worked well as I was around for the settling in period. They are teenagers now and get on fine.

AnotherSuperHeroe · 10/01/2023 00:09

Try nearly 17 years age gap and then come back say if you think 4 years is big gap 🙄

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