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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
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6
Saracen · 09/01/2023 00:06

He's very particular about his possessions, and about how things are done. That doesn't make him a bad person. It's just how he is. But you don't want to live like that, which makes the two of you incompatible.

LadyGAgain · 09/01/2023 00:06

In a kind way, get some self respect. He's a loser.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/01/2023 00:07

I commented before seeing your later updates and I was still shocked based on the carrier bags alone.

Don't ever make the mistake of brushing this away as a little quirk of 'just how he is' - he sounds deeply unpleasant and not at all like somebody who even likes you, let alone loves you.

cinnamonpearl · 09/01/2023 00:07

Is this seriously your only issue?? Dump him, or don't, but get a life

Isthisexpected · 09/01/2023 00:07

This is a dreadful relationship! I can't believe it.

To a PP, you can be in a committed relationship and not live together. That isn't the case here though clearly! Forces families, people who have had to make the difficult decision to live apart from their family due to work, people with children from previous relationships can all be in partnerships with shared lives, finances and aspirations.

foremostwilly · 09/01/2023 00:08

Did he seriously use the word 'tragedy'? If so, on behalf of anyone who has ever experienced tragedy, tell him he's a twat.

LadyGAgain · 09/01/2023 00:08

Saracen · 09/01/2023 00:06

He's very particular about his possessions, and about how things are done. That doesn't make him a bad person. It's just how he is. But you don't want to live like that, which makes the two of you incompatible.

Oh ok then ConfusedConfused

kirwanco · 09/01/2023 00:09

This man is odd AF and not proper relationship material.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/01/2023 00:09

ParrotsAteThemAll Grin

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 00:09

What about this man and how he treats you is attractive to you?

Being single is okay, it really is. We even have carrier bags.

Fiveletters · 09/01/2023 00:10

This sounds an awful way to live.

NicLondon1 · 09/01/2023 00:11

The constant criticising is not acceptable and you deserve so much better. My first thought was that he must be on the spectrum, or have OCD/anxiety, as clearly his systems are more important than you.
But the criticising is another level… how can you live with that without starting to suffer low self-esteem as a result? Your partner should bring out the best in you and make you feel amazing.

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 09/01/2023 00:12

Op, do you return things you borrow and put things you use back in their place or do you leave them in random places so they get lost?

This would affect my answer on who is being unreasonable here.

Scurryfunge12 · 09/01/2023 00:12

If he is not ND then 🤣🤣🤣🤣 he sounds like a right weirdo. I’d dump him and tell him to shove his carrier bags up his arse.

Neveranynamesleft · 09/01/2023 00:13

Is his name Russell...?

Plastic bags...in coat pockets....joke...😁

Ok...I'll get my coat ( which doesnt have any bags in the pockets )

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 09/01/2023 00:13

Tight with money, tight with love springs to mind. I wouldn’t move in with him.

whynotwhatknot · 09/01/2023 00:15

he sounds unhinged-what do you see in him

stop paying for everything

arethereanyleftatall · 09/01/2023 00:16

My father is a bit like this. So, from the other side
Routines and control in any situation are absolutely vital to him - anything out if routine leads to panic and anxiety for him.
He isn't a bad person whatsoever, absolutely on the contrary, but cannot see beyond his routines.
He was an absolutely nightmare for my mother to live with before they divorced: and I think he remains clueless as to what on earth he did wrong. Answer - everything pretty much. He is single now, and happy, relationships are just not for him.
I wouldn't have a relationship with someone like this if they were the last person on earth. Sorry dad!

JudgeRudy · 09/01/2023 00:16

I think people are missing the point if they think this is about 20p. It's far more than that so who does or doesn't pay for what shouldn't come into it. Let's say it wasn't a bag but a book. I won't lend out a book I'm not prepared to lose. These are his security bags and as he said he doesn't want you messing up his system. Hes NBU if this will cause him stress and he's also correct to say you can get your own bag. I bet he would have bought you one. I also doubt he has a problem with you asking, the 'unacceptable' bit was questioning and asking again then justifying. He said no!....it's unusual (ocd?) behaviour but it's not for you to say how significant the bag is or isn't.
This does pose questions though about how far the relationship can go. There will inevitably be more rules you have yet to discover!

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 09/01/2023 00:16

This is just mental and a big 🚩

UsingChangeofName · 09/01/2023 00:16

Just read back your own post at 23:57.

Seriously. Get up in the morning and re-read it.
Then ask yourself why any normal person would choose to live with that kind of person.

You know what you need to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/01/2023 00:17

If this insanity is true, then you must have no self-respect and you must be absolutely desperate to be with a man, any man. He's a horrible, selfish prick, he takes total advantage of you, and you allow it. It's truly unbelievable. Can you really not see how bad this "relationship" is?

Get rid of this loser.

BringItOn2023 · 09/01/2023 00:19

Roy Cropper was a prince compared to your DP. Also, he'll only get worse with age!

JobSeekingMissile · 09/01/2023 00:19

🏃‍♀️ op

yorkshirepudsx · 09/01/2023 00:19

Neveranynamesleft · 09/01/2023 00:13

Is his name Russell...?

Plastic bags...in coat pockets....joke...😁

Ok...I'll get my coat ( which doesnt have any bags in the pockets )

Hahahah!! My coat always has poo bags in the pockets, you can have one to put in your pocket?? Mini carrier bags