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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP won't lend me his carrier bags

707 replies

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Maya678 · 08/01/2023 23:55

Is your boyfriend on the spectrum, OP?

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 08/01/2023 23:55

Sounds like a controlling dick, get him in the bin!

yorkshirepudsx · 08/01/2023 23:55

Please go onto Amazon right now and order a shit load of carrier bags to his house

MrsReeves · 08/01/2023 23:56

TinySaltLick · 08/01/2023 23:30

Every day I would put his coat bags in a hot oven for about 5-10 seconds so they get smaller, but so not to be perceptible

Over the weeks and months it will eat away at him wondering if his hands are getting bigger until it will come to a head 31st Dec 2025 where you can print a copy of this thread in size 1 font and hide it in his miniature bags

Excellent 🤣

ClangingBell · 08/01/2023 23:57

How can you have sex with a man who has said it would be a tragedy if he ended up with less than 3 carrier bags about his person? I’d be curling my toes with cringe too hard to touch him.

Original poster
Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 08/01/2023 23:58

This is insane. Not even asking him to give you one of his precious bags, but just to borrow it?! Are they bags for life, where he could get replacementsd anyway if he took the tatters of them back to the shop?

We had some friends who we sometimes went out on day trips with (a long time ago now). They were engaged and planning their wedding; but I'll still never forget when we heard them discussing their day's spends on joint purchases in the cafe and working out who owed whom how much. It was literally he spent 5p extra here, she spent 10p extra there etc.

We heard him (they were on the table behind ours) declaring to her at the summing-up stage "So you need to give me 3p and then we'll be square" - and we turned to laugh along with them.... but they were both actually very serious and she solemnly gave him the 3p!

Namechangingagain111 · 08/01/2023 23:58

I voted YABU for not already dumping him over this.
What a dick and why are you putting up with it ?

Plus - this is where I'm probably being U - I get the rage when people describe their other half as DP when they don't live together.

DP? Partner in what? You don't even share shopping bags FGS

KateMcCallister · 09/01/2023 00:01

FellForTheWrongUnAgain · 08/01/2023 23:49

Good grief, what is he like in bed?

Someone upthread said Roy Cropper and I can't unsee it. They don't have sex, obviously.

lunar1 · 09/01/2023 00:01

Please never have children with this man!

londonmummy1966 · 09/01/2023 00:02

I think that the Marie Kondo method to life is needed here. Does he spark joy? If so why and is it to do with him? If not then declutter your life of a pocket full of carrier bags. BTW the pretty coloured string bags on Rex London are much nicer than any secondhand carrier...

www.rexlondon.com/mint-green-organic-cotton-string-bag

Original poster
Feelquiteisolated · 09/01/2023 00:02

Namechangingagain111 · 08/01/2023 23:58

I voted YABU for not already dumping him over this.
What a dick and why are you putting up with it ?

Plus - this is where I'm probably being U - I get the rage when people describe their other half as DP when they don't live together.

DP? Partner in what? You don't even share shopping bags FGS

Ah yeah fair enough😳

OP posts:
SnowlayRoundabout · 09/01/2023 00:02

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/01/2023 23:22

Why do you not take shopping bags with you whenever you to go a shop?

Looks like you were picking a fight to be honest, if you could have bought one anyway.

What on earth is the relevance of that? There are lots of perfectly valid reasons why someone may not have a bag with them. OP wasn't picking a fight, she was making a perfectly reasonable request to borrow a bag which her partner wasn't going to use anyway.

If it hurt him so much to mess up his system, the question which seems to me to arise is - why didn't he just buy one for OP himself?

HeddaGarbled · 09/01/2023 00:02

*As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)*

Dump this knobhead 😱

BrutusMcDogface · 09/01/2023 00:03

Run for the fucking hills.

You are right to be upset about it; he obviously has big issues re: organisation and the fact that he doesn’t want you to ‘mess up his systems’ shows that it is very much his problem, and you have done nothing wrong.

Sounds like hard work, though.

Neveranynamesleft · 09/01/2023 00:03

On a more serious note OP, please tell us what exactly you get out of this ' relationship '...
Time to give your head a serious mumsnet wobble....

FictionalCharacter · 09/01/2023 00:03

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:57

Thank you everyone.

As for paying for more, he doesn't want to eat out, he says that I do and it's inferior food so he shouldn't pay. But he has the same 3 meals every day. I don't like them (I don't hate them but I can't eat the same 3 meals every day) so when I'm there we have issues.

He criticises everything I do, he tells me to speed up if I'm doing 40 in a 50, he goes crazy if I drive at more than 55 on the motorway. This is my own car, that he contributes zero to. I shower wrong or at the wrong time. I moisturise my face wrong, I washed a cup wrong in his sink today and he flicked water in my face (there's never been any violence tho)

This must look like a total dripfeed, it's not, I'm just feeling a bit upset about the whole day but mostly him telling me I'm being dramatic and then going to bed leaving me feeling abandoned. To the poster that said this is a red flag, I totally agree!

Why on earth are you in this awful relationship with this awful man? Do you not believe you’re worth more than this?

yorkshirepudsx · 09/01/2023 00:03

This reminds me of a friend I had years ago that sent me a message on Facebook asking me to replace the 2teabags I'd used when their partner made me a brew
I thought it was a joke but it wasn't and it caused a lot of drama and I bought one of those massive bags of teabags and left it on their doorstep to be petty lol.

Please order loads of carrier bags to his house, every size and colour you can find

RosesAndHellebores · 09/01/2023 00:03

He sounds like Roy Cropper.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/01/2023 00:04

I voted YABU for not already dumping him over this.
What a dick and why are you putting up with it ?

Yes, he's actually done you a much bigger favour than he would have done lending you a bag - showing you who he is. This kind of behaviour, although maybe silly and absurd-sounding now, will very quickly get old and is a whole row of red bunting for the potential future.

If you stay together and have children further down the line, do you honestly think a man who won't even share his carrier bags with you would be the sort to want to support you through maternity leave and share your family finances in a way that will be fair to both of you?

ParrotsAteThemAll · 09/01/2023 00:04

Is this him?

DP won't lend me his carrier bags
ABrotherWhoLooksLikeHellMugYou · 09/01/2023 00:05

He's either a selfish abusive cunt or quite a long way down the ND rabbithole (I say this as someone who lives down that particular burrow with many similar family members). Either way he's not going to change. Either decide if you can live with it or leave. He's obviously not going to change as he sees nothing wrong with it.

yorkshirepudsx · 09/01/2023 00:05

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 09/01/2023 00:04

I voted YABU for not already dumping him over this.
What a dick and why are you putting up with it ?

Yes, he's actually done you a much bigger favour than he would have done lending you a bag - showing you who he is. This kind of behaviour, although maybe silly and absurd-sounding now, will very quickly get old and is a whole row of red bunting for the potential future.

If you stay together and have children further down the line, do you honestly think a man who won't even share his carrier bags with you would be the sort to want to support you through maternity leave and share your family finances in a way that will be fair to both of you?

The amount of times I run out of nappy bags and have to use one of my bags for life for an explosive shit nappy, imagine the chaos he'd experience with me

gavisconismyfriend · 09/01/2023 00:06

I hope you’re doing okay OP. From the outside this feels like it might be one of those moments where a tiny seemingly insignificant thing like a carrier bag tips the world on its axis and you’re suddenly seeing your relationship through a whole new lens. Give yourself time to process it and then work out what you want to do. At least now you have a very clear idea of what you’re signing up to if you choose to stay with him long term.

SnowlayRoundabout · 09/01/2023 00:06

I hope you've demanded back the £1.30 you paid out for him.

But seriously, this is no way to live. Time to plan your exit.