DP won't lend me his carrier bags

[Feelquiteisolated]

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

He’s a narcissist, my husband is the same. He gets really upset if someone uses something of his, even if it is just a carrier bag.
he’ll lecture us on not being organised and how wonderful he is by being prepared etc!!!
Get out now!!!!

Wanky triangles

Gold!

Or a sac of cack 💩

Jeez, how do you get through a day being so uptight about something so trivial? My husband often uses the bags I take with me - he never takes any- big deal! Maybe it's me who's wrong and I should have a hissy fit each time?

Brilliant 😂😂

I was gonna make some stupid joke but after reading the other comment you made about the car etc I feel I very urgently need to tell you to get out of this relationship as a matter of urgency. This is not just a red flag, it's an entire battalion waving GET OUT in semaphore.

He is abusive and this is only going to get worse if you move in together, have children together etc. It doesn’t matter if he’s ND, narcissistic or just a bit quirky, he is damaging to you. You need to open your eyes to this.

@BloodyHellHarry

It's not about having a hissy fit, it's about making sure you are organised.

Maybe he OCD, or something else that causes him to feel this way. I think it's about having an open mind about why he reacts this way.

so many red flags!! He sounds very controlling. If this is for real please get out of this relationship. Why are you paying for him? Why does he humiliate you? Why do you accept this behaviour?

Leave the idiotic twit.

Here’s a song for you to play to him.
Carrier Bag Man - The Fall

He's tight, terrifyingly controlling, carping, micromanaging & abusive.
OP doesn't need to understand WHY he feels & acts as he does - she just needs to realise how abnormal it is, how much she's been conditioned to accept it & twist her own life & responses to accommodate his nastiness, & get out.

You also banged on about her organisation. She organises more than her b/f does. he can't even organise paying for his own £1.30 item of shopping that he put into OP's basket, fully expecting her to pick up that tiny tab at the same time as berating her for wanting to borrow one of his 3 precious bags. He can't even organise his way into paying more than 20% of their meals out together, or taking fair turns at driving. I don't think OP is the partner who needed your misinformed little lecture.

It's quite a juvenile, tiresome relationship though.

You've spent two years in a relationship you find 'juvenile and tiresome'. OP, you deserve better than this. Be kind to yourself and dump him.

@BloodyHellHarry

If your message is to leave him due to a plastic bag. Fine. But don't complain if she resents her decision 5 years later, due to a guy who has an obsession with video games, rather than a guy who has an obsession over plastic bags.

Everyone has issues, no one is perfect. And I am here to let the OP know that it needs to be checked up, she needs to understand fully why he is like that, rather than just leaving him over a plastic bag.

Absolutely 100% spot on.

Have you read the OP's posts? It very obviously isn't just about the bags, is it? And she's far more likely to resent staying with him in 5 years time than leaving him. Good grief.

She "needs to understand fully" why she's still with him, not why he does it. Insight into the former is useful to her - self knowledge always is. Insight into the latter isn't something she "needs" at all, especially if it makes her pity him and continue to put her own needs last. Her understanding might be something he needs but it seems from the subsequent posts you haven't read that he's a controlling abusive arsehole and therefore doesn't matter.

Also, everything else aside, having to eat jacket potatoes every day is grounds to LTB.

She doesn’t need to fully understand why he is like that. She is not his mental health therapist. She just needs to decide whether this and all the other instances of odd, rigid and controlling behaviour are something she is prepared to put up with.

OCD is real but it doesn’t mean you have to be an asshat.

Sounds like DP has more going on, ie OCD, autism or something along those lines, & genuinely struggles with changes/things being used by others but they are the ones who have been rude.
From what you are saying they seem to be happy taking from you & using your stuff without thought for you or the impact that has on you.
On the bag side I can sort of feel what they may be feeling.
I have OCD & I am pretty precious about my bags & I get anxious if I don’t have the right bags for my shopping.
I will lend them out but only on the promise 1) they are returned as they are mine,
2) it would be disrespectful (to me) not to return someone else’s stuff,
& 3) that they are folded the way I fold them.
They all fit neatly into one bigger bag when they are folded correctly & if they aren’t folded correctly they don’t open properly for packing which can cause me anxiety as I have to pack everything in a certain order at the shops too.

As for the paying more for stuff when you are out & about stop doing it if it is bothering you. He has his own money & can pay for himself.

Your relationship sounds really strained, you are literally falling out over bags, & to be honest I wonder if you being together is right for either of you 😬

Reading this section of your post I think your DP is most definitely on the Autistic scale with OCD & potentially ADHD tendencies too.
The behaviours & mannerisms sound just like my brother who as it happens has ADHD, autism & is Dyspraxic as well.
My brother’s favourite reason for not being able to do something is simply ‘I can’t because I have a bone in my leg’ & he is very regimented with his food & organisation but the ADHD side makes it hard for him to focus & get rid of stuff so his home ends up organised but cluttered.
Your DP dealing with these issues doesn’t excuse their attitude & poor treatment of you though & to be honest I would have moved on already because unless they can acknowledge their struggles & get help nothing will even change.

You need to lay all your cards on the table, maybe try relationship counselling if you want to stay together, but without your DP dealing with their issues this relationship is going nowhere.

Grrrrdarling

^ a lot of what you have posted seems like good advice but why use a third person pronoun? OP has referred to her partner as male so using they makes it much harder to read your advice.

It's quite a juvenile, tiresome relationship though.

You know that and yet you're staying with him? Why are you with him? Because I don't think anything counteracts something being juvenile and tiresome. I've been single for long periods of time. It's infinitely preferable to a relationship like this.

Lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

🧐