Page 26 | DP won't lend me his carrier bags

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/01/2023 23:40

HeddaGarbled · 08/01/2023 23:24

I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc

Well stop that, for starters.

Yes, stop this at once. Next meal out just pay for your own meal and drinks, he does 50% of the driving from now on, tell him it’s his turn to drive. Oh and stop the treats, and get yourself loaded up with a fold up lightweight tote bag.

cfb35 · 10/01/2023 23:49

Well he does, yes, and even gives me a mini “lecture” about how being prepared is essential… But, he’s used to me now and doesn’t take offence when I tell him jovially to “get a grip and give me a F-ing bag”!!!

ComfortablyDazed · 10/01/2023 23:53

cfb35 · 10/01/2023 23:26

Love this, read it to my DH of 33 years.
We both laughed a lot!!
DH is like your DP, super organised and has bags available for all eventualities, bags for life, dog poo bags, massive blue ikea bags, jute/canvas bags it really is ridiculous.
I on the other hand generally have 1 bag available and invariably over-shop so that I need to either borrow from him if we’re together or just struggle/ search for a cardboard box in store to enable me to get to the car!!
DH thinks your DP is perfectly “normal”!!
I think your DP is like my DH and that is anything but normal. (He is odd in other ways too!!)
However, it takes all sorts to make a wonderful world, and peoples eccentricities are often the things that make it interesting and fun whether it is a partner, colleague or friend that seems like an odd-ball!!
Try not to over think his upset, and bring in other issues, treats etc, to justify you needing his bags. It is what it is, one thing that winds him up/you up.

And now, maybe take the time to read the rest of the thread. Or at least the OP’s posts.

Original poster

Feelquiteisolated · 10/01/2023 23:58

Thank you for the replies.

The issue with the carrier bags has come up before but this time it did feel hurtful when I had just paid for lunch and to top it off, he added an item to my shopping! Seemed very CFery.

I have different values, like a previous poster said, I'd give a colleague or even someone behind me in the queue a bag if they needed one. I'd give my partner absolutely anything he needed that I had.

But the criticism and then silent treatment made it worse.

I don't know if he's ND, there are other quirks but I don't want to do a character assassination here and I do genuinely enjoy his personality, company and our relationship for the most part.

But even having said that I've always had big doubts that things will work out long term.

The poster that suggested I am ND, I don't know, I haven't ever thought that before or had that asked of me. How would I know?

To the poster that said DP thinks we are just friends, no, he calls me his GF, we have an adult relationship, he loves me, I'm quite sure he does, as much as he could. It's quite a juvenile, tiresome relationship though.

Thank you to everyone for the advice and caring responses x

OP posts:

ortonym · 11/01/2023 00:00

Juvenile and tiresome???

ComfortablyDazed · 11/01/2023 00:05

So it sounds like you’re going to make your peace with this unhappy situation, and put up and shut up then, @Feelquiteisolated?

laylababe5 · 11/01/2023 00:06

Some people are very attached to having everything in the correct place and actually get extremely stressed out when they are not. Is there any chance this person is on the autism spectrum? Any sensory issues or problems being affectionate?

Gendercritic · 11/01/2023 00:06

A juvenile, tiresome relationship in which he criticises you, humiliates you and leaves you feeling alone and isolated.... It doesn't matter about the good times you sometimes enjoy, they're not worth it. This is an unhealthy, abusive relationship and you deserve better.

ComfortablyDazed · 11/01/2023 00:12

laylababe5 · 11/01/2023 00:06

Some people are very attached to having everything in the correct place and actually get extremely stressed out when they are not. Is there any chance this person is on the autism spectrum? Any sensory issues or problems being affectionate?

RTFT

wellstopdoingitthen · 11/01/2023 00:19

He's just too strange & selfish.
I would pack my/his bags & get away from him. Good luck x

Shauny098 · 11/01/2023 00:24

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

Please tell me this is joke….how did your vajaay not healed over the second you got that WhatsApp msg 😂🤦🏼‍♀️. He ain’t the one sis

Angrywife · 11/01/2023 01:52

Feelquiteisolated · 08/01/2023 23:16

I know this sounds totally ridiculous but DP and I had a fall out today over carrier bags.

DP is organised, he carries 3 carrier bags in his coat and more in his car and house. I spend most weekends at his house and I have bags in my car but none in my coat. Today we went shopping and I had no bags. Had I been alone I would have bought some, but he had some. He wouldn't loan me one of his 3 in his pockets, and said I needed to buy my own.

I was not happy. I bought his lunch and dinner yesterday and during the shopping trip he added an item that cost £1.30 so I was like "well I'm worth a 20p bag!"

He ended up loaning me the bag but tonight he expressed his unhappiness on WhatsApp. He said I have no right to spoil his systems, I don't respect him, he doesn't want my mess adding to his mess. He said it's a tragedy because he can see himself ending up with no bags.

He said I need to know my behaviour was not acceptable. But I really just think if he has something I need why would he make me buy it, it feels humiliating to me. But perhaps I'm missing the point and I need to pay for not being organised.

I feel like I generally pay for more than him, well no, I know this is true. I pay for 80% of our meals out, I drive over 50% of the time, I buy him treats etc.

So he said all that and then said for me to stop being dramatic because he was going to bed. This was before 9.30pm. I'm left feeling a bit abandoned, isolated and lonely. I don't really think I'm a needy person but I feel this way quite often.

This is totally outing if he reads it, but oh well.

AIBU? should I buy and carry my own bags and buy them while out even if I would only need to borrow for a short time?

Wtf have I just read.

If by some chance this is genuine, dump him now!
I can't fathom for a second that it might be genuine. You're taking the piss aren't you. You must be

T1Dmama · 11/01/2023 02:10

Gendercritic · 11/01/2023 00:06

A juvenile, tiresome relationship in which he criticises you, humiliates you and leaves you feeling alone and isolated.... It doesn't matter about the good times you sometimes enjoy, they're not worth it. This is an unhealthy, abusive relationship and you deserve better.

^ THIS ^

I think you need to start distancing yourself. Maybe spend less time together.
I would say 100% he’s on the autistic spectrum… the whole thing with him eating the same 3 meals EVERY single day.
His lack of empathy and social skills around eating out and taking it in turns to pay (despite it not being his idea to eat out)… plus his obsession about having exactly 3 bags in his jacket and being reluctant to actually use them/let you use them! You relationship will unlikely progress to much more than it is now. He seems comfortable with living apart and having his space his bags to himself!!
Could you cook for him and have him at yours? Or visit him and cook there to save some money & change the menu up or is his anal about his kitchen being shared too?

kateandme · 11/01/2023 03:52

If he has issues that's hard for him and I'm sorry if it makes his life hard.
But this is something you will experience again and again op. Can you carry on having to go through it.
And usually with ocd it doesn't stop.it will spiral and it will go into every aspect of the sufferers life.i don't no how long he will have before that happens but it will.
I bet it started with just one thing.one meal,or one bag say,then suddenly all meals were the same,or he had yo have bags in every pocket.
Slowly slowly the things he has to do will grow.
He can of course try and seek help.but for that he needs to want to.
But equally people who suffer aren't cruel,and often go out there way to protect others from it.and actually are some of the nicest kindest people and have these disorders because of that trait!
So your do is doing some shitty things to you.

ChellyT · 11/01/2023 04:19

What a shitty DP. Please return his energy and attitude and see how he likes it? I would put money on the fact that he would could you tight and nasty!

freezingpompoms · 11/01/2023 04:36

dudsville · 08/01/2023 23:22

This guy's response at the time in the shop and then by WhatsApp later falls well outside the mean. Don't let his unique perspective sway you from your grip on reality. It's his anxiety that he's trying to manage and he's trying to blame you for the increase in anxiety that he suffered at the request to share his bag. This has nothing to do with you.

Spot on.

Run a mile OP

freezingpompoms · 11/01/2023 04:51

Op so there are good and bad things about the relationship?

But really really in the long term do you think this is how you can live? Just because you've known him forever and understand his quirks doesn't make it a good relationship.

You don't have to live like this.

Saju1 · 11/01/2023 05:51

I sort of understand where he is coming from. If I were him, I would have said "you can use the bag, but only if you make sure to give it back".

I am quite a messy person, and it annoys me partner. I am however very organised in some aspects of my life, and will not accept anyone messing these areas up, I don't care what the excuse is.

I don't think he was being tight, he has this section of his life in order (making sure he has bags with him) which could have taken him ages to do, then you appear to not bring any bags. It's a system he cares about, which you have shown less care on.

Don't break up over bags.

Make sure you always have bags on you.

Take this as the time you learnt to always have bags with you.

ComfortablyDazed · 11/01/2023 06:09

RTFT @Saju1

berryhol · 11/01/2023 06:51

Your partner has autism. He doesn’t like change and has no theory of mind.

Rottweilermummy · 11/01/2023 07:06

I would get out of that relationship if I were you. You are doing all the running around and spending and he's getting arsey over lending you a carrier bag, has he done this before? (overacted about something) he sounds like he has a few issues which I think are going to make the relationship hard work how long have you been in relationship btw? I also am a big star sign geek and always look into opposites intrigued as to your star signs.
on a lighter note least you won't forget to take bags with you again 😉

Ladybug14 · 11/01/2023 07:23

Bless you @Feelquiteisolated - you can do better then juvenile and tiresome, even with some jolly times thrown in. I'd leave him.

cocktailclub · 11/01/2023 07:25

As others have highlighted, the fact you pay most of the time, drive more of the time is of more concern than the carrier bag issue.
He is treating you badly and doesn't reciprocate your generosity.

JustBeKinder · 11/01/2023 07:31

This sounds very much to me like he is on the autistic spectrum and may go some way to explaining bizarre behaviour as often people are very happy living within the confines of their own schedules and limitations but as soon as something irregular happens that’s not planned for, they can’t cope and to them their resulting unreasonable behaviour is a normal response. If this is the case and it’s something you can live with, fair enough but if not, then just know the behaviour is unlikely to change.

Carlycat · 11/01/2023 07:41

He's a weird fucker 🤮