Cracked in shop

[Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal]

So went shopping this afternoon with 2 dc under 5 and dh.

Ds3 has special needs and is very, very dependant on certain routines. Just little things like loading shopping on conveyor belt, waiting our turn (which we have to practice as part of his speech development) etc.

So weve unloaded our shopping and waiting for the lady in front to finish packing and pay. Old man behind us starts huffing and puffing because theres space on the conveyor belt he cant access because we are in a line of ds, me, trolley, dh down the side. No room to the side.

Old man says move down. This is my aibu. Dh then shouts down to me, can you move down. I said no not at the minute, because the lady infront was at the card machine blocking our path.

dh gets ruder and says you just need to move, We're blocking the conveyor belt. If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down.

We then get to the end of the checkout to pack and dh then said the old man was grumbling we needed to move down and I should have listened.

Not gonna lie, I snapped and retorted that the sanctimonious old bloke should learn some patience and he wasn't going to get his shopping down any quicker having to wait an extra minute to load the half belt that was free.

Dh looked shocked and said I'd lost the plot and needed to learn manners. He kept on about how I'm better than that and I'd embarrassed him.

I think the whole situation could've been avoided if dh at turned round and just said, sorry can't move yet.

I realise this may sound incredibly petty but honestly the fact dh was willing to put me and ds through a meltdown to accommodate someone who was being rude and actually wouldn't have had a quicker experience anyway just annoys me. It's escalated into us not speaking to each other and him refusing the put the christmas decorations in the loft because of my behaviour.

I'm just sad.

The old man reference was purely descriptive, I'm not sure old is derogatory? I'll be old one day hopefully.

If the man behind me was considerably younger than me I wouldve written young man. I think the only time I would've put man was if he was a similar age to me, not sure why.

You didn't mention the age of the woman in front though. You can't really backpedal from 'sanctimonious old bloke,' OP.

I'd own it and try to avoid in future - it certainly sounds pretty ageist.

So why didn't you mention the age of the woman in front?

Missing the point but why are all 4 of you shopping together? Madness, why couldn’t one of you go in and the other stay outside or at home with the children?

She was my age give or take. Well that's true, I did use it negatively in the shop. I shouldn't have said it.

When I'd calmed down and was writing my op, I'd used it descriptively is what I meant.

This sounds like it can be quite hard work, and really it's about not being on the same page as parents. I think if you have a child who is neurodivergent, parents can go off down different ways of approaching how to be a good parent. Your DH sounds like he's of the mindset that they 'have to learn', but for a nd child this approach is just likely to cause more anxiety and make things worse. Nobody can learn when they are in an anxious and stressed out state (which is what a meltdown is), our brains simply don't allow us to learn when we are in this state - we are in survival mode. We learn best when we feel calm and safe - that's basic neuropsychology.

Ultimately I do think that parents who make your husbands choice are making it harder down the line, and it really sounds like he needs to understand better about the reality of having a child who processes information and responds to situations differently to how he does.

Sounds like this was the straw that broke the camels back for you, I think you're doing the right thing trying to understand your ds and support his actual needs.

OP I just want to say you sound like a wonderful mum! Your DS is lucky to have you

Well, that may or may not satisfy the posters who are tired of reading ageist comments here.

Can you address the other points that I and other posters have made - that name calling and judging someone when you don't know their situation is exactly what you don't want for your DC.

That's what you did to this man. Your DC will be an adult one day - you're obviously attentive and mindful about his needs, but you really need add in modelling the kind, patient, non-judgemental behaviour you expect from others.

I'm not sure why one parent and the non-SN child didn't just move from the queue and wait away from the business end of the checkout to help with packing once the shopping was through?

Had that been done, all this dramarama, and the very public humiliating verbal abuse of one elderly gentleman would not have occurred.

shit happens.?? old guy woulda had no idea of your reasoning. husband should NEver be rude to you..you were as bad call old fella sanctamonious-dh could have maybe said,i can help you unload your things if that helps??
Is NOT exactly benefitting anyone if ds3 "learns" the art of taking turns allows for poor manners and parental rows. .Did you all absolutely HAVE to make shopping a full family event???
Perhaps play learn shops(queing included)
or at shop where kids are one item(sweets/comic)each and have own money ,so turn taking.one to one exchanges with shopkeeper...far more patient in que if rewarded from waiting AND are next to face the cashier maybe?
w
could be storm in tcup ish ,,,til your tears in car.
incident in store not THAT big a deal. to answer your aibu-yes/no/as as (un)resonable as ev one else acting as individuals in a small moment

Getting ooff ffence re what the MORE prominent issues are.YOU said-begining of sen journey.THAT is key.However two adults escalating that to a state its continued and escalated isnt good.
REALLY ddislike the punishment re decos in loft......BUT can you not do that.??
pair of you behaviour isnt good tho-you arent communicating. i get it this all run paaar4alell to ev thin else family life..has on rest of day. Take five mins alone in your head- consider...expectations. Yours not being met -husband not a mind reader. maybe focus on reass what yours are.what his are.sspeaking to each other is vital.
back to start of sens journey-not mean insultingly to anyone(aware i lack tact).You maybe avoided/not got as far as the emotional impact - bear in mind- you ARE allowed independant thots/feelings. as are husband\kids....
again
communication is necessary

So it's ok for a small child with autism to be stressed and meltdown in a shop but it's not ok for an adult with autism to be stressed and meltdown. Ok. Got it.

DH unreasonable.

He should have had your back against miserable old fart.

🙄

The real issue here is the wider pattern of the DH not accepting the realities of his son's needs to the point that he'll put strangers first. Then he'll strop about being challenged.
He's got a lot of listening and learning to do.

Your DH sounds like he has anxiety issues or is ball less! He is OOO. You were def NBU.

You were incredibly rude. How was the old man, or anyone supposed to know your child has special needs? Nobody could know that.

How embarrassing.

It would have been much better if you had turned around and said to the man,

"I'm really sorry, I'll move down as soon as I can, there isn't enough space at the moment" in a polite and friendly manner.

Any reason why you couldn't do that?

All your husband's fault

Or, op's husband, the person the man behind was actually talking to, could have said this, instead of expecting his wife to as she is busy paying attention to their ds who may find this situation challenging, and she wants to minimise that.

OP, I have a sen child so I completely empathise. You’ll gain confidence in not giving a fudge about anything when out with your child. Your sen child is your priority as you know, your husband just hadn’t read that memo yet. If it happens again, and your son has a meltdown, walk away and let your husband deal with it. He’ll soon bloody learn that placating your sen child is more important that not irritating a stranger. Yes you may have lost your temper, but Christ, having a sen child is so hard. My son is now 8, I’m very matter of fact that he is Asd now, Asd kids get overwhelmed and have meltdowns. I used to get embarrassed as I hate attention but I don’t care now! Think sen parents develop a thick skin after a while. You sound like a fantastic mum btw. Maybe when you’ve both cooled off try talking to your husband about it all.

So... disabled people should stay at home and not go out, practice various life skills, go about their lives, because they may get in your way and slow you down?

Thats your attitude?

OP your husband clearly needs to up his game, he could have explained the situation, briefly, to the person behind him. Instead he tried to make you and child feel bad to facilitate someone elses impatience. Thats shitty.

My child is on the spectrum and he’s absolutely fine with routines. Loves them. For example if I say we are leaving somewhere he will pick up his back to leave ....but he doesn’t understand why we don’t leave immediately and his dad will stuff around saying goodbye & remain talking to everyone which can take ages. It pisses me off too and there’s absolutely no need for it. Next minute there’s a meltdown and my partner is surprised. If we say we are leaving then we need to leave - not stand around talking for ages.

It sounds like your husband doesn’t understand your son. My son’s father doesn’t either. I actually find that my son is easy to look after if I stick to the routines.

I’ve let my son have a meltdown because my partner wants to get involved in something and I know how it’s going to play out but he just has to see it.

Quite frankly it’s easier when I’m with my son and I’m just by myself.

Routines are important for young children - irrespective of their status.

Your husband has sulking because you treated him like a child. You made a choice to avoid a meltdown and as a consequence of that choice your husband is refusing to put the decorations away. It’s one way of asserting his control because you took that control away from him at the store. So do it yourself. You put the decorations away. Don’t you dare wait for him to do it. Take control of the situation right now.

I have a child with sen. We have had many a public meltdown and there's been times when I've done things other people will find bizarre to soothe my child . (Such as removing his shoes and socks and rubbing his feet. ) it's tough and my dh finds it harder as he does it less than me. Your dh needs to prioritise advocating for your son over his own embarrassment. But in this instance why would you move down when someone is paying? I've never done that. Either you or dh needed to say to the man "there's someone there" job done. Also your reaction was over the top, I'm assuming because it touched a nerve. If you snap at your dh your point gets lost in the argument and you just look unreasonable. Try to stay calm and reiterate why you are doing what you are doing. Your dh needs to learn , this will come quicker if you are a team.