Cracked in shop

[Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal]

So went shopping this afternoon with 2 dc under 5 and dh.

Ds3 has special needs and is very, very dependant on certain routines. Just little things like loading shopping on conveyor belt, waiting our turn (which we have to practice as part of his speech development) etc.

So weve unloaded our shopping and waiting for the lady in front to finish packing and pay. Old man behind us starts huffing and puffing because theres space on the conveyor belt he cant access because we are in a line of ds, me, trolley, dh down the side. No room to the side.

Old man says move down. This is my aibu. Dh then shouts down to me, can you move down. I said no not at the minute, because the lady infront was at the card machine blocking our path.

dh gets ruder and says you just need to move, We're blocking the conveyor belt. If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down.

We then get to the end of the checkout to pack and dh then said the old man was grumbling we needed to move down and I should have listened.

Not gonna lie, I snapped and retorted that the sanctimonious old bloke should learn some patience and he wasn't going to get his shopping down any quicker having to wait an extra minute to load the half belt that was free.

Dh looked shocked and said I'd lost the plot and needed to learn manners. He kept on about how I'm better than that and I'd embarrassed him.

I think the whole situation could've been avoided if dh at turned round and just said, sorry can't move yet.

I realise this may sound incredibly petty but honestly the fact dh was willing to put me and ds through a meltdown to accommodate someone who was being rude and actually wouldn't have had a quicker experience anyway just annoys me. It's escalated into us not speaking to each other and him refusing the put the christmas decorations in the loft because of my behaviour.

I'm just sad.

So to summarise:

• He actively prioritises other people over his own family
• He doesn’t spot or ignores DS triggers (perhaps refuses to believe there is any issue)
• He actually does stuff to purposely upset DS - for no reason, like putting things on the conveyor belt
• He is with-holding household chores as a punishment for your ‘behaviour’.
• He is trying to change your behaviour

Am I missing anything?! What does this guy actually bring to your life and that of your childrens? Does he make things better or worse? I can see several red flags for abusive behaviour TBH. Maybe he is angry about your kid’s extra needs? Maybe he is just a dick? Regardless I would either be leaving him or requesting that he gets therapy. Not couple therapy as that is notoriously bad for potentially abusive situations. Maybe a good idea for you to get therapy by yourself and use it to build up your confidence to deal with this A-hole! Sorry OP, but be strong - YANBU.

I see the 'justers' are out tonight

Just shop on your own
Just send your DH
Just write a list (Can she not write a list of products to purchase? We could even call it a shopping list wins the prize for the most unhelpful, snarkiest, rudest post so far. Must have taken you ages to come up with that one)
Just leave special needs DS at home
Just tell special needs DS the world doesn't revolve around him
Just take special needs DS somewhere quiet instead of a supermarket (how is that supposed to teach him about supermarkets, crowds & queuing?)

'Huffing & puffing' means the man was moaning, not out of breath. He could also have asked more politely. DH could have taken his people pleasing head out of his arse & explained the situation instead of playing Shining White Knight and getting ruder towards & belittling his wife & children. Embarrassed? Tough shit. Not putting the decorations away? Pathetic.

YWNBU and your DH needs to start listening to you or, better, thinking for himself about your son in this sort of situation or it is going to be a very long hard road especially if he’s going to call you “crazy” or “embarrassing”. I’d be tempted to be making him do more alone with your DS so he sees the consequences/ notices the triggers better. As an aside, unless your DS loves shopping for some reason, have you considered whether online ordering might be better?

Holy moly are you always this dramatic?

I'm not an old man, but if I got to a belt with a heavy trolley and my varicose veins felt like they were about to pop, I might possibly 'huff and puff' (a very judgy way to describe it) if I thought folk were fannying about.

The sanctimonious old man may also have had a hidden disability (and having his own meltdown) and hopefully no one will treat your ds3 the same way in future (resorting to name calling or discriminatory comments)

I've been in similar situations but accompanying an adult with special needs and it could be a nightmare. I also used to worry about them going out alone. (They were once literally punched in the face, during their usual routine of stopping and admiring cars - as one vehicle owner unfortunately assumed they were looking to break into it! On another occasion they were videoed for the amusement of others)

Maybe work on communication with DH on how to tackle various scenarios. It will be important for ds3 to learn from you both how you deal with these situations. And those learned behaviours tend to follow us into adulthood.

He sounds a right wimp. Why didn't he have your back in this situation?

And what does any of that have to do with shouting at other people in shops? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Id get flustered with someone trying to move up and I can totally see why the husband did. I’m not sure how much fresh air your kid is getting in the supermarket either…

I didn’t say op should be the adult that went btw. Sharing the mental load of shopping does not mean being joined at the hip while doing it. In fact that can, as this thread amply demonstrates, have quite the opposite effect.

My sister is like that, constantly worrying about accommodating randoms instead of her own family.

This whole situation is minor and not worth falling out over. You both need to work on conflict resolution.

When you both have calmed down, you need to have a chat about a united front and what you both expect from each other when in public with a son with a challenging routine.

You need to lead the conversation with there was another customer paying at the till, so there wasn’t room for you to move past the lady. Therefore he should have trusted your judgment call instead of stropping. Be clear that your son was already shrieking/agitated so in that moment, your husband had the wrong set of priorities. Parents bickering will distress your son.

this situation WILL crop up again, the old man can be replaced by any distraction. It’s not what the situation is but how you both respond to it

sometimes you just need another adult to share the mental load of shopping

This is just beyond ridiculous as to why you cannot go shopping alone to Tesco.

He should absolutely have been on your side and not trying to please some random guy he will never see again especially with your sons need in mind

The sanctimonious old man may also have had a hidden disability (and having his own meltdown) and hopefully no one will treat your ds3 the same way in future (resorting to name calling or discriminatory comments)

Yes, this.

No one behaved well here (your DH needs to sort out his priorities here), but either it's okay to call people names and make assumptions about their capabilities, wellness, situation, whatever, or it's not.

Young children with additional needs and hidden disabilities become adults, and their needs may be even harder to spot. If you want people to be considerate and accommodating for a member of your family, that's how you treat other people as well, whether they're 3, 33 or 93.

Would ds wearing a lanyard help? My ds is awaiting assessment at 14. He is a nightmare out of the house... If he had been 4 not 14 he would be wearing one...

What even is the “mental load” of shopping? You’re going to need to do a food shop every week/month until you die. Presumably you’ll get used to doing it alone and get a bit of a routine down rather than a mental complex about it - as ultimately it’s a frequent thing you’ll need to do

Exactly I love alone, of the things that happen shopping is low on the mental load.

It's just overly dramatic.

Is there any need for an entire family of four to do the food shop at the weekend if you know one of the kids needs it to be done in a particular way? Could you or dh not have gone on your own and left the kids with the other one? Leave the educational trips for a quieter day?

Like most of the responses on ‘DH’ threads. The theatrics and extrapolation never ceases to amaze me, every suboptimal behaviour read into as a ‘sinister red flag’

You and dh are both unreasonable to go shopping on mass when it's a one person job.
Takes the stress of meltdowns away

Op, you didn’t do anything wrong at all, for shopping as a family (can’t believe some posters say this is unreasonable!)
He should have had patience and waited his turn, when the lady had finished, you could then move down to do your shopping and in turn he could put his on..people are arseholes!

If you read the OP's posts, she clearly explains that it's nice to have her husband there to share the mental load of shopping because she does pretty much everything else.

Oh my..! What a day, you are human and you are totally allowed to snap somedays, especially at grumpy huffy types, don’t worry!
I can relate I’ve also 2 children under 5 and one with special needs. We find ourselves doing all sorts of things to prevent the meltdowns! It’s so sad the lack of understanding people have. I hope people will look back in horror one day. Hubby sounds just like mine too, super sensitive to others opinions. And it hurts, when you just want a bit of unbiased loyalty somedays! Never stop championing for your atypical’s. Good luck out there!

How do all of you blaming the "old" man know he didn't have some form of ASD?

I would say the opposite. I find it incredibly rude when people clamour to get their stuff on the belt even though there are still several customers in from of them. Usually goes hand in hand with people invading your personal space if you don't move forward quickly enough. If one lady was still paying and the family behind were unloading then the old man should just wait his turn.

Sounds like bringing him and the kids triples the ‘mental load’ of shopping.