Cracked in shop

[Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal]

So went shopping this afternoon with 2 dc under 5 and dh.

Ds3 has special needs and is very, very dependant on certain routines. Just little things like loading shopping on conveyor belt, waiting our turn (which we have to practice as part of his speech development) etc.

So weve unloaded our shopping and waiting for the lady in front to finish packing and pay. Old man behind us starts huffing and puffing because theres space on the conveyor belt he cant access because we are in a line of ds, me, trolley, dh down the side. No room to the side.

Old man says move down. This is my aibu. Dh then shouts down to me, can you move down. I said no not at the minute, because the lady infront was at the card machine blocking our path.

dh gets ruder and says you just need to move, We're blocking the conveyor belt. If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down.

We then get to the end of the checkout to pack and dh then said the old man was grumbling we needed to move down and I should have listened.

Not gonna lie, I snapped and retorted that the sanctimonious old bloke should learn some patience and he wasn't going to get his shopping down any quicker having to wait an extra minute to load the half belt that was free.

Dh looked shocked and said I'd lost the plot and needed to learn manners. He kept on about how I'm better than that and I'd embarrassed him.

I think the whole situation could've been avoided if dh at turned round and just said, sorry can't move yet.

I realise this may sound incredibly petty but honestly the fact dh was willing to put me and ds through a meltdown to accommodate someone who was being rude and actually wouldn't have had a quicker experience anyway just annoys me. It's escalated into us not speaking to each other and him refusing the put the christmas decorations in the loft because of my behaviour.

I'm just sad.

My son would have had a major meltdown if his routine at the checkout had changed also x but luckily we are 18 years down the autism journey and have grown a thick skin to impatient people 🤷‍♀️)old people ate the worst because autism didn't exist when they were young cough cough) !
Luckily my other half is like me and doesn't give a shot if we inconvenience people for a few extra minutes and would have said something to the old guy.
Keep doing what your doing mamma and remember your sons happiness trumps everyone else x

I’m with you OP - your husband needs to worry less about some random man who thinks his time is more valuable than yours, and make sure his wife and children are ok.

I’m always rude back to people huffing or bumping me with their trolley in a queue - I normally ask them what is it that makes them so important, I have to immediately jump to obey them. I’ve yet to hear an acceptable reason for their impatience 😁

We had nowhere to go. Even if me and ds weren't there it'd only be an extra couple of feet so he couldn't have reached where our shopping ended anyway.

Agreed he didn't know ds has sen, and tbh its probably not even relevant in that scenario but dhs insistence that we magically move, knowing what would happen was just horrible. Tbh i think he was equally as rude for grumbling about how people should move down when he could see there was no space. Just wait quietly and put your shopping on when you can. It's not a big deal

Couldn’t one of you just go shopping alone, surely it would be less stressful for you all ?

Why does the whole world have to revolve around other people?

. it's routine and practice. She's not taking them all shopping for giggles

I mean leave OH at home!

The situation you were in wasn't affected by your child's special needs, but I can see why you mentioned it because you feel the need for your husband to support you.
If someone is paying for their shopping at the card machine you can't crowd them, you have to wait for them to finish. There are lots of families waiting by the conveyor belts in shops, you're no different in that respect.

You were not rude. The old bloke should wait patiently. Its what the British were once famous for!

I was wondering the same, is a reason you all have to go shopping?

I think you were incredibly rude to the man in the shop. You expect special understanding because of your DS but you haven't considered that perhaps the man behind had his own challenges he too was facing. You could have politely just said that it's not possible to move forward yet.

Why are you going shopping as a family thats so odd. You're both clearly available so either you or DH should go next time and the other stays home with the kids.

This! He should be on your side or what’s the point of him.

But the kids don't need that routine, the other parent can just go shopping or shop online and get it delivered 🤷‍♀️

But your DH does know your DS and you and your DS both moved a few seconds/minutes later so it sounds like your temper tantrum was unnecessary.

How is a ND child supposed to get used to the supermarket if they are never taken. It's far easier to cope with a meltdown with a 3 year old (for example) and help teach them how to cope with supermarkets (depending on their level of ND) as the OP has clearly been doing than it is to suddenly take a 14 year old along and cope with a melt down then.

Did your husband forget how it would affect your son? It seems he's unaware, because it then would have taken much longer for the old man.

How would your dh have handled the melt down?

I could totally see the set up and your perspective from the way you described it. If DH is easily embarrassed in public then he needs to get over that.

In future, would he feel able to say to someone behind him “Bear with us, my son needs a little more time to get things done, but we’ll load up and whizz through as quickly as we can”?

Ah right! Yes. Or even better - send DH with the kids and have a nice bath.

Presumably to get them used to waiting and shops! If they never go to a shop they won't practice going to a shop.

People should be open and understanding and not make assumptions. Everyone should have some basic knowledge of SEN and a better attitude

Could easily have been avoided if either you’d shopped on your own while DH stayed home with your son, or you’d stayed home with DS and DH went shopping. Can never understand why whole families need to clutter up supermarkets.

The man wasn't unreasonable to ask you to move. All he saw was a whole family in his way.
Your husband was wrong to have shouted at you. He could have explained to the man why you couldn't move.
You were wrong to take out your anger at your husband on the man, which was rude and embarrassing.
Your husband is wrong to use the incident as an excuse not to go up the loft. We all hate it.

This isn't the covid days of 1 person only going shopping. Kids need to experience shops.

YABU

I guess if the older gent had a heavy basket he needed to put down, he wasn't being unreasonable asking you to move - how would he know about your child's need for routine. As for your DH if this is one off then I'd let it slide, but if it's indicative of him thinking you pander too much to your child's special needs then you need to have a conversation to make sure you are on the same page. Can you take your child shopping when it is quieter than a weekend afternoon, then you would be less likely to encounter other people who may not understand your situation?