Cracked in shop

[Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal]

So went shopping this afternoon with 2 dc under 5 and dh.

Ds3 has special needs and is very, very dependant on certain routines. Just little things like loading shopping on conveyor belt, waiting our turn (which we have to practice as part of his speech development) etc.

So weve unloaded our shopping and waiting for the lady in front to finish packing and pay. Old man behind us starts huffing and puffing because theres space on the conveyor belt he cant access because we are in a line of ds, me, trolley, dh down the side. No room to the side.

Old man says move down. This is my aibu. Dh then shouts down to me, can you move down. I said no not at the minute, because the lady infront was at the card machine blocking our path.

dh gets ruder and says you just need to move, We're blocking the conveyor belt. If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down.

We then get to the end of the checkout to pack and dh then said the old man was grumbling we needed to move down and I should have listened.

Not gonna lie, I snapped and retorted that the sanctimonious old bloke should learn some patience and he wasn't going to get his shopping down any quicker having to wait an extra minute to load the half belt that was free.

Dh looked shocked and said I'd lost the plot and needed to learn manners. He kept on about how I'm better than that and I'd embarrassed him.

I think the whole situation could've been avoided if dh at turned round and just said, sorry can't move yet.

I realise this may sound incredibly petty but honestly the fact dh was willing to put me and ds through a meltdown to accommodate someone who was being rude and actually wouldn't have had a quicker experience anyway just annoys me. It's escalated into us not speaking to each other and him refusing the put the christmas decorations in the loft because of my behaviour.

I'm just sad.

From the man's point of view, now I'm getting older and slower, I can see how he would want to have time to get his things on the conveyor belt! Your DH should have explained to the man.

You and your DH were at fault as you were inconsiderate of other customers.Tthe old man did nothing wrong. He coild have health issues gor all you know.,

YABU

Yanbu
He should have had your back rather than pandering to a chuntering stranger.

I just read that a couple of grumpy men could not understand why they couldn't get their own way and had zero empathy for the mere women who were in their way (for whatever reason, they don't care if it was genuine need).

If it was a group of 4 lads in the old man's way I suspect he would have wound his neck in.

Ask your DH to do the family shopping in future, as you apparently embarass him so much.

I’m puzzled as to why your Dh doesn’t understand Ds3’s needs.

Clear communication is needed here, most people aren't looking for trouble. This situation is exactly why I stopped using manned checkouts and people not being clear when speaking about what they wanted but emotional 'looks' or tutting when not mind reading their personal situation.

If I queued up on the manned tills (would never unless threatened to be honest!) and someone turned around to me and said 'I can't move up just yet' or 'I need some space and time please' then I would wait patiently until they were done and stay back to give them extra space.

I know it has been brought up already and still don't get it. Why are you shopping as family and not separate?

OP you're not being unreasonable. By acting as he did your husband was putting you in the position of the person who has to worry about and take steps to avoid meltdowns. It should be on him too, he needs to be on your side. If you're just at the start of your SEN journey maybe this will come with time, but good to discuss with him when you're feeling calmer. You sound really in tube with your DC, you're doing great.

Absolutely this.

I can understand how upsetting and sad it made you feel that he would prefer your child be upset than man up and say I'm afraid you'll have to wait.

Wishing you well.

I think the old man was rude and impatient and your husband needs to wake up to the fact he has a son with SEN. That means he has to advocate for him and help make these situations less stressful by not having a go at his wife when she is trying to manage the situation.
My husband struggled to make allowances for our son when he was younger, but now our son has a diagnosis and is age 10, my husband is as much his advocate as I am, so there is still hope for you! The penny really dropped for my husband the day we got the diagnosis (when our son was 8) and it was as though suddenly he felt he had the right to accept the different behaviour and didn’t have to act like a strict parent expecting neurotypical behaviour from our son.
When this all dies down and you can have a calm discussion it might be worth looking into courses for parents with children with SEN - I’m booked into one with Banardos for parents of children with ASD/ADHD and they help parents learn how to support children with these diagnoses. It might help your husband to understand your son and his behaviours a bit better and help him be more supportive of you as you try to support your son.
I’d have done exactly the same as you in your shoes - hope you start talking again soon and are able to start working together to support your son 💐

How are people supposed to know if your child has special needs, and if he has the world doesnt revolve around him, he has to learn to live in it

It doesn't revolve around the old man either. He wasn't to know that the child had special needs, he instead assumed tHings and huffed and puffed, which was ride. As OP pointed out, he wouldn't have got served any faster.

Op, your husband sounds an utter dick.

Old man was the rude person here. I can totally visualise the scenario you are talking about OP. I had a similar scenario at Christmas. In my case I was the old man and was the third transaction. The people in front of me had all their shopping loaded but then the person paying in front of them could not find vouchers that they wanted to pay with so i had to stop loading as everything stopped until the person at the front found the vouchers and got sorted.

Moving down isn't going to start a meltdown... You handled that badly.

I'm sorry but I am on the husbands side. You shouting at the man behind is far more likely to start a meltdown than taking a step forward and getting out of the way

Who knows what the old man's needs are and are they more important than your sons? My hubby looks normal but is disabled and would probably want his shopping on the belt ASAP before collapsing - it often happens!
The key here is communication between you both as these situations will come up more and more. You've got a hard enough job - be kind to each other.
Keep in mind though that your sons needs although important to you are not necessarily more important than other people's.

But you moving down doesn't sound anything to do with your ds but rather the fact there was no room?

It sounds to me yours and DH argument does however have everything to do with ds. To do with how you are both accepting and adapting to having a child with special needs.

Next time if you feel you can't move and DH is demanding you do something (especially if you think it's something ds will meltdown to) just calmly say "I don't think I can DH but here's DS for you to try".

I think both your dh handled the situation very badly actually. Sounds like the “old man” was just being grumpy as old people can do - but there was no need for your dh to stress you because of it. He could have easily turned to the “old man” and kindly explained there was nowhere for you as a family to move to but that the queue was moving so he would have his shopping done soon i.e. stood his/your ground assertively but defused the situation.

I can see why you reacted as you did, although it was your dh’s fault as he knows your dc’s needs, the “old man” doesn’t. Maybe you should tell him in future that you expect him to step up and handle these kinds of situations better - as I agree, you may have more of them given your dc’s needs.

What has the man's age got to do with anything?

Moving down isn't going to start a meltdown... You handled that badly.

How the hell do you know? What a strange post.

“Huffing and puffing”

Maybe the old man was short of breath and finding his shopping trip strenuous?

Your absolutely right your husband should have just said we can't move down at the moment sorry.

Then totally ignored any grumblings or been more firm and said there is not where for them to go just now you will just need to wait until the path is clear.

I'd have also snapped at him, I'm actually really annoyed for u. He shld have ur back on this and especially when he knows how ur child would react. He's been a total dick about it!

I think you were both in the wrong.

I personally would have turned around to DH the first time he said it and reminded him about DS needing to be in the middle.

My pet peeve is when I’m at the card machine and I’ve got someone breathing down my neck pushing me along.
I liked it during covid when you stood right back and let the person in front of you pay before moving forward.
So even without DS I think you did the right thing.

The old man might have needed to unload his shopping asap because of his own health problems.

Older people tend to need more time. I certainly can't keep up with the checkout assistant if I haven't had plenty of time to put the stuff on the conveyor.

Then equally the OP shouldn't have made assumptions. The old man may have been ND himself, with his own routine.
The OPs family were the ones behaving outside of 'normal checkout etiquette' so the onus is on them to explain why. Specifically, on her husband in this case. People are generally helpful and understanding of additional needs, but they're not mind readers.