Cracked in shop

[Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal]

So went shopping this afternoon with 2 dc under 5 and dh.

Ds3 has special needs and is very, very dependant on certain routines. Just little things like loading shopping on conveyor belt, waiting our turn (which we have to practice as part of his speech development) etc.

So weve unloaded our shopping and waiting for the lady in front to finish packing and pay. Old man behind us starts huffing and puffing because theres space on the conveyor belt he cant access because we are in a line of ds, me, trolley, dh down the side. No room to the side.

Old man says move down. This is my aibu. Dh then shouts down to me, can you move down. I said no not at the minute, because the lady infront was at the card machine blocking our path.

dh gets ruder and says you just need to move, We're blocking the conveyor belt. If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down.

We then get to the end of the checkout to pack and dh then said the old man was grumbling we needed to move down and I should have listened.

Not gonna lie, I snapped and retorted that the sanctimonious old bloke should learn some patience and he wasn't going to get his shopping down any quicker having to wait an extra minute to load the half belt that was free.

Dh looked shocked and said I'd lost the plot and needed to learn manners. He kept on about how I'm better than that and I'd embarrassed him.

I think the whole situation could've been avoided if dh at turned round and just said, sorry can't move yet.

I realise this may sound incredibly petty but honestly the fact dh was willing to put me and ds through a meltdown to accommodate someone who was being rude and actually wouldn't have had a quicker experience anyway just annoys me. It's escalated into us not speaking to each other and him refusing the put the christmas decorations in the loft because of my behaviour.

I'm just sad.

For all the posts being unkind saying how was he supposed to know your ds has needs or world doesn’t revolve around him that’s not the point. The point is that in order to show good manners for this man the woman in front got none. Nothing worse than paying for ur shopping and the next set of folk are up your arse.
Yes the ds has needs and the DH should be supportive instead of being rude in the first place. Waiting whether an extra 2 or 10 mins isn’t going to kill some huffy old fart at the back.

Really? Do you have a crystal ball or something?

Exactly this!

If the husband had simply said, “sorry, they can’t move down at the moment, we’ll be out of your way soon.” to the older man then everything would have been fine. Instead the husband was clearly embarrassed and wanted to appease the older man rather than just say no. He needs to learn to put his family first in a polite non-confrontational way. OP, you were not unreasonable as regardless of your son’s SEN, there was no room to
move.

There is a lot of talk about the "old man" and how he should be making allowances for OP's DS - but equally the "old man" could have had some issues of his own. I don't live in the UK, but I have literally never encountered this sort of thing in a supermarket, or any shop for that matter. Why on earth did the whole family have to go shopping? - or if the OP has to take her DS to practise, then a busy supermarket is hardly the place to start.

Dude ain’t loyal. Spineless.

If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down

Does your DH understand that? If not, it's time he got himself informed.

Instead of shouting at you, a polite apology to the man and a couple of words about lack of space should have worked.

Except about the old man of course. Maybe HE has SEN

We are all human and I have snapped at neighbours before when I never usually say boo to a goose …
don’t be hard on yourself … to be honest that old man was very rude huffing and puffing .. we all do things sometimes that are out of character and when you have children in the mix and if anybody is honest, shopping is more stressful with the children … especially when hormonal etc … we all are human just trying to get along. Don’t think any more of it .. just Count to 10 sometimes this can help I found …

Since Covid I find people quick to huff and puff.
with my business I used to queue loads at post office and you would not believe the nasty pieces of work there … even two women fighting once ( I wasn’t there so I missed the Cabaret but counter lady told me )
for your own sake .. don’t try dragging hubby into it .. this can sometimes cause fisty cuffs for them so I think really he was right to defuse it and and calm it down … protecting family doesn’t have to end in arguments or punchups … I count to 10 as much as I can .., ( I was driving once and did that and I thank goodness I did … the person could easily have gotten nasty with me .. kept beeping even though not my fault too many cars when trying to pull out )

take care and life is too short x

YANBU on balance but don't think anyone comes out of it completely smelling of roses.

YABU

Yes children should be taken shopping to broaden their experiences but I do not think that a supermarket is the right place if your child cannot take a slight change to routine without having a 10-15 minute meltdown. Try taking then to clothes shops and quiet times and gradually introduce changes to their accepted norm.

I am not old but when I have been to certain supermarkets I find it stressful as a customer when I cannot get much loaded on to the belt before they start scanning. Many cashiers seem to keep sending products down at the other end without stopping even when there is clearly no space left.

I also find it hard to believe that you had nowhere to move in order to allow the old man to commence his loading.

Also why on earth did you all need to visit a supermarket on a busy day?

Next time send DH and the DCs to do the shopping while you stay at home.

Make him do it by himself with ds next time

He has special needs! Maybe he will never improve/be different. OP needs to shop and can’t leave the kids at home. Maybe her and her dh work hence why they need to go at a weekend.

OP, yanbu, I can’t stand people up my arse in queues.

Hey OP, I have autistic DC, one with quite high needs. Sounds as if you’re really tuned into what your DS needs and the routines which will enable him to build resilience through experience.

Im not RTFT as I saw some comments from PP who clearly don’t have a clue about SEN and that was enough for me.

Your DS May always seem different. Never make excuses for him, or feel as if you have to apologise how he is. A calm brief explanation can sometimes be helpful but it depends on the circumstances. Learn not to give a fuck about random strangers thinking bad of you. That way will just lead to stress and anxiety. As long as you’re not being deliberately rude or obstructive or expecting others to suffer huge inconvenience to accommodate your DS without any explanation, just crack on and ignore any huffs.

I can remember DS screaming and crawling under checkouts to get away from people/noise etc, or crawling into displays to hide. It was mortifying at the time but you when you remember this is a child in distress and you’re just protecting them, then huffy sighs from random strangers mean less.

People should know better than to judge but some will even if you explain re the SEN. Just look at this thread. Tune them out. They don’t have a clue and they can enjoy their judgy pants - don’t pay them any attention. You’re doing a wonderful job by the sounds of things.

Oh, and your DH can get in the bin too. He should have said there was no room to move down.

He has special needs

Evidently

Maybe he will never improve/be different

Accepted

OP needs to shop and can’t leave the kids at home

Can she not write a list of products to purchase? We could even call it a shopping list.

Maybe her and her dh work hence why they need to go at a weekend

They needed to be there as a family because?

I voted YANBU.

I think you were probably rude to the old man but if he was huffing and puffing instead of just asking politely if your family could move down then he was also being rather passive aggressive.

Your DH cared more about appearances than your DC with SN. That appears to he the real problem. Are you the default parent who spends most time with DC doing things like shopping and therefore understands their needs more? Are you perhaps a bit resentful of this or concerned that your DH doesn't get it? Those concerns would be valid and it's not unreasonable of you to feel like that.

I think the whole incident could have been avoided with better communication though. Could it have gone something like this:

Old man: is there any chance you could move down a bit please so that I can put my shopping on the belt?
DH: (assuming he doesn't get that DC would have a meltdown) could you get the kids to move down a bit, love?
You: not really - I'm a bit worried that DC will have a meltdown if we do. Please could you explain to the gentleman behind you?
DH (to old man): sorry mate, DC has SN which means that x will happen if we ask him to move. I know it's a bit inconvenient for you but we'll be gone soon enough and it will take even longer, with lots of screaming, if he has a meltdown.
** If DH wouldn't have been willing or able to do this, then you have a problem.

Maybe the man has special needs and likes his routine at the check out. You just never know!

A lot of shops have quite narrow checkout lanes nowadays, which means you have to stand in a line (even as a family) and it is very hard to get past if someone is still paying.

This does mean you can have empty conveyor belt that can't be loaded. That's just how it is.

YANBU OP. If you cannot move forward, you cannot. Regardless of SEN. Men huffing and puffing and expecting you to do the impossible because it would be helpful to them just have to wait.

Ah right, got it.

Kerp the autistic kids st home because they might annoy other shoppers. That seems reasonable.

where was you supposed to move to anyway the woman in front was paying-is your dh always dismissive of you and your sen child

I don't understand how your husband had to shout down to you if you were all stood in a line?

Nobody really comes off well in this scenario, the older man was impatient, your husband was inconsiderate of your sons needs and you were rude to mouth off about the older man. Could have been handled better by all involved. It's not worth a falling out though, maybe just sit down with your husband and address it and ask him to support DSs routine more while agreeing you could point out your reasoning in a better way in future.

Apparently. Ageism the last acceptable taboo . So much disrespect on this thread .

Supermarkets are stressful places with dc. I think you'd do better to get online shopping on the go or go alone.
I wouldn't worry about who is rude who is not. In the end maybe your dh is not coping with your ds sen either, I wouldn't be angry if work together to have a plan as a team to go forward in case such incidents arise again. Which undoubtedly they will.

I’m with you OP . Both the old man and DH needed to chill and be patient.
the old guy was rude and pushy and DH should have asked him politely to wait rather than hastle you.