Cracked in shop

[Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal]

So went shopping this afternoon with 2 dc under 5 and dh.

Ds3 has special needs and is very, very dependant on certain routines. Just little things like loading shopping on conveyor belt, waiting our turn (which we have to practice as part of his speech development) etc.

So weve unloaded our shopping and waiting for the lady in front to finish packing and pay. Old man behind us starts huffing and puffing because theres space on the conveyor belt he cant access because we are in a line of ds, me, trolley, dh down the side. No room to the side.

Old man says move down. This is my aibu. Dh then shouts down to me, can you move down. I said no not at the minute, because the lady infront was at the card machine blocking our path.

dh gets ruder and says you just need to move, We're blocking the conveyor belt. If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down.

We then get to the end of the checkout to pack and dh then said the old man was grumbling we needed to move down and I should have listened.

Not gonna lie, I snapped and retorted that the sanctimonious old bloke should learn some patience and he wasn't going to get his shopping down any quicker having to wait an extra minute to load the half belt that was free.

Dh looked shocked and said I'd lost the plot and needed to learn manners. He kept on about how I'm better than that and I'd embarrassed him.

I think the whole situation could've been avoided if dh at turned round and just said, sorry can't move yet.

I realise this may sound incredibly petty but honestly the fact dh was willing to put me and ds through a meltdown to accommodate someone who was being rude and actually wouldn't have had a quicker experience anyway just annoys me. It's escalated into us not speaking to each other and him refusing the put the christmas decorations in the loft because of my behaviour.

I'm just sad.

Your husband sounds like a people pleaser. Prioritising strangers’ opinions.

There is nothing wrong in telling someone that you are unable to move and to hold on a second.

I have autistic children so have developed a pretty thick skin over the years. I make no apologies for my children appearing a bit peculiar in public.

It sounds like maybe your husband hasn’t reached that level of acceptance? Which is why he was prioritising the needs of the huffy man over the needs of your child.

Because let’s face it, it made no material difference to the man, being prevented from accepting the conveyor belt for a bit 🤷‍♀️

*Accessing not accepting!

Why do you need to take your whole family shopping when it’s obviously something your child funds very stressful in the first place?

one adult can shop and there are loads of internet delivery or click and collect options that would be better for him from the sound of it.

And why does your husband being a bit if a fanny give you the right to shout at other people?

@Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal Your unhelpful and that's me being polite husband needs to take your DC to the supermarket on his own.

Expect tears from the DC when they return - and yes, it will be distressing for them - but there is no WAY your "D" H will understand until he does this alone.

So sorry you've had to put up with him being a know-it-all-knob. He just doesn't.

It's massively stressful food shopping with DC. the situation would have veen avoided if one of you went shopping and the other stayed at home with the dc

I'm sorry, but your husband should have had your back, and you were actually a damn sight more restrained than I would have been in your shoes.

Some absolute belters on this thread.

I think if dh does a few solo trips with dc then he would learn very rapidly how to manage strangers and your dc needs.
Or online shop to avoid the stresses.

Really? Is that the only takeaway you have from this thread?

My autistic 7yo hates shopping. In fact, apart from going to school, he would be perfectly happy being a hermit and never leaving the house to do anything. I had a really hard time convincing him to leave the house to run a few errands this weekend. In fact we had to give up yesterday and just stay inside all day.

I could have gone out by myself, with my other child, but sometimes you just need another adult to share the mental load of shopping. Well, I do, anyway. I also just needed to force him to go outside, for a bit of fresh air and a change of scene.

I do get my groceries delivered most of the time, but sometimes I don’t have my shit together and we have to go in person.

Can someone please explain to me why it's ok to be so horrible about the man's age?

It is irrelevant.

I love how some posters are quick to rush to tell the OP she could avoid people including her DH being rude to her in public if she just left her son with autism at home

Because obviously that's the answer to fix the issues with the DHs behaviour, segregate her son from society if its not convenient for others around her. 🙄

The man had a trolley like us and didn't appear to be struggling - not saying he wasn't obviously - but as much as anyone can tell from a glance. I think he was just having a bad day like me. It was just the straw that broke the camels back today for me, I have so much to do around the house and for work and it's only me that does it. Just feels like pissing in the wind so when someone starting whinging about something as inconsequential as moving forward it just tipped me over.

I am fiercely protective of ds, he's very tall for his age so I think people expect more of him and i just dont have time for it. He had already shrieked a few times as he wanted to load items on to the conveyor belt and dh had said no, for no particular reason. So I'd managed to make him smile by sillyishly putting the toilet roll on and he reset himself.

We were only in there together as we'd been out and had to get ds some new school pants for this week so he had to be there so I could make a best guess on sizes.

Thank you to everyone for your comments and support, it wasn't my proudest moment by any stretch.

Your DH and the old man are being uptight pricks.

There is definitely a weird UK thing about rushing through a supermarket checkout that I’ve never seen where I live.

No-one would give a shit here and everyone takes their time and chit chats along the way. I’ve also never seen anyone re-pack their shopping on the shelves next to the windows in Aldi or Lidl. Only watched folk doing that in England. Really weird! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you serious? When did you have the empathy bypass. Are we not supposed to support each other in mumsnet. If you can't do that it is just kinder to say nothing at all.

My OH is a people pleaser in this sort of way so I sympathise with you. I can’t relate to having a SEN child so I don’t really feel able to comment on that part but the fact he’s acting like a dick after the event is not on and I wouldn’t tolerate it… if he can’t see your point of view and at least give it some consideration going forward you’re likely going to have big problems. Maybe wait til tomorrow so he’s had a bit of time to think about it and have a chat. Best of luck!

Whether the man knows about your DS or not, he should know that he has to wait.

He should have gathered that once the woman in front moved, you could then move. It’s not difficult to understand.

@Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal please don't give yourself a hard time. The other man was fucking rude and probably not used to getting it back. Maybe do him good for him to remember his manners next time.

YANBU OP, not in your behaviour in this situation or in taking your son out shopping or whatever other nonsense people are finding to try and criticize you for. Your husband's a shithead btw. I hope things get better for you x

My 3 year old had a meltdown yesterday when my husband tried to take him to the car while I loaded and paid for the shopping. I went and got him and kept him with me - I know exactly the reaction you were anticipating. It took me 20 seconds to grab him and put him in the trolley, so everyone behind me had to wait an extra 20 seconds and I couldn't care less to be honest.
The world might not revolve around my child, but MY world does. I absolutely do not give a shit what a stranger in a supermarket thinks of me, while I do something for my child.
Your husband should have backed you up - he embarrassed you by taking the side of a stranger and being rude to you, instead of opening his eyes to see you couldn't move up close to the woman paying. YANBU

When I'm out shopping with a trolley you don't know that I'm autistic

You ask possibly wouldn't know I was physically disabled if I'd been having a good day and not got my crutches.

You'd know I was old though.

@Bedofroses2 spot on!

Can we all stop saying ‘needs’ so much 🤦🏼‍♀️ its every other sentence on here and getting really tiresome

YANBU on a balance but one of those situations where neither is entirely wrong.

I grew up with this too & it’s really bloody unhelpful. Good for you OP!

I'd never voice it, but I do wonder why whole families go grocery shopping together, especially at busy times like weekends. I get it if it's one adult with dc (could be a long patent or no room in the schedule for either payment shipping without DC), and that a small percentage will have complicated combinations of disabilities that require this, but I see stressed families with two parents bickering, and scolding multiple bored children nearly every time I go to Tesco. We either order click and collect or one of us goes. In the winter we have a trade off where I go to Tesco while DH takes DS to softplay (that way we both get to suffer a bit 😁)

could be a long patent or no room in the schedule for either payment shipping without DC
Should actually read
could be a lone parent or no room in the schedule for either parent shopping without DC