Cracked in shop

[Goinglocodowninsainsburyslocal]

So went shopping this afternoon with 2 dc under 5 and dh.

Ds3 has special needs and is very, very dependant on certain routines. Just little things like loading shopping on conveyor belt, waiting our turn (which we have to practice as part of his speech development) etc.

So weve unloaded our shopping and waiting for the lady in front to finish packing and pay. Old man behind us starts huffing and puffing because theres space on the conveyor belt he cant access because we are in a line of ds, me, trolley, dh down the side. No room to the side.

Old man says move down. This is my aibu. Dh then shouts down to me, can you move down. I said no not at the minute, because the lady infront was at the card machine blocking our path.

dh gets ruder and says you just need to move, We're blocking the conveyor belt. If I had moved ds from where he was standing away from the checkout he'd have had a meltdown. Literal screams and it would've taken 10, 15 mins to calm down.

We then get to the end of the checkout to pack and dh then said the old man was grumbling we needed to move down and I should have listened.

Not gonna lie, I snapped and retorted that the sanctimonious old bloke should learn some patience and he wasn't going to get his shopping down any quicker having to wait an extra minute to load the half belt that was free.

Dh looked shocked and said I'd lost the plot and needed to learn manners. He kept on about how I'm better than that and I'd embarrassed him.

I think the whole situation could've been avoided if dh at turned round and just said, sorry can't move yet.

I realise this may sound incredibly petty but honestly the fact dh was willing to put me and ds through a meltdown to accommodate someone who was being rude and actually wouldn't have had a quicker experience anyway just annoys me. It's escalated into us not speaking to each other and him refusing the put the christmas decorations in the loft because of my behaviour.

I'm just sad.

@vera16 Exactly! Just wait

True. Which makes his behaviour even worse.

The person being impatient was being a dick.

Your husband was being a bigger dick. He should have told the moaning shite to do one.

If the person can't handle a basket in a queue in a supermarket, which is an entirely imaginable scenario, they should be using a trolley.

In reality there was very likely nothing wrong with the bloke but some people just like to get as far up a queue as quickly as possible even if the checkout time is going to be exactly the same because they are extremely impatient, self important arseholes. They see a space and they have to fill it ASAP. Same mentality as pushy bad drivers

So go alone then.

@Americano75 There is no mental load to shopping.
If it's that hard then she should get a home delivery

I'm pretty sure that's subjective but OK.

@Americano75 it's really not.

I love how you posted this with absolutely no irony at all. Genuinely can't believe you don't see the hypocrasy. People should accept you 'huffing and puffing' and it's judgy to describe your grumpy behaviour in negative terms because you have a physical issue that a stranger wouldn't know about. Yes if you saw a family of young kids, because you don't realise one of them has SN it's fine to describe them as 'fannying about'. Nice.

It really it. You can only speak for yourself, not anyone else.

Is it a routine that really needs learning, especially when you know the supermarket will be busy?
Yes, you had all been out together but in this instance someone could have gone in by themselves. Clearly by then your child had already been overloaded with routine?

There's no mental load for you to become better educated and less obnoxious or improve your reading comprehension. Reread the OP.

Bloody hell. Why are people lecturing the OP in how she deals with her SN child. She knows better than you whether he was already overloaded, what he needs to practise and when. The fact is her DH is an adult who does NOT have SN so should be able to behave better.

@AnUnlikelyPairing woman drags family around busy supermarket on a weekend and complains she can't do it on her own because having her husband there helps.
But the trip was stressful because of her husband.
Leave everyone at home and go shopping.
That will take the stress out of it.

Why couldn't one parent have taken the child outside, and the other load and pay for the shopping. Whole families taking up space are really annoying. But the older man was rude, but so were you.

This, I hate rooks huffing and puffing behind, schedule your shopping at a different time if 2 minutes is too much waiting time. Also some of us can’t pack quickly due to physical disabilities etc although it only usually takes me a minute or two more.

Fast forward a few years and you might just be someone calling OP's adult ds3 an 'arsehole' or even worse.
One might hope that someone who has personal experience of dealing with a disability (especially a hidden one) is usually a lot less judgemental and careful not to make assumptions of others because they know the challenges faced.
I know I am.
Children with disabilities do grow up and become old people with disabilities.
Kindness and understanding work both ways and name calling and discriminatory comments do nothing to change anything.

Rooks. I meant people but this site is so laggy sorry.

Why would you drag two kids around supermarket. Wouldn't have been more sensible for one person to go shopping?

Exactly @Findingmypurposeinlife

@Findingmypurposeinlife Eh?

There are people like this almost every time I go shopping with my Nd daughter (yes, I have to bring her with me as I’m a single mum, for those who complain about those things too)
Generally people seem to be becoming more and more impatient

It sounds like you are thinking really hard about how to anticipate your ds's needs, support his learning about skills he will need in day to day life, and protect him from the reality of how unhelpful and rude people can be at times (evidenced by some humdingers of posts on here - honestly, people can be so unpleasant at times). You sound like a really good mum to a nd child, and what you're doing is about supporting him to be able to manage things like waiting in the supermarket queue in the future, feel able to access his community. And it is his, as much as it's everyone else's too.

It sounds like what you really need from DH is someone who sees this, and doesn't need it to be explained every time. And this is at the heart of the issue...

In reality it wouldn't have made any difference whether you were a whole family of neurotypical people standing in a line - you had no power to make the woman in front poof into thin air. And what you needed was your DH to let the man behind know (who might have also been neurodivergent, we will never know) that there was no space to move up and when you could move up, you would.

This boils down to needing your DH to be on the same page as you, and not put strangers needs (which cannot be met unless one of you magics up some kind of vaporising power for the woman in front) first.

So you are the expert on this little boy, whom you have never met? You actually think that you know his behaviour better than his dm? Might as well do away with those trying to advise on how to deal with children with sen, Maddy68 knows (even without even knowing the child) how a child will react in situations like this, so no need for any other input!!

What courses have you taken and what qualifications have you got that makes you able to know how a sen child will react in a situation, without even seeing them or knowing what their issues are??

@Jumbojade I would say the fact the father wasn't concerned about meltdown gives perspective

I didn't mention mental load and needing dh there. Not sure where that's come from.

He isn't concerned about meltdowns because when they happen he just says ds needs to learn how to behave, and i pick up the pieces. He definitely doesn't get what ds's needs are, and the things that trigger his anxiety. I spend a lot of time explaining in very simple terms what we will be doing to ds to try and prepare him for changes. I am actively trying to get him used to routines in shops, e.g. queuing, paying, saying thank you. He is making progress which is lovely to see.

Exactly. I made the same point upthread.

Children with additional needs/hidden disabilities will become adults, navigating possibly tricky situations for themselves, with no one to explain their behaviour, and will need the same kindness and understanding that the OP is seeking here.

The OP didn't know the man's situation. The man didn't know the DC's situation. Name calling is not okay for children or 'old men.'

There is a healthy double standard throughout this thread.