Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

233 replies

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 11:58

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed.

Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though.

My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work.

Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

OP posts:
Coffeellama · 08/01/2023 20:30

@whatajoy have you decide what you are going to do/say?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 08/01/2023 22:16

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 20:20

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I would do that but her Dad only wants to have her one week out of the six.

Which just happens to be the one you’re going away? And he gets to pick which week at whatever point suits him.

F that for a game of soldiers!

ReiRay · 08/01/2023 23:19

The thing is, why does your holiday trump his?

Doyoumind · 08/01/2023 23:22

ReiRay · 08/01/2023 23:19

The thing is, why does your holiday trump his?

Because hers has to happen that week and his doesn't. If he had checked before booking like she asked there wouldn't be an issue.

ReiRay · 08/01/2023 23:27

Doyoumind · 08/01/2023 23:22

Because hers has to happen that week and his doesn't. If he had checked before booking like she asked there wouldn't be an issue.

Show quote history

Point I'm making is she didn't check with him with her dates? Goes both ways. The minute you knew those dates were reserved you'd speak up, especially when he does this every year. I'd be letting the daughter chose at this point. Wrong doing on both sides.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 02:34

Dontknownow86 · 08/01/2023 18:31

This is absolutely his own fault and he can rearrange his holiday. It's not your problem.

If dd can't go on both again it's his problem. He'll have to apologise to her and sort something out. He knew you were planning this.

and OP knows he has a family holiday every year. Neither of them confirmed dates and now his is booked.

He has other children and a wife to cater to. He can't necessarily just change the date.

Quartz2208 · 09/01/2023 08:01

The OP has just found out the dates which is why she hasnt said anything. It is Janaury so still plently of time to do so.

RandomMess · 09/01/2023 09:31

@girlmom21 on this occasion the op specifically told him that they had holiday plans based on non-negotiable dates and she would let him know them in January and to not book anything without checking with her because of this.

He completely ignored a very reasonable request after having "dibs" for previous years so on balance it's tough luck on him.

rookiemere · 09/01/2023 09:42

@RandomMess but it's not tough luck on him, it's tough luck on DD stuck in the middle.

EndlessRain1 · 09/01/2023 09:44

I think you should have said this in your OP:

"I've let him do this every single year but told him specifically to wait for this holiday before booking because my brother didn't get his years shifts until January."

so your DH knew you were trying to book something and that it would be during the summer and dependent on your brother.

At 14 I would let your DD choose though.

RandomMess · 09/01/2023 09:50

Yes it's really shit on the DD Sad her Dad doesn't seem to give much of a shit barely ever wants to see her.

Blossomtoes · 09/01/2023 09:57

RandomMess · 09/01/2023 09:50

Yes it's really shit on the DD Sad her Dad doesn't seem to give much of a shit barely ever wants to see her.

Every other weekend is a pretty standard access arrangement, I’m not sure how it translates to barely ever seeing her.

RandomMess · 09/01/2023 10:00

What about the rest of the annual leave he has? What about a midweek overnight ever week which actually is standard! Also often EOW is Friday-Monday 3 nights not 2.

Why excuse shit parenting as "standard".

rookiemere · 09/01/2023 10:20

I don't disagree that the DF could do better.

However we need to think about what the desired outcome is here. I know my desired outcome would be DD not having to choose between holidays.

The DF may be able to change his dates. However rolling in with a combative approach is unlikely to make him want to do that, whereas "Houston we have a problem " may encourage him to see if it's possible.

I know I'm scraping the barrel here, but at least the DF actually seems to want to include his DD in holidays, even if he hasn't gone about it in the best way.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2023 10:48

RandomMess · 09/01/2023 09:31

@girlmom21 on this occasion the op specifically told him that they had holiday plans based on non-negotiable dates and she would let him know them in January and to not book anything without checking with her because of this.

He completely ignored a very reasonable request after having "dibs" for previous years so on balance it's tough luck on him.

It's not him who's going to miss out though, is it, it's their daughter.

She hasn't actually said she told him she'd let him know in January - but how do we know he or his wife don't have the same problem where they can only do certain dates or they're working around birthdays and other events?

The communication is crap from both parents and the poor DD is stuck in the middle.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 09/01/2023 10:56

Simply pretend you know nothing about his plans and message him just an 'fyi' we have holidays booked now for X date just to let you know so our dates do not clash this year. He will not know you have not already booked and when he comes back and says he is going away that date remind him that you have previously asked him to run dates by you.

lieselotte · 09/01/2023 12:06

whatajoy · 08/01/2023 18:12

@Tryingtokeepgoing I've let him do this every single year but told him specifically to wait for this holiday before booking because my brother didn't get his years shifts until January. The family holiday will still go ahead but DD wouldn't be able to come if she goes with her Dad. It's a hard one.

But why can't your dd go instead of your brother?

lieselotte · 09/01/2023 12:09

Doyoumind · 08/01/2023 23:22

Because hers has to happen that week and his doesn't. If he had checked before booking like she asked there wouldn't be an issue.

Show quote history

It doesn't have to happen that week. The OP's family are prioritising the OP's brother over her dd. They could go a different week and exclude the brother, instead. Or he could see if he could swap shifts with a colleague.

lieselotte · 09/01/2023 12:10

Anyway the OP needs to contact her ex and find out if he has indeed already booked his holiday or whether he has just told their dd the planned dates.

And if it is booked, if it can be changed.

There are plenty of possible solutions if people actually talk to each other.

bringmetheheadofpastaalfredo · 09/01/2023 13:24

DuplicateUserName · 08/01/2023 12:20

And then she'd still have to choose which of the 'booked' holidays she went on Confused

Show quote history

No she wouldn't. OP would tell her that she can't go with her Dad. Thats the point of the post?

Taddyy · 09/01/2023 15:10

bringmetheheadofpastaalfredo · 09/01/2023 13:24

No she wouldn't. OP would tell her that she can't go with her Dad. Thats the point of the post?

Show quote history

You would refuse your DD a choice of which holiday?

You sound controlling

thing47 · 09/01/2023 15:42

General problem: your ex sounds like a bit of a dick and I can certainly see why you are frustrated over his behaviour. If it isn't possible to have a civilised conversation around holidays where he realises that he doesn't get first dibs every year and has to discuss dates with you, then you'll just have to put in place more formal arrangements where you take it in turns. Or you get first choice since he has had it for several years…

Specific problem: you were expecting him to wait until your brother had his shifts? I'm not sure that's entirely reasonable. If it was YOUR shift dates that would be quite different, but I don't think he is under any obligation to take his former BIL's work pattern into account, that's really not his problem any more.

Original poster
whatajoy · 09/01/2023 18:48

@thing47 Considering he's had first dibs for the last X amount of years, I didn't think it'd be unreasonable to ask him to wait until January until the shifts came through. He knows my brothers shifts are difficult and it was a whole family holiday we were going to be booking 😏

OP posts:
rookiemere · 09/01/2023 19:01

@whatajoy have you gone back to him yet to discuss the dates?

mrsm43s · 09/01/2023 19:06

whatajoy · 09/01/2023 18:48

@thing47 Considering he's had first dibs for the last X amount of years, I didn't think it'd be unreasonable to ask him to wait until January until the shifts came through. He knows my brothers shifts are difficult and it was a whole family holiday we were going to be booking 😏

But he hasn't had "first dibs" previously, has he? You had equal "dibs" but he just happened to book his holiday first. He hasn't told you previously that you're not allowed to book a holiday until he's booked his, and the entire summer holiday is reserved for him until his holiday is booked. He booked first, but you had equal opportunity to be the one to book first. He just sounds more organised and quick off the mark than you are.

You cannot expect to reserve the entirely of the school summer holiday right up til this late stage, nor can you expect his family's holiday plans to be dictated by his ex BIL's holiday period!

In the future stick to each of you having half of the holiday which you are free to book in. Then one parent can book in the first 3 weeks of the holiday and one parent can book in the last 3 weeks of the holiday both safe in the knowledge that there won't be any clashes.

Sadly, you've missed the boat this year, so you need to decide whether to go on holiday with your brother and without your DD, or go on holiday at a different time with your DD but without your brother.