To say DD can't go on holiday with her Dad

[whatajoy]

Every August my DD14 Dad takes her away on holiday with his wife and children. He never checks dates with me first, just books the holiday and expects her to be available as ua the school holidays. Although this then dictates when I can take her on holiday, I've always agreed.

Every year I remind him to check dates with me before booking, he agrees, then never does. Never caused a huge problem before though.

My DD has just told me that he has just booked a holiday for them this year. Although I'm annoyed he's done it again, I wasn't going to complain. However I've just found out the dates and it clashes with the holiday I've got planned. I can't choose the week as we're going with family and that is the only date they can get off work.

Although our holiday is not booked yet, it will be soon. AIBU to tell DD's Dad that she can't go this year?

To be fair, every other weekend is pretty standard.

I didn’t say he wasn’t a parent, I said he only parents… he only has the kids 4 nights a month, which OP implied is his choice.

You have absolutely no clue what the DD wants.

Yeah, just tell him what a shame he didn't stick to your agreement and that DD is not available on those dates. Don't get into long explanations or justifications.

@toocold54

I genuinely can't understand how you failed to read the OP. It's so so simple.
OP shared a DD with her ex. Over the summer there are therefore two parents who may want to take a holiday. Before each of them books such a holiday a normal thing to do would be to contact the other parent to check that the dates are suitable. This is what normal coparents do. What a selfish parent does is just book their holiday first wothout any regard to what the other one might plan. This is what OP's ex has done.

Personally, as no matter the rights and wrong of his behaviour I think a pre booked holiday takes precedence over a non booked but ‘planned’ holiday, I’d move the holiday, though regrettably that would mean the other family member (connection not explained by the OP) couldn’t go. I don’t think it’s in the slightest bit reasonable for one close family unit (the OPs ex, new partner and children) to not book a holiday until the OP is clear what some aunt or second cousin twice removed is doing and her holiday can be booked. This should be about theIr daughter first, then the OP and her immediate family and the OPs ex and his immediate family. Any other relations come way down the list IMO.

@Tryingtokeepgoing It's my brother.

I think ask him if there's any chance he can move it as you've only just found out that's the week of the big family holiday that you told him about and it would be awful to make DD choose. Make him see making DD choose is a bit shit. Hopefully he will be accommodating and move his holiday

@whatajoy thank you for making that clear. I still think in order of priority your daughter and the two immediate families (if you have a new partner) are the most important. Uncles, grandparents, cousins would always fall lower down the list of people to accommodate for me. Though of course you might take a different view.

You aren't being unreasonable, make sure you have her passport (if required) before you tell your ex.

He can obviously have DD for any other week of the holidays if he wants to spend time with her - seems like he doesn't actually have for his other 2/3 weeks of annual leave!

@Tryingtokeepgoing I've let him do this every single year but told him specifically to wait for this holiday before booking because my brother didn't get his years shifts until January. The family holiday will still go ahead but DD wouldn't be able to come if she goes with her Dad. It's a hard one.

The ex is clearly being an arse, but we have to remember that the 14 year old DD is the collateral damage in the middle of all of this.

If it were me, I'd do everything I could to try to allow her to go to both holidays including asking him politely ( yes of course he shouldn't have booked without asking) to change his dates , and going back to the family and checking once again if there are any other school holiday dates that can work.

@whatajoy is there absolutely no way your DB can change his week with someone else ?

@rookiemere Unfortunately not, the nature of his job means he can't swap shifts and he's told when his leave is, rather than choosing it.

What are the dates of both holidays?
Is there any chance of her being able to do both?

You ex hasn’t told you yet.
So as soon as you find out the exact dates then text him and tell him you’ve now booked your holiday for X dates.

If he comes back saying that he’s already booked those dates then you can discuss that the plan was to wait until you had booked yours and ask him if there’s any way he can change the dates slightly so DD doesn’t miss out on either.

OP is one of the holidays something that would appeal to DD more than another? Or about the same?

I would message your ex "DD tells me you've booked xyz date. I'm assuming she's mistaken, because as I'm sure you recall, I specifically asked you to warn me this year, as we are planning a family holiday. It makes sense to plan ahead and ensure the dates don't clash. As I said, the dates with my family would be confirmed in January, and it was agreed you would wait until then. It is January 8th and I can confirm the dates of the family holiday are xyz. If you have indeed booked this already, despite me asking you not to, then we have a problem. DD can't be in 2 places at once. How do you propose we resolve this?"

He’s not officially told you yet so you can just officially tell him yours is sorted and confirmed now.
if he kicks up a stink you can remind him you told him not to book without checking this time as there is a big family holiday.

If your ask your ex to propose a solution then he may put it on DD to choose.

I would send an email just saying that DD has said he has booked a holiday but perhaps she's mistaken after the conversation about he needed to check dates with you first. The dates DD will be away with you are xyz

This is absolutely his own fault and he can rearrange his holiday. It's not your problem.

If dd can't go on both again it's his problem. He'll have to apologise to her and sort something out. He knew you were planning this.

The issue is that the DF does not have to apologise to his DD, nor does he have to sort it out with her.

He clearly does as he has ignored a direct request to hold off booking his holiday for a few weeks and decided selfishly that whatever he wants trumps op and her whole family. If he had just waited and asked he could have booked another week no problem.

He's clearly a self centred idiot and I'm surprised at the amount of pathetic people on here that are happy for their ex's to walk all over them.

@Dontknownow86 I absolutely agree - the ex is a self centred idiot who has jumped the gun by booking the holiday without checking with OP - the point I'm trying to make is that OP cannot force him to do the decent thing. The only real leverage she has is to nicely encourage him to change his dates for DDs sake.

Which would DD rather go on? At 14 I think I'd leave the choice up to her.

It can be done in a purely neutral way, it doesn't have to be put in a 'who do you love most' kind of way. Just "Oh dear DD, dad and I have booked holidays that overlap! Which would be more fun for you, XX with him or YY with me?"

If my choices were between, oh say, a week camping in the woods or a week staying at a beach house, I know which I'd choose!

Tell him she can’t go as your hol is already booked.

However, what you need to do for these last few years she’s at home, is split the holidays in half at the beginning of the year (or soon)). First three weeks =Dad, second three = Mum, or vice versa. Then everyone knows where they stand.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I would do that but her Dad only wants to have her one week out of the six.

Text him now

Say dste for your diary: x August. My
Whole family is going away so please ensure you don't book these dates